11-29-05 | 10:56

I called out of work today.
“Last night I tripped and hurt my ankle” The irony that I claimed to be injured and am taking the day off to relax and go to the gym is not lost on me.
I worked out on the elliptical on Sunday, and yesterday evening I did this weird bike thing as all the other machines were taken. Then took a Pilates group class, and I did not enjoy myself. I am so loyal to my personal Pilates trainer and throughout the class I kept thinking how much better my instructor is over this little punky chick who can’t direct and instruct to save her life. I am very achy and tired, does this happen? I vaguely remember feeling this way when I worked out at my old gym, but I fear that I am pushing myself to injury, but at the same time I do not want to stop because I want to follow through with this. I just want to see results.
My last entry was pitiful, probably because I was at work and I cannot concentrate my writing and then I get frustrated with myself and then just shut down.
To give a small background on the previous entry:
An interesting parallel between my brother, his wife and PB and me is that both men – my brother and PB – have assimilated the lives of the women in the relationship – sister-in-law and me. Brother moved away from friends and family to join his wife while she goes to school, he has adopted her religion, her way of living, and PB has drastically changed his life for me. He has changed his social habits, his sleeping habits and whereas I have changed minimally for him. My therapist notes the interesting similarities with curiosity. At the same time that I admire sister-in-law for being such a strong woman I am upset at my brother for falling so in love with his wife’s family and ignoring his real family. It is very difficult being the only one to witness the little day-to-day experiences and problems that make the whole of existence and being unable to do anything about it. Sure I talk to PB about it and by this point my sympathetic boyfriend probably better understands my family dynamics that actual Brother, but he can’t do anything but listen and offer suggestions as to what I might do. However these are pointless, for I cannot really do anything because I am the youngest child and only daughter in an Italian family. My biggest struggle is being respected and looked upon as a fellow person and not as the little girl.
But back to such serious issues as to what shall I do with my day? I could go to Tartine and drink tea and read a book, but my eyes are acting funny today and I am having problems reading words. I would like to browse the little dress shops (all two of them) on Christopher Street, but those probably do not open until noon. I can browse Barnes & Noble and my favorite bookstore; Three Lives and Co. but I am in the middle of reading a book at the moment and I do not want to get overwhelmed. I wonder if I can get another massage at Angel Feet??? Bahh. Oh that reminds me, I ought to go Christmas shopping for people. But I would first need to know what my friends and family would like.
It is so bummy outside.
I am going to the gym.

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