03-03-06 | 21:30

Wow, this week totally flew by for me. I haven't had a week whiz by in almost as long as I can remember. The fast week is a good thing.
Did I mention that I feel great? Well I do, and I haven't felt great in almost as long as I can remember. Two for two!
The outside situation with PB and me has not changed, but I have - just a little bit, and as I can see even a little bit makes all the difference. Firstly I had a very good Pilates session on Wednesday followed by an even better therapy session. I see the changes taking place in myself with therapy. It is so healthy for me.
On Tuesday night I had a very rich and vivid dream that when I talked about it in therapy uncovered some feelings I have toward and for PB.
When I was younger, my father used to take me out to eat at this Irish pub; I always enjoyed going there with him., even more so because they served good comfort food like mozzarella sticks and potato skins. I have a particularly strong memory of being there with my dad, it was on the cusp of Christmas break when I was in Junior High and my Father just picked me up from my friend Randy's house and we went to the pub. We were sitting in a back booth and had just ordered when I sat back and relaxed in my cushioned seat. I had a smile on my face and said, "You know what dad? At this moment - I have no worries whatsoever. I just finished school, I have a nice long break, the holidays are coming and I am just so carefree and happy." My dad smiled back at me and said "Good". I don't think I ever felt that way again in my entire life.
In my dream from Tuesday night PB and I walk into the pub and greeted and seated by Paulie Walnuts from the Sopranos. We are seated at a table in the front and I ask if there is any way we can be seated in a booth somewhere in the back, Paulie Walnuts obliges and PB and I are comfortable seated in a booth. It is once we are seated that I recall the memory of me and my Father and my worry free statement and feeling. Then PB and I eat mozzarella sticks.
My therapist and I realized that through this dream I am telling myself that I place PB as a great comfort to me, and that he has a very legitimate and secure spot as one of my main comforts in life. He is right there with my father, my Irish pub, my mozzarella sticks, Paulie Walnuts - himself a sit in for my family, my moment of care free bliss. My two week comfort food binge now makes perfect sense - In my fear of losing my comfort (PB moving out) I am making an effort to get as much of it as I can. Of course I was to replace PB being here with a toy puppy! It all makes sense. After I realized this I was a lot less angry at him - I also think on of the reasons I am so angry at him is because I am mad at myself for creating this dynamic that currently exists with us - and a lot more comfortable and pleased with myself. I am not going to gain comfort with PB leaving by scarfing down mass quantities of baked ziti. With that in mind I think I have started actively started looking for different ways to find comfort. One of them is to exercise every day, do a series of deep breathing exercises in the morning and eat as vegan as possible. Because before I did all of that in the name of losing weight but now I am doing it because it makes me feel good and I really more confidant and secure.
Even if it has only been two days. This may not last, I may hate myself tomorrow and the next day I may have yet another epiphany, but right now...

***** Later
I am still going to post this entry but I wish it was better written.
But in the interest of putting it up before I lose my nerve - here it is.

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02-28-06 | 22:22

Darling, I'm sorry your I pod just died.
I just now got out of a shower. I wanted to comment on two things.

  1. PB goes through phases, where he will be rude, mean, mocking and cold to me for about oh, two weeks and then BOOM - in the course of one night he will become this overly sweet caring boyfriend who is more than happy to do anything for me. I have seen this phase about four times or more during the past year [of living together]. 1

  2. I am just so angry and venomous toward him. I get upset over everything. I guess it is just clear that I want him out. 2

Today he gladly did the laundry, went grocery shopping (my laundry quarters, my grocery money) and was just extra sensitive to my needs. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Now that I actively want him out I cannot stand to be home and I just want him not here anymore so I can fucking do my Pilates and not order dinner and

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