11-08-05 | 21:59

I have not been my usual meticulous, enthusiastic and helpful self at work. I am making mistakes and they are biting me in the bottom. Mid morning I discover e-mail from an angry law student whom we rejected when said student sent us an unsolicited resume. Apparently I misspelled his name and the letter that was sent did not address the student’s request! That being said; I had about five hundred unsolicited resumes to send letters to, and did them in batches of forty letters a day. I’ll admit this is not the highlight of my otherwise wonderful job, but I’m happy to do any work I’m given. Of course it is my shit luck to make an error to the one asshole in the whole of five hundred law students! I was very upset and embarrassed. Of course my fantastic lovely boss took this error in stride and in the long run it is unimportant. From this I’ve learnt that all letters must be proofread before being sent out. My second – and much larger – error actually took place yesterday but I only realized it today. I sent a ‘reject’ letter to a future associate of ours. Thankfully it was not the other way around and I phoned future associate – who was understanding of my mistake – and future associate will mail me back the letter and the situation will be corrected. But Golly! I was a wreck. I was shaking for the better half of the morning. It is not like I am being purposely careless with my work – I believe I am doing a good job – I suppose I must do better, and I will. Unfortunately due to my neurotic nature these errors will cause me to be overly cautious and to check my work at least sixteen times before it is sent out resulting in worthless worrying and headaches.
Another thing on my mind is the relationship of an old friend of mine. This friend was someone whom I always felt was better than me. She is beautiful, smart and cool – doesn’t every girl have a ‘friend’ like that? – However she put me in situations where I felt inferior next to her. She played on my already existing insecurity to the point where it wasn’t fun to hang out with her. She also wore me down with her constant need for attention and would be angry – actually angry – if I didn’t call her back within a week, or flaked on plans – which I did often because I didn’t feel good about myself when I was with her, and the only time I felt good when with her was when I used to do dope – check that out. Well this friend phoned me on my birthday to wish me well. Wow, I mean I was thinking about her for that whole week because our birthdays are right after each other. She left me a voice mail and I subsequently phoned her the next day to wish her a happy birthday. I got her voice mail. I mentioned that if she wanted to chat or catch up I’d love to hear from her. So – she called me back – and left me a voice mail. I want to call her but with this I have all these anxious and excited feelings about our relationship. I would love to see her and be friendly with her, and perhaps even become friends again but I am afraid of falling into all that I felt was toxic for me and what I left when I stopped phoning her in the first place.

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New Design Soon!
11-07-05 | 19:16

Four things on your desk right now:
1. WestSide Rifle and Pistol Range pen (They gave me a free pen! "Here, have this pen")
2. Prada lip balm (still the best)
3. Pink Post -It's
4. NALP Directory

Four things you’re wearing right now:
1. Loro Piana ivory winter sweater (so soft, and a little wintry)
2. Wolford thigh highs
3. Diamond earrings (I never take them off)
4. A watch!

Four things you WANT right now:
1. To be done with Pilates for the day
2. The air conditioners removed and cleared from the apartment.)
3. To fit in to my thin jeans
4. A pretty voice - not to sound like a chubby twelve year old with a cold -, which can be cured with speech lessons, I assume.

Four favorite childhood memories:
1. Sleepovers with my Grandma when I was young.
2. Eating Doritos and watching Double Dare with my brother.
3. Playing 'Amazon rainforest adventure' in the dining room.
4. Playing pillow fights with my father and brother.

Four things you’ve done today:
1. Lifted my weights,
2. Cursed the day.
3. Listened to my cousin discuss her troubles.
4. Google'd the names of people I know.

Four magazines you love:
1. Harpers
2. Bitch
3. Adbusters
4. Allure

Four people you’ve ONLY made out with. Nothing more…
1. Weird Austrian man
2. My elementary school boyfriend: Eric
3. Eww, John the messenger at my old employers.
4. Experimenting with the chicks in high school.

Four brushes with fame:
1. Best friends with a chick on an ABD drama
That is all

Four biggest mistakes:
1. Perhaps dropping out of college in the first place
That is all

Four makeup products you most frequently use:
1. Chanel Liquid liner
2. Cover up
3. Nars Earth Angel and Himalayas shadow
4. Haute zero powder

Four hairstyles you’ve had in your life: - in order
1. Pageboy cut
2. Purple hair with the bottom shaved
3. Pixie cut!
4. Longish shag - which I have now.
Four favorite drinks:

1. Water
2. Earl grey tea
3. Veuve Clicquot
4. Diet coke.

Four childhood friends:
1. Randy something something. She was one of the cool kids. We were only friends because Her grandmother lived next door to me.
2. Ruth Quinoes I think she was a lesbian. She used to pinch my ass.
3.Gillard. He was this terrific kid. We became fast friends. His family relocated to Queens (?) from Israel. We first became friends when some mean kid knocked all his books down on the floor after class and I stayed to help him clean it up. His family was vegetarian and it was from him that I received my first other culture of experience. On a weird note - we lost touch when junior high started and years later he became a heart throb and all the girls would melt over him. They would literally sigh when he walked by. I like to think I trained him on some of it.
4. Carmine. Totally Italian. .

Four things you’ve consumed today:
1. Second Avenue Deli Fries
2. Honeydew melon
3. Cup of earl grey tea
4. Gold fishes

Four things you want to accomplish in the next two days:
1.Do Pilates every day this week
2.ave dinner with Lauren
3.Drinking more water
4. Being extra close with Kelly

I can't eat anymore lil' goldfish pretzels.
This weekend turned out to be a bust, but Kelly made it fantastic.
On Saturday the apartment was in shambles. I had two weeks of laundry sprawled through the rooms and I had yet to put away all the glorious clothes that I bought from Searle on Wednesday. On Friday night I planned for a productive Sunday, but the Esther called and cancelled, she had a cold and couldn't do my nails. I never did my Pilates and never went to the tailors for my coat sleeves. At two o'clock I was still wallowing in bed when Kelly cam in to the bedroom and told me that if I go up we can spend the day together and do whatever I wanted. Ten minutes later we were walked to Soho where I bought even more clothes - just a few tops at Diesel - Kelly wanted to get a new camera bag and well the day turned out to be fabulous. We walked to J&R and then took a taxi back to Bedford where we had a late lunch at Blue Ribbon Bakery.
That evening I took it upon myself to clean up and organize. The apartment is going through a transition from my old furniture to my new Maurice Villency loveliness, so everything in the apartment looks a little messy and unkempt. Add two weeks dirty laundry and dirty dishes to that and I start to cry.
On Sunday Kelly and I planned to shoot guns at the WestSide Rifle and Pistol Range but as it turns out you need a reservation. Turned away from shooting we went to B&H where he got a camera bag to his liking and then to Restoration Hardware where I filled my order for a parts replacement; the 'hot' and 'cold' words on my faucet has worn off. For a long time it was just 'ho' and 'ld' until one morning it vanished and I doubted that I ever has lovely little words on my facet.
By far my favorite part of the weekend was when Kelly and I returned home on Sunday afternoon after grocery shopping. He has the smart idea to get some tortilla chips and fresh guacamole. As soon as we walked through the door we placed the grocery bags on the kitchen table and went in to the living room and plunked down on the floor and ate. I don't know what exactly it was that I loved about that moment, maybe the sun shining right on us, or the casualness of us just sitting down without any music or television to accompany us. We still had our shoes on and it wasn't a meal - just a quick snack. The event reminded me of when we first started dating. When I didn't quite know him and coming up with the wild idea of chips and dip at noon on Sunday before continuing our day together was something that made me tumble ever further in love with him.
The only part of the weekend that was a real bust was the fact that I did not keep up with my Pilates and I just cannot stop eating these goldfishies! There - that is it - I just threw them in the trash. Fuckin' Fishes.

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11-01-05 | 22:48

I am ill.
I just recovered from an ear infection a couple of weeks ago and now I have a cold.
My week has been great. On Wednesday night my cousin Lauren and I went to Ino, this wine bar and panni cafe down the street from me. I've wanted to go there many times, but since the place is so small there never was an open table before, and I despise waiting more than five minutes for a table at any restaurant in New York. Kelly and I both agree - there are too many places to eat in the city that you shouldn't have to wait anywhere very long. After two bottles of wine and a sandwich we decided to go back to my apartment and listen to some music. I ended up smoking two cigarettes that night and I believe the cigarettes is what got me sick.
Today is Halloween and I would absolutely love to have a drink with Lauren, and walk around with Kelly while he takes photos of the crazy crazies that will roam the streets this evening. But I think I am going to have to call it a night when I get home. I feel so awful, my head hurts, I’ve got no energy and I have a fever. I am currently at work but I've done all my work for the day and I am waiting for a project that has been promised to me, maybe in a few minutes.
I made a dinner last night again. Indian food. Sweet potato curry with red lentils and warm pita bread, and a spicy cabbage thingy.
For the sweet potato curry I warmed up a chopped onion in some canola oil, and then added my chopped sweet potato, some chopped garlic, peeled and chopped ginger, some curry powder and a bay leaf. I let that cook for about five minutes, then poured in some boiling water and stirred in my red lentils. I covered my pan and let it cook for twenty minutes. For the cabbage I melted some butter and cumin in a pan, then added my thinly sliced cabbage, then added a can of chopped tomatoes with their juice, some red pepper flakes and brought it to a boil. Then I lowered the heat and covered the pan, let it cook until the cabbage was soft. Then I added some chopped fresh cilantro and the juice of one lemon. And let me tell you - I was quite afraid of cooking cabbage because once - when I was following a recipe from Nigella Lawson that I found in the New York Times some years ago I cooked a cabbage slaw and it stunk up the apartment so bad that I had to throw away the food. I should have known better than to follow a British recipe. Nigella Lawson is a terrific cook, but I'm better to follow her baking recipes instead of her girkin and boiled red cabbage garbage.
The spicy red cabbage and sweet potato curry complemented each other so well it made me happy. It was a very subtle dish.
Tomorrow is my birthday and to be quite honest I am worried, and not worried about being at work tomorrow. It is known in my close knit wonderful department that on birthdays a cake is brought and a song is sung. I am absolutely terrified of that happening to me. Yet at the same time, I am nervous of that not happening. I mean I am very new here, so I wouldn't be surprised if nothing happened, only kind of foolish for thinking that something would happen in the first place. Then I am worried because earlier this month I mentioned my birthday and I really think I ought to have kept my mouth shut, because something MIGHT happen.
I am also feeling pretty crappy because I didn’t not do any Pilates yesterday and I haven't been drinking enough water today, and I am wearing an ugly pink button down shirt whose cuffs are ALWAYS dirty and dingy no matter how many times I have it dry cleaned. I need to throw away this top. It is truly disgusting.
In other news: I got a new Television for my birthday! A twenty-six inch Sony Bravia television. Although 26 inches is rather large, a twenty-three inch version is not available in the Bravia model, and I really wanted the Bravia. Mostly because it is black more than it is silver. I think silver is kind of yucky.
The above was written yesterday. I feel much better now. Today I had a birthday. My feelings about birthdays are quite mixed, I feel that if it isn’t breakfast in bed with roses and rockets and wonderful it is nothing. I am quite extreme in that regard. And of course my day did not star off with roses and rockets so I was in a pissy mood – for absolutely no reason at all. I felt better when I came to my office, however, that feeling changed when a messenger brought in flowers. I was mortified. I started hyperventilating and to no avail, my office mate Emily tried to clam me down. After my episode – which nearly involved crying – Emily remarked that she had never seen anyone react to flowers the way that I did. I adore flowers, I cannot stand attention.*
I suppose my boss and my group was planning a surprise cake ‘meeting’ for me later that day and my attack made Emily confront our boss because around two o’clock my boss came in to my office and quietly mentioned
“We were going to surprise you with a cake in the conference room, but given that you aren’t comfortable with surprises I want to let you know that we are all going to enjoy some cake in the conference room, we’d love you to come, but I understand if you don’t want to.”
With an invite such as that I had no choice to partake in some delicious Cold Stone Creamery cake. I do so love cake.
My co-workers gave me a wonderful amazing gift: A gift certificate to any one class of my choice at the Institute of Culinary Education. My socks were knocked off I was so impressed.
Last night Kelly and I stayed in, as I was ill and feeling tired. We did enjoy some tricks of our own – Kelly sling shot pennies at cars that were honking and I threw cupfuls of water at obnoxious people on the street. Oh dear, it was so immature and fun.
Tomorrow evening my folks, Kelly and I are going to Gramercy tavern for my birthday. In the afternoon, after Pilates and Sunpoint I am going to Searle or Intermix to buy some clothes. I have a lot of work clothes and many causal clothes but not so much in between pretty clothes. I plan to buy some tomorrow.
*I later discovered that the second bunch of flowers were from Kelly. This warmed my heart and made me feel much better.

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10-31-05 | 16:43

You know, I think I am going to link here Kelly's website and all of his photos.
I cannot stand these websites. Looking at them is akin to sticking needles in my eye, and yet I cannot look away. I hate that he takes pictures of hot, sexy, thin, luscious girls. I hate that he goes out with these girls. I hate the comments that they exchange back and forth. I hate the stupid fucking emoticons that a girl he previously fucked places up in the comments section of his website. It makes me angry with him, it makes me hurt and it makes me want to hurt him. It makes me want to not be close to him, that he is so close to these girls. He tells me that it is just the clothes that he shoots, but I don't believe him. Do you? I mean look at some of the fucking photos, it ain't about the clothes.
The worst thing is that He is actually good at taking pictures, and his talent has grown within the years - I've seen it, and I am so proud - but I still hate what he does. I guess I enjoy sticking needles in my eye.
Looking at the photos, the comments, and all the fucking friendly bullshit makes me almost sick. I feel as if he is cheating on me all over again, but this time it is worse.
What is wrong with me?

note: I am not actually linking, you must copy and paste. I am trying to keep this place secret, so please open a new browser window to look at these links. Thanks

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