Apples In Autumn
10-24-05 | 19:44

On Sunday I felt much, much better. I bought these new sheets from the Company Store ages ago and just placed them on the bed this Saturday. They are 600 thread count sateen white sheets. They are so soft they are close to being slippery. Kelly laid in the lap of luxury on Sunday morning. Oh boy, the sheets are so lovely. No nightmares! Maybe it was the sheets. I still need at least a couple nights of good sleep and then I will be back on track and not feel so weak and spastic. When I do not have enough sleep my movements are a bit ahead of my thinking and I tend to knock things over or bump in to things. It is not that I mind looking like a drunk but rather I don't enjoy feeling out of control with my body and movements. Every day I catch myself being conscious of what my body is doing, ahh for instance when I am sitting down I may stop and check in with myself to see how I am sitting, or if my shoulders are tense, things like that. When I am tired I'll slouch all day, bump in to things and have a tense neck.
I need another chair at work, I have an Ermes Aeron chair - the one that was all the rage a couple of years ago - and I always slouch in it. I need a pillow to prop up my back. I think I may be too small for this chair.
A few weeks ago Kelly and decided that every Sunday night - starting at five o'clock - is to be spent in the house cooking a homemade meal and drinking wine and generally just being together. I have this wonderful vegetarian cookbook that goes by the seasons, which mean the food used in the recipes is always fresh. Autumn meals have squash, mushrooms, barley, rice, hearty greens, nuts, lentils, sweet potatoes, and spices like cumin and curry, rosemary and thyme just to name a few things. Last night I made wehani and wild rice stew with cremini mushrooms, butternut squash and kale. Wehani rice is gold and has an aroma of buttered popcorn. So earthy and lovely. I cooked the rice together with a clove of garlic and some raw ginger. Then I saut�ed diced a white onion in olive oil for a couple of minutes, then added thinly sliced carrots and celery, minced sage (just a wee bit), and chopped cremini mushrooms. I cooked that for five minutes, and then added a cup of water. I let that cook for ten minutes, and then put in the chopped butternut squash. Covered the pan - simmered for 10 minutes and then added the kale that I sliced into thin strips and the rice. I cooked that until the kale melted which was about three minutes. I served the stew in soup bowls and drizzled olive oil over the dish and then sprinkled some toasted pumpkin seeds. Some freshly shredded Parmesan and I was done. I also made a salad, romaine lettuce with sun dried tomatoes and lemon Dijon dressing. I was really proud of myself making the stew. It was so delicious. There are leftovers and I shall have them for dinner tonight.
Unfortunately I did not do my Pilates yesterday, but Kelly and I did walk to Whole Foods to buy the wheani rice. Oh boy that place is overwhelming. I can't take it, too many smells and noises and - well they have Virginia Woolf quotes up on the wall! I mean really is that necessary? I know they have everything under the sun, but I much prefer Gourmet Garage and other small grocers.
Kelly and I drank champagne with our meal and then settled in the living room to watch The Office. We watched the entire first season when I was home ill one day last month so we decided to finish the series. Wonderful show. Ricky Gervias is a genius. His new show, Extras, is on HBO and is just as funny as The Office, and not the least bit sad.
I didn't get much done at work today and I am eating too many pretzels.
I am home now and I've just finished my Pilates. Kelly and I are sitting side by side on the sofa each deeply involved in our own powerbooks. We are such geeks.
Oh by the way, if anyone has a powerbook, an Ipod, or a mini perhaps you would like to check out this website: EtchamacIt is custom laser etches for PowerBooks and iPods. A full PowerBook case (top or bottom) runs $200 while iPods are around $40. I kind of want my tattoo etched right below the apple on my powerbook.


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Let Me Explain
10-22-05 | 22:25

Those of you that have this diary on your buddy list may be a tad bit confused, let me explain. I removed everything from this diary, ecstasia for a few reasons. The images of my custom design crashed with that and my gradual loss of interest in updating compounded with he sneaking feeling that people I knew were on to my diary I decided to clean up shop. Then I moved to the cake-n-roses to get a fresh start. But now I realize that I want to stay on ecstasia. The diary that I started with inn 2001 when I was more depressed than I've ever imagined I could be. This diary has been with me through my dorm in college, back home to my parents home, to my first apartment on my own, through a herion addiction, a heartbreak and back again. I don't like the whole cuteness of cake-n-roses. That is not me. Although I like the layout, otherwise I wouldn't have it on bothe diaries. So here is what I am going to do. I've already copied everything from cak to this diary. In a few days I will remove everything from the second diary, profile and all and return once again to this diary, my Echo. Sorry for the confusion, hope you'll stay with me.

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Get Yo' Fresh Baked Cookies Right Here..
10-22-05 | 21:09

Thanks for the notes.
Today was a shitty day. I never even left the apartment. At least I did my Pilates, and Esther came over and did my nails and such, but from there everything crashed. It is usually this time every month that I get mad at Kelly and what he does with his time for no other reason than hormones. It is his desire to be a high fashion photographer, on the way to paying jobs he must first build a portfoilio. He is doing this through meeting and working with new stylists, makeup artists, and models and doing photo shoots - at least one every weekend. He meets most of these people through this network website called Model Mayham. It makes me fucking sick, it is just a whole fucking website of hot models advertsing themselves and the photographers who love them.
I am very advrese to strangers. Kelly thinks it is a cultural thing. He constantly says how Itialn I am, culturally as well as actually being Italian. According to Kelly, I: "keep it in the family" and it is in my nature to be adverse to strangers. That I agree with, as far as being all mamma mia and whatnot - I'm third generation Italian. Any rich cultural hertiage I grew up with died with my Grandfather when I was fifteen.
But I digress, the problem Kelly and I have is my lack of understanding (and refusal, because I think it is a waste of time) in why he does what he does. To add a cherry to these problems he is in the midst of doing this 'project' with these two chick from Columbia, God only knows how he fucking met them in the first place, and the project is a 'cultural project' where these two sluts write about different social situations and Kelly photographs it. Eventually they plan to make it a book. These 'cultural' situations as Kelly tells me translates to clubs, or bars - on Saturday nights.
Are you throwing up yet?
These girls are in their early twenties and Kelly is twenty seven. Why he spends his time with flaky sluts is beyond me. It is one thing to hang about georgus women and photograph them, but to spend time with these trust fund whores who've discovered a way to go out to chessey clubs and feel better than all the people who attend in the guise of a 'cultural' project is beyond my comphrention. And Kelly, poor honest Kelly is actually interested in the project, he tells me that every time these girls have gone out with him they have brought their friends, or a guy they are dating. He has told me that they don't really focus to do this project and yet he continues to go out with them. I call them his 'girlfriends'.
"Kelly, are you going out with your girlfriends tonight?"
It makes him feel badly, but I think he deserves it. Meanwhile I am at home on a Saturday night - alone.
I could go on, but I'd get too upset. The main issue is that I always have these feelings but they take over me when I get my period.
Another thing is the issues I have with my family. I think therapy is bringing out all these feelings that I was previsiouly unaware of.
So today I looked out my bedroom window - I have a coner bedroom, and this particular window overlooks the coner of Bedford and Barrow Street. A big tree slightly obscures my view of the street, and this afternoon the green, slightly yellowedleaves were wet with rain and the air smelt cold, and it was the first day the heat in my apartment was turned on so those two smells compounded with the view of the old buildings brough back memories of my Grandmothers house in Brooklyn and how sepia toned my memories of my family are. I just burst into tears thinking of how things have changed. Kelly consolded me and we spent the entire afternoon together. He is out with his slutty chicks now. But this intense pain at the memories of my family - pain because they are just that; memories.
So with this feeling of loss concerning my family I called my cousin Lauren, she is one year younger than me and a close friend as well as a family member, I thought she would understand. I called her asking her to come over for a couple of hours and hang out with me. I could hear it in her voice. She held her friend Domonic in higher regard than her melonchy cousin. When I told her that she needn't come over, she sounded relived. That hurt me.
So I am hurt and angry with Lauren. Lonely without Kelly and hungry. It is too late to eat because if I eat now i'll get nightmares again; besides I ate nachos with Kelly last night and all I've eaten today was my kashi and soy milk, half an Amy's Spinach pizza and some cookies (fresh baked mind you; from this bakery called Milk & Cookies areund the bloody corner of my apartment).

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A little pain in my back
10-21-05 | 19:00

The weather this morning was so ominous, so many tiny coincidences. Knowing that the only meaning coincidences hold is what emotions, scenarios, situations, memories one connotaties with certain things don't make them any less eerie.
I did not go to the USC thingy yesterday evening. Instead I ate chips and dip and was mean to Kelly. I have a blemish.
So I've done almost all the work I planned to get done by the end of the day, and I feel good about that.
Every night this week I've been plagued by terrible nightmares, last night it was my ex boyfriend, in my apartment. He would leave even though I told him Kelly was coming home any minute so he had to leave or risk being seen. Later in the dream my ex boyfriend came to my front door with a gun in his hand. These dreams chill me, yet I've been sleeping deeper than I have in months.
So it is official, and healthy: I am going to be an Aunt. I am not really excited. I have very mixed feelings toward my brother and his wife. They don't respect me very much, nor are they very friendly toward me. Not like I am allowing those feelings get in the way of this fetus, but - that is what it is at this point - a fetus. I can't feel one way or another about it. My sister in-law is one of those people who send out mass e-mails to all friends and family with attached photos of the sonogram and all that garbage. I think that is very attention grabbing without actually writing to one person. I'm not going to gush because it is expected of me. If anything I am happy for my brother. Gah. Just talking about those two puts me in a bad mood. I am so sensitive right now and in a perpetual bad mood.

I am home now and I just finished my Pilates. I feel so good that I did it, although I didn�t want to. I know I�ll feel good when I finish yet I don�t want to do the work. I am still not seeing the results I want and expect to see. Although I cannot say I expect to see them because I am not working hard enough. Just when I feel good about myself and I think I can pass muster with myself, I�ll see some woman who is so thin and I will wonder �what�s wrong with me? That I cannot be this way.� I don�t know. I feel so miserable about myself, and just the other day I was tooting my horn about how great things are going with my life. I hate to chock it all up to my period because it seems like a lame and easy excuse. Last night Kelly asked, �Are you that out of control of yourself?� The answer is yes. That Is the absolute worst because I abhor being out of control of any situation or any emotion, and being utterly out of control to the point where I do not feel on point, or carefree, or focused flips me out all the more.
My words may not be exciting to read, Lord knows I�m not too pleased with what I written thus far, but I want to write, even inane little words, everyday, so that I�ll eventually get better at writing sober and happy like the way I wrote when I was doped out and truly miserable.

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The beast
10-20-05 | 19:03

So I'm currently at work now, when I am at work I am usually well - working. But I am feeling very sluggish and poopy right now, and my officemate left early for a doctors appointment so I am alone in my office with no pressing work, other then sending out the four-hundred 'No' letters from unsolicited resumes from schools that we don't even recruit from. I give myself forty a day to do, but I'll stay late tomorrow evening to make up for the ones I didn't get to today.
So tonight Kelly and I are going to that cocktail thingy at USC, I am not even in the mood to go but who am I to pass on free wine? I so absolutely don't have anything to say but I am fifteen minutes away from going home and I thought, "eh, might as well". I don't like the whole American way of putting punctuation on the inside of quotes, I feel it makes more sense to keep them outside if what you're quoting is not a complete sentence. But what do I know? I do not know enough (about grammar) to be a maven.
My birthday is is eight days. Wow, that is close. Twenty-five is my scary age, because by then I will be mad at myself for still being immature and childish, and not where I want to be in regard to education, since I am still pushing myself along at NYU and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. But in eight days I'll be twenty-four, so I have three hundred seventy three days to get my act together.
I ate noodle soup right before bed last night and I had terrible nightmares all night. I woke up screaming because in my dreams I was trapped in the elevator at work and I was moving a recruit and ended up being stuck for hours. Anxiety dreams I guess. Kelly woke me up, but that boy can sleep through anything so he wasn't very attentive and sweet.

*** I copied and pasted the above from earlier today when I was at work. My situation has not improved and I feel like the pits. This happens to me two weeks out of the month and I hate it, it only gets worse from here. I feel out of control, I don't even want to do my Pilates, I haven't taken off my makeup and I have absolutely nothing to wear to the stupid fucking 'business casual wine thingy to USC' tonight anyway. And whatever I do have to wear I have already tried on and deemed myself too hideous to wear anything other than my ugly blue comfy robe.
I've been home for an hour now and I haven't been able to move from this sofa. The bed isn't made and I feel so terribly out of control.


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One Thing Leads To Another
10-19-05 | 17:16


Have I been here since my surgery? I don't think so.
It went well.
My boobs are pretty cool. (!) Due to open-heart surgery when I was a baby, my tits (aren't I such a lady?) were asymmetrical. This surgery corrected that. I feel so much better about myself as a result of this surgery. I feel actualized, and I am no longer self-conscious about wearing a sheer top, going outside without a bra and only a shirt, and wearing v-neck or deep neck sweaters or tops. I can also feel it in my body, as my boobs are nice and perky, they no longer feel weighed down. My surgery has had a very positive impact on my life. My doctor, Dr. Christina Ahn, did a wonderful job. If I may get specific � I still have nipple sensation � which is something that you risk when you have a breast augmentation.
The healing process was difficult. Kelly was a wonderful terrific person to my throughout my recovery. He was home with me for the first week, and so very attentive. He came straight home from work almost every night of the week and tended to me. It was his patience and attention to me that helped me see how strong his love is. For the most part I was just in a lot of pain, and because I couldn�t move my chest muscles I couldn�t move my arms, or reach for anything. Kelly called me �Tyrannosaurs arms�. Another mildly difficult thing was that for six weeks, it was necessary to wear the sports bra that I had on when I came out of surgery. I started to feel better after two weeks, and from then on I was just kind of frustrated and bored. I was frustrated because I couldn�t move around much, as I was still healing. But I had the energy and the desire to get out of my apartment.
As soon as I was able to move around more I started taking advantage of my time off life, and started exercising, which is another thing that has had a positive impact of my well being, attitude in general, and my life. I now do Pilates six times a week, and a light twenty-minute cardio three times a week. I also go to re:AB and have a personal training session once a week. This session with a professional instructor really helps me improve when I am at home and on the mat. I feel a slight difference in my abs and a slightly stretched out feeling in the rest of my body, but that is where it ends. I am anxious to see results, another reason why I have personal sessions.
After I had my surgery I decided to buy a moleskin graph-papered notebook and wrote down everything I ate. This lasted about a month. As soon as I got better and had a life again I just did not have the time or the ability to keep track of what I ate. If I may say, Pilates and exercising has really evened out my appetite and what foods I crave. I am only maintaining however, not losing any weight, and that is something that I have not actively dealt with in a couple of months. It has been on the back of my mind. Probably because I have been � happy. No binges since August.
OK, two more � three more things�
I have been promoted at work. I am now a Legal Recruiting and Personnel Assistant at a law firm whose name I shall not mention. I absolutely love my job. I share an office with this sweet woman who is slightly older than me and who is very into fitness and doesn�t eat much � which is a good influence on me. She and I get along very well. My boss is a lovely, professional and kind woman. There are five people � including me- in the department. All are female and I enjoy their company and respect the people I work with.
Kelly and I are getting along marvelously. And we are so good together � it makes me smile. He finally makes me feel secure.
I am also seeing a therapist. I wanted to see one for a while, I remember last summer (04) I saw this therapist and I hated her, we just didn�t get along, and when I stopped going she never even called me. It was so impersonal I did not enjoy it. Then I remembered the therapist I saw when I was nineteen and just starting at NYU. I really liked talking with her, but I stopped going, I think because I was just too young and things were getting difficult and I just ended it. Well I looked up her name again and discovered that she is now in private practice, I called her and we are back on track. I really like that I have that history with her and I like that she and I have a rapport.
I have Wednesdays off work, and I was going to run errands, but I only did half of what I wanted to do today� oh well.
Tomorrow evening Kelly and I are going to a small get together at Union Square Caf�. The restaurant is celebrating twenty years this month and along with that they have a whole slew of events, as my Mother and I eat lunch there every other weekend, we were invited to a snacking and wine thing (party???) tomorrow evening. Kelly and I are going � I am excited. I believe it is fancy-pants restaurant event week for the two of us. Monday night we attended this �Global Flavors� event at the Puck building. We had an OK time. I was under the impression the event would be more instructional as there was a cooking demonstration that we stayed for and it turned out to suck.

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I have too many books
7-21-05 | 21:02

I am stressed about school.
I don't even want to write about this one teacher. She is garbage. She is any angry person because she lives in New Jersey, teaches the dregs, and has no children and is plump and unhappy. Because of this she is patronizing and condescending.. I suppose that works if you don't mind subtle annoyances, but I am quite sensitive. Whoops, I am talking about her.
It is really hard to exercise toxic garbage from your life. Everyone has people that they cannot stand, but are forced to co-exist with. For me the best way is to ignore it. Ignore the person outside of any necessary communication, Such as working together - no need to talk shop. Or being a student for a monster that would eat her young - don't be personal and show pictures of your dogs (she does that, as well as insists that everyone call her 'Missy'). Just be. For me, this includes 'gossip'. When I come home and I have a particularly nasty scenario from earlier in the day, I realize that it isn't worth bringing that nastiness home. Or even thinking about it. This is hard to do - but oh boy when I just shut the fuck up and do not let things of no consequence bother me I am a much happier person.
So last night: My first night alone in my apartment.
It was wonderful.
But I burnt myself with the iron. It looks worse than it is. Yet another icky scar to add to my body I guess. I have too many scars.

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My laundry will be here by 4 o'clock. Hopefully.
7-20-05 | 13:43

PB is going to Mississippi to visit his mother for a few days. (He is from Westchester originally; his family moved to Mississippi because his mother wanted to be near her sister who recently moved there for god only knows why.) His father left - flat out left his mother and moved with his old family, who happen to live in Florida. It is all very soap opera-ish, which is surprising because his family is quite down to earth.
He is so depressed, and he doesn't want to be down there, but his mother needs him right now.
So. What does this mean for me? I get to be by myself! In my own apartment! For a whole week! PB is a lot less like my 'boyfriend' then he is some broke ass lover bunny who stays with me. We do not live together he stays with me.
How do I manage this? You might ask? He pays both the cable and electric bill. That is all. And yet he still has no money.
I sense a PB bashing tangent on the rise, so I will quell it with focusing on my immense excitement for being alone for a week.
This Friday is my brother's 30th birthday. His wife, Lindsay-bitch, has concocted a surprise for him, in which we (my folks and I) are the surprise. we are going to visit him. He lives in Evanston, however the wife-bitch has to attend a wedding for a family friend that weekend, and instead of saying no she (of course) drags him back to her hometown (D.C.) so she and her family can attend a wedding. So we are taking the train down to D.C. Friday afternoon. Because my parents are awesome and they don't like doing anything we are leaving the next morning at nine, to return home by noon. I'm just looking forward to staying at the Westin on Embassy Row.
PB has boxers that are in the wash. The wash gets sent out and it has not returned. his flight is at 7. he must leave by 6. I need this laundry now.

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Pink
7-19-05 | 18:30

Hello.
I must admit I am jealous of you ladies who can keep it together and update with regularity, you ladies who have been doing this since 2002. I have (obviously) since fallen by the wayside.
I'll be candid with my year thus far: Let me see, it went like this, one miserable time at school, plotting along on my own, one crazy sucky ass, bottom feeding job which took over my whole existence and made me a mean person, one abortion, one boyfriend living with me and me - getting by.
This has been a tough year.
School has been made all the more painful due to my GPA issues five years ago. I seem to being paying tenfold now for the mistakes I made when I was nineteen. It is depressing enough when all your younger friends have already graduated college fifty years before you even have the glimmer of hope of seeing that happen, but it is doubly painful when the school you're attending is behaving in the exact same way that caused you to want to leave in the first place.
The abortion thing wasn't even an 'issue' with me. Sure it was emotional but not the sort of heart wrenching event that scares women and their closest friends for the rest of their dirty sinful lives, like you so often see and read about.
I am having surgery in one week for my breasts. Triple J's baby! No what I'm having done is a correction, my chest is quite asymmetrical, due to open heart surgery I had when I was a baby, apparently at two months of age it is hard to evenly sew up a chest! I am not having any size increased, in fact in one breast the size will be decreased so slightly as to make these girls even and perky.
What I am truly excited about is 'recovery' I am taking two weeks (and then some) off of work, with complete pay (after two weeks I'll stop being paid), and for two of the three weeks I will be finished with school - so I'll have NOTHING to do. Oh how I will love watching The Soup on E! and reading books for pleasure again. What is even better than that is that when I return to work it will be to a new department, I've been promoted. I will be a recruiting assistant at the law firm. This I am very excited about.
I've also started using fitday again. I only started on Saturday. In addition to that I have a graph lined moleskin notebook in which I document everything I eat, kind of like a hard copy of the information on fitday. I also use the notebook to write comments. I hope to be 108 lbs. by August 15th, the day I return back to work. I am currently 120ish. I do not have a scale at home, but I am pretty sure this is the correct weight. Maybe I ought to buy a scale.
I have a pair of notify jeans, size 26 that I hope to fit into by September. Sounds shallow I know but I am so tired of wanting to be invisible. I want to feel good about myself and want to want to be seen.
I'm getting frustrated with myself, so I'll end this entry.
Sometimes I get aggravated with how stupid I am, or how stupid I feel.

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What I desire
4-23-05 | 10:32

Personally, I like to be mysterious. What I loved about my old apartment is that it was mine. At the end of the day � when I closed the door after I let myself in � I was on my own. It is not solitude that I am praising, although that is terribly important to me, it is having something of one�s own. When I had that apartment on that quaint little Street it was mine, and therefore, my life was mine. This is important because I have finally figured out why I miss my old apartment so. I miss it not because it was my first apartment, or because I was on my own for the first time ever, I miss it because it was mine.
I do not have this here. K lives with me. In this infinitely more beautiful and larger apartment, I share it with someone. And what is worse is that he doesn�t pay the rent. It is (as he said himself) a 75 � 25 split. You see we are working toward a future together, some future though if I dream about being alone in this place. I do � I actually fantasize about how much better the apartment would be without him in it. I would have so much more closet space without all his crap and books filling it up, I would have more shelf space, I would be able to move the bed to the other wall in the bedroom, and therefore create a space for a little chair, I would be able to get that sofa from Maurice Villency (click on collection, then living, then behold the first sofa � the black one � that I am in love with) and the matching chair. I would be able to get a real coffee table and I could just go on and on.
Do you ask why I am unable to get these things with K living here? Does he hat pretty things? Is he adverse to style? No, no, on the contrary he loves stylish things � he works in fashion, it is just that we are both working off our debts at warp speed, so that in the future I (yes, I can support him while he peruses his dream. Which is in constant flux. Two months ago he wanted to start his own computer consulting company, and now he wants to be creative doing something else. So because, when my debt is paid off I still need to be extra frugal because I will be supporting him full time � I cannot do what I want to do with MY apartment.
I shouldn�t be adverse to this, to the face I am very supportive � I do just want him to be happy, however, I can�t help but feel that I do more than my share whilst he gets a free ride. And yes because of that I feel he ought to bend over backward to make me extra happy. I am selfish, I am moody and I am an extremely private person. And what is more � I do not want to change.
I am currently working full time in an unfulfilling office clerical job, and going to school at nights. I don�t know why I wrote that.
The other thing that gets to me is all of his suggestions about �improving the apartment� he wants better curtains, art on the walls, a side table for the living room�. The list goes on. But we are on a budget, so stop fucking talking about it ever other weekend! Besides he and cannot agree on apartment things at all. He goes this way and I go that way.
We have it worked out, he pays for groceries and cleaning supplies, and the cable and electric bill and I pay for laundry and the phone bill, it is a very good plan really. He pays his way, but not as much as he did when he was living on his own, which in turn helps his pay off his debt more aggressively. At the same time he lightens the load on my end (with the cable, food, household stuff and electric) so I can pay off my debt faster as well. And all this leads up to�.. (drum roll please�) HIS DREAM of not working and pursuing his dreams of whatever he feels like doing this week! YAy!
Even all this I can handle at times. This is boiling over because he and I have very different social comforts. He feels uncomfortable in a group setting outside, he likes to be comfy and being his friends home and �hang out�. To me, my home is a very, very private place where only selected good friends can come and �hang out� The exceptions are of course, parties and dinners � but you see that is an activity � not just hanging about on the sofa or whatnot. Add to the mix that I do not like his friends, and that the apartment is large � but not large enough that I can hang out in another room (besides the bedroom!) and that I have my routine when I come home. After working all day I have homework or class, and then I need to wake up (usually at six a.m.) and do it all over again.
Even without a good explanation � I do not want his stupid immature girl friends hanging about my apartment.
All this makes me a bit nervous because of the gnawing need to be alone, why would I not want to share my love and life with the boy that I love? Why want to be alone when this desire (selfish one at that) will just have me end up alone anyway? Or is this just society getting at me? Women who want, who desire solitude get punished for it in the end. Isn�t that right? Who am I to shun a boy (or a man) who tells me that I have all of his love?
Whatever it is � living together, living with another person is so hard, and I know this is true for everyone, hard at first � but the feelings I am feeling kind of seem singular to me.
My home, my living space is so extremely personal, and sharing it with someone whom I still feel contempt for and whom I feel is undeserving of what I offer is very, very bad.
I was going to write about the W hotel and our mini vacation, perhaps next entry.
Now I am going to get a pedicure and later I am going to get my hair straightened again.
I could write more about K, I could never stop � the endless list of things about him that annoy me�..

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05-05-12 - Smooches!
11-09-11 - On a lighter note...
10-01-11 - You, you, you, you, you
09-29-11 - Candy Apples
01-09-11 - Echo fell in love with Narcissus