Indolent
01-06-06 | 20:52

I haven't felt like updating because I haven't felt like being honest to myself and with the reality around me.
School is coming up. I take evening classes at a certain 'private institution in a public space' Greenwich Village school, but I am enrolled in the evening school program so it is at all very prestigious. Most of the time I regret how foolish it was of me to drop out in the first place. I purposefully failed all of my classes until I was asked to leave - I just hated everything so much at that time. Incidentally that is when I started this diary, but all entries pre 2005 were taken offline in order for the illusion of the 'new me' to actually come into fruition.
Anyway - so regret - I truly regret doing that. I should have stayed in the dorm I stayed in freshman year and just studied hard. But I guess at nineteen I did not have the foresight. I didn't have the determination - wait - I've always had the determination but at that time I did not know I had that strength in me. I miss school being the focus of my life. I miss the steadiness of it.
Now I have so much to balance. A career (although I personally consider my work as a 'job' most people would consider what I do a career), a serious relationship, school, my parents mortality and family dynamics in general. Whereas when I was nineteen, or even twenty all that concerned me were cigarettes and school. I sometimes see former classmates of mine, friends that were never really 'friends' pass me by on the street and I pray they don't recognize me. They haven't and two of them live within ten blocks of me. I don't stalk them, it just so happens to be that when I do catch sight of them they are walking in or out of their buildings with keys in their hands. These old 'friends' have long since graduated (2004) and are on to different things. Undergrad is a distant memory for them. They are all the stronger for not dropping out during September 2ooo One. I envy them. They have finished and I still have so far to go.
Working a day job means that I can take two classes at the absolute most. I am working on a Bachelor of Arts degree. I haven't even received my associates. If you look it in four-year terms I am still a sophomore. I am so pathetic. When people at work ask me what degree I am perusing I actually fib and tell them that I have one or two years left when in reality I have like three or four even. Add this to the fact that I am easily overwhelmed and seems near impossible to do two things at once.
So I am just ignoring the situation. The situation being that I still have a paper due (gasp, I know I told you that I am terrible) from my summer semester and ignoring that my math class starts in like what a week, two weeks Ė do I need a book?
I just feel so beat up by this school and part of me wants to excel if only to show this school what Iím made of. But what if I am not made of that strength? I am so lazy. Why canít I just write a four-page paper (I know, now youíre really appalled Ė and I have extensive notes, so if I would just commit an afternoon to this paper I would be set) and be done with it? What am I scared of?
And the best part is that I have such high hopes for my degree. When I finish my core classes (which will be like - what, the twenty 12 Olympics?) I plan to major in sociologically, and even go on to get my masters. Uhh I cannot even bring myself to write a four-page paper on a freakiní movie.
So yeah.

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