Cracked up Christmas
12-27-05 | 17:09
Christmas eve was lovely. Despite earlier in the day when I overheard my dad shouting while I was on the phone with my mother, which caused me to get teary and angry, which in turn caused me to knowingly and without control take out all this dysfunction out on PB. Well that caused a huge argument and major stress.
But all was well within an hour of that. We resolved the discussion, picked up some DVD's, picked up the food, and my mother's driver took us to Queens. The evening was so low key and wonderful, I couldn't have had a better Christmas with my family. We started the evening with some cheese and crackers and popped a movie in the DVD.. After the movie we chatted amidst drinks and played Parcheesi. Then we sat down for dinner. PB and I took complete control of the evening. Not allowing my mother to clean up or help out in the kitchen and keeping my father content. It wasn't very hard; they were both in very happy moods. After dinner my father, PB and I took a walk and then returned to the apartment to open presents. After presents we ate some cake and listened to Christmas music. PB and I went home soon after. When we got home we watched War of The Worlds and drank champagne.
Christmas day was just as low key. We watched television and ate Chinese food for lunch. Later on we visited my cousin and my Aunts in Brooklyn only to go back home and celebrate PB's birthday! I opened a bottle of '98 veuve clicquot and we ate flourless chocolate cake with a bit of crčme fraîche on the side and drank champagne.
And now? I am ill. I have an ear infection and a sore throat. It hurts when I swallow and I have absolutely no energy.
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12-23-05 | 11:12
It is never easy is it? It is never without stress, sadness, and anger.
My father treats my mother like a pet. He cannot do anything without her assistance and when he does not receive one hundred percent of her attention all of the time her turns on her and yells and blames her for things which are ludicrous and beyond her control. He behaves like a five year old whose mommy came home late from work. Combine that with some messed up macho ego and you get my father - Fred Flintstone mixed with King Kong.
If he is not in a good mood tomorrow everything will be screwed. He has the power to make everyone within a twenty foot radius miserable. He has so much anger and frustration and loneliness and absolutely none of it has to do with my mother. But she is the only person in his life - and it all gets dumped onto her. He is so depressed and I think that he either does not know it or cannot cope with his feelings because his lack of understanding scares him and he pushes them down and they end up coming right back up under the guise of anger. My mother can only handle so much. She is an angel and does not deserve to be treated like this.
He has to 'be' in control of his environment and that of course includes my mother - because she is his pet. And when he loses control he gets mad. He has spent days ignoring her, not speaking to her, punishing no one but himself because he has no one else to talk to. He locks himself up in the computer room and watches television - alone. He is just so miserable and it breaks my heart. If only he would open up, and take a deep breath. He is very unhealthy. An overweight overeater. I see so much of myself in him. The need for control, the food. But I take it all out on myself, I have more control. Maybe because I've grown up seeing him - like this.
With all my heart I want him to be happy and healthy. I wish he would work only four days a week, work out and eat properly. The most twisted part is that when he gets mad at my mother - - he doesn't talk to me. And when my mother bears his bullshit she vents to me and just gets so upset and does nothing about it. Does she too need this dysfunction in the marriage?
PB resigned yesterday. I am utterly happy for him. His work environment was atrocious. He was treated with no respect and was paid very little. I think he needed to leave completely in order for him to move forward. He is tenacious and once he has the energy and support I know he can do whatever he pleases.
Myself? I am ill. I have a sore throat. I think I need to lay off the dairy. I am very sensitive and it would behoove me and my health to lay off that crap. I think I may leave work early this afternoon, do some walking at the highest incline on the treadmill and lift some weights.
I am not sure that I will post again before Christmas.
I hope everybody everywhere has a wonderful everything.
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12-22-05 | 13:26
Christmas this year plans to be very low key. I could not be happier about that. Citarella will cater our Christmas dinner, I ordered different pastas, a roasted chicken, some grilled vegetables, cheese and crackers, chips and guacamole. PB and I are going to rent two movies before we go out to Queens and Christmas will be my parents, PB and me sitting together, sipping champagne, noshing of delicious food and watching good movies. No stress, no family drama, no dishes, no fancy dress.
The strike is over!
Yesterday I was totally vegan, eating lunch from Sacred Chow. The kale there is so wonderful but is probably seeped in oil. Who cares it is soo yummy.
I am at work today and am doing a good job. Things are pretty quiet around here and I am pacing myself well.
I have been sleeping so deeply lately but at the same time been plagued with bizarre vivid dreams. I feel like something is wrong, like I am missing something. I am stressed about the apartment lately. My cleaning lady could not come this week due to the strike, and my full length mirror fucking fell on PB the other day. He escaped unharmed but the mirror broke and now it is laying on the floor in the living room.
I have resigned myself to letting the Holidays go this year. I will do Christmas properly next year. I am officially embracing the Waitresses Christmas song. Sans meeting strange man in the supermarket.
I am oh so bland right now. I am torn, should I get a cup of hazelnut coffee or a diet coke?
I cancelled on my gym trainer yesterday. I did go to Pilates yesterday but not to the gym. I was just so exhausted that I could not do it. As a result I think I am going to make myself to go to the gym tonight, and tomorrow night.
I just ate a big lunch.
I am now drinking a diet coke.
If I can keep this up, this eating of my Kashi GoLean with Zen Panda soy milk and one grapefruit every morning, a banana for a mid morning snack and my large lunch with a V8 for a late day snack and then working out some, for one week I will be back on track. I just need a couple of good days to get me started.
This entry sucks ass.
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12-20-05 | 12:36
Where have I been for the past week? What have I been up to?
Well- eating. I haven't had the motivation to update because I haven't felt worthy enough to do so.
I've just felt like garbage. Puffy and tired. I have been plowing through this for at least the past four years.
It depresses me that I have not yet made headway.
For the positive I can note that I am exercising seriously for the first time in my life. And that if I keep on this path by the summer I should be what I have always wanted to be. But I have to start now, not after my last tempeh burger wrap from Burritoville - now. Not after wolfing down a package of sesame crackers, not after watching them fall into the spaces of my keyboard - there forever for me to always remember - NOW.
I have the exercise part down, I am spending enough fucking money to not have the funds to eat - why and I wasting money when I have debt to pay? I just need to get the consumption part in order. I cannot do fitday. I utterly despise it. I am disappointed in myself, and I am so tired of being disappointed of myself.
Christmas is coming. I am so unprepared. Maybe next year I will have things more in order.
So there you have it - I haven't written because I have had nothing of note to report.
I am tired of beating myself up when I fail. I am tired of letting myself slide.
I hope that when I update next time I will be more worthy do do so.
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12-13-05 | 21:54
I have been busy these past two days.
At work I have bee working on the preparation of a firm wide meeting that takes place on Thursday. I have had to collect all the documents, format them, order binders – of it was so busy. The entire time I kept thinking “my first real project!” Thirty people are going to flip through these binders I made. They will put them in their offices and instantly forget about them! Still I was actually excited. I am such a dork. To add to my busyness at work my officemate called out ill both today and Monday, so I had her work to do as well as mine.
I also must get a lot done tomorrow. I have Pilates, therapy, a waxing and my trainer. All of that and I plan to pop by the card store, and get some Christmas shopping done as all I have is wrapping paper. I also have the firm Christmas party to attend tomorrow. My first office Christmas party. It will be held at the St. Regis, Penthouse ballroom. It is always very well done and I am only nervous about my appearance. With all this busyness at work I haven’t had time to do any exercising aside from my three appointments during the week, but that isn’t enough for me. I planned to go the gym this evening, but then I worked very late. So of course I am upset about this. I go to a ‘swanky’ gym and I may have mentioned how potatoed I am by my thin trainer, well I am also potatoed by all the people there. Three out of five women are model types. And one out of those five are seriously thin. Lately I am noticing that my Paper Denim jeans are too large on me but it is the result of stretching and over-ware rather than the result of my waistline and thigh area shrinking. I really need to monitor my self seriously. I am going to be very busy in the upcoming weeks and even if I have to forgo exercising I must not allow myself an excuse to consume mass amounts of cheese, chocolate and bread.
PB and I used the birthday gift my department at work gave to me last night: A gift certificate to any class at the Institute of Culinary Education. We attended the ‘Mysteries of Burgundy’ class. I had a nice time, but it is not something I would do again. I am glad I went and it affirmed my passion for wines from both the Cote De Beaune and the Cote De Nuits region. I never really tried white Burgundy and PB is now in love with a 2000 Patrick Javiller Grand Cru.
PB’s mother and brother are coming for a holiday visit on Saturday. I have never met his mother and I am thoroughly excited. We have all sorts of events planned for them. We are going to the MoMa, an art exhibit in South Street Seaport that PB discovered, we are going to see King Kong together, and show them all our favorite neighborhood eats. I also plan to make them dinner one night and have them over. Both PB’s brother and I are vegetarians, but PB wants me to make like a ham or something for his mother and him. Does anyone have any suggestions on recipes? Any ideas would be gratefully appreciated, as I have no idea what to prepare and how to go about it.
So, on my list of things to do is the following: My cathartic Wednesday of Pilates, Therapy and cardio. A waxing, The Christmas party. Christmas shopping. A recipe to learn and cook perfectly. OK maybe it isn’t that busy….
And! I am finally getting my furniture tomorrow! The sofa and coffee table from Maurice Villency
that I have been waiting for since August! I am so excited. It will be like I have a real apartment and not some cramped apartment! I am getting the Rivoli sofa. The website is flash so I coulf=d not link the sofa directly to here, but if you look under: collection>living> it is the second sofa. The beautiful black one. Oh Lord In less then twenty-four hours it will be here. I cannot wait. I am such a materialistic moron.
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12-10-05 | 12:04
No matter how well or bad life is going, one should always do it with flair. I make buying stationary a scene from the bible, taking out the trash is like an episode of Mission: Impossible
What can I say? I live each moment like a scene from a Tennessee Williams play!
OK, so that was the positive spin of my pathetic, petty entry from yesterday
I try to make every banal, inane part of my life a corresponding outfit, and attitude. A dramatic part of my characterization for the day.
I do this because?
I am restricting again. I god dam hate that word. But I am, even if it is just since Thursday, and yesterday evening in a fit of organization I cleaned out the little room – formally known as the closet, now known as the office – my laptop is now back at on the desk, where it belongs. A place for everything right? I am actively placing myself back into control mode. I don’t know if I am hiding here, or if from here I can see everything and make it right. I know only that I am suppressing some shit that I refuse to deal with and it will catch up with me, and in suppressing I am putting myself in to obsessive control mode and I like it. I always have.
One last thing, don’t forget to look at the delicious dinner PB made on Wednesday evening - sushi
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