Spring Break? no?
03-17-06 | 08:28

It is morning now, and I feel less terrible than my very last entry. I haven't been getting enough sleep this week. The past two nights I've been getting to bed at eleven or even midnight. This is because of PB and I cuddling on the sofa and watching trash television.
I've got a training session at the gym this morning before our flight, so I am happy about that.
We are going to Naples, Florida and staying at the Ritz-Carlton. It is right on the Gulf and has its very own beach - but I still do not want to wear my bathing suit. I am kind of pissy about going because these people that we are visiting are:

How can you not have any solid plans for your wedding???
I dislike very much just unorganized hanging out. If I wanted to do that I would have been a stoner and stayed in junior high for the rest of my life. I am not saying I must have set schedules and times for everything, I just don't like drifting constantly.
Anyway, it is freezing in my apartment because I cannot put on the heat due to the paint - oil pain on the radiator and when I turn the heat on it smells like chemicals and hot paint - and I must get dressed so I guess I'll be going.

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03-16-06 | 19:04

I've not much to report.
I am feeling pretty slouchy right now.
I wrote the above two sentences hours ago. I am now in bed with my laptop on my lap (how appropriate). Tomorrow PB and I are going to Florida. His long-time friend kristin is getting married.
I don't feel ready for warm weather. In fact I don't feel ready for anything. I feel gross, lumpy and unworthy.

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You'd Think He'd Be Happy
03-15-06 | 21:42

I spent the day at CorneIia with my mom. It truly is lovely. PB calls it a female brotheI. sometimes being with my mom is very unnerving. She is and has always been very weight conscious. Hence my body issues? Anyway she is sixty years old, is 5'10" and weighs 125 pounds. Pound for pound - I am not a slim as she. I am twenty-four and 5'3". I don't feel comfortable stating my weight but I am not under 115 and not over 125 (closer to the later!). ANYWAY, today when I told her my weight she said "Oh, that's good" and she made a face, and then told me her weight. She is the most selfless and giving person I have ever known and will ever know but i have always felt that in this one particular area she is at competition with me. And she is winning but still. It is weird.
And PB is walking around like a stage three cancer patient. Yesterday the boy got a job! Cheers! you'd think he'd be happy right? No he is bloody upset about the pay, and you think with a solid job at one of the most powerful computer companies in the world (I'll give you a hint: Think Different), with full benefits, vacation and a two-week training program in Ireland (of all places!) he would be content and relaxed. He is stressing out. If it isn't one thing it is another thing. He is sitting right in front of me right now and talking to me doesn't he see that I am writing? he is telling me how fast I type and how I do not use most of my fingers, now he is throwing away our take-out dinner and cursing. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I can't take it anymore. Why is he never satisfied? And it ain't like the Steve EarIe song, it is just plain annoying. Now he is taking photographs of something in the kitchen with my old canon Al. He is a fucking loon.

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Same Song
03-12-06 | 19:53

I never made it to the gym yesterday, nonetheless I had an enjoyable day, or as enjoyable as could have been given my current situation.
Weather, change of weather in particular, stirs up my emotions. I am sure this happens to everyone - 'Spring Fever' and all, however I consider myself a highly sensitive person, and yesterday with the lovely weather I am all over the place - going back to my old entries, listening to music - I haven't listened to music in a long while - and the smell of my skin and hair after being out in the warm sunshine all day - fucking beautiful.
PB and I walked to the juice bar and whilst I sipped my pear, ginger, pineapple and aloe vera juice we poked around the Avenue A flea market for a bit until walking west he (I) bought (bought him) a sandwich and myself an apple and munched while sitting on a stoop on Perry Street. After that I think we went back home and cleaned a bit? Until we went out to dinner - which was something we haven't done in quite a long while.
Today I had quite a session with my personal trainer, and after getting lunch I came home and PB and I watched a movie, some more Julia Child, I cleaned up some more for the painters are coming tomorrow and now I am here. Sitting in the little room amidst PB's shit, lets see, fencing gear, a giant cutting board, a photo scanner, a HUGE color photograph printer, his G5 desktop and all of his various papers and notes and books. But the window is wide open and the evening is giving off a chilly breeze that reminds me of evenings spent hanging out my window on Christopher Street, smoking too many cigarettes and feeling nostalgic. Ha! if I only knew that now I am nostalgic for that!
Cleaning up today I noticed how bloody crammed and crowded everything is in this place, and how when he moves out how light and airy it all will be. I'll barely have enough to fill the space with,
I love PB. Last night he made me laugh till my cheeks turned red and started to hurt, but I need my own space in order to thrive.
I kind of regret putting myself in this situation. I felt pressured to live with him in the first place because he was pushing for it and now? I just want him to go. And that is why I don't like writing right now - because it opens up all these feelings that I can do nothing about given his current financial situation, and writing about them just gets me sad and upset. I feel like I am wasting what precious time I have left in this apartment. I already know all this, I know how I feel, how to articulate and what is the root cause. Now I need for something to be done about it and that cannot happen for some time - and that is really difficult.

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Step Into My Office, baby
03-11-06 | 12:37

Today is update day!
Esther left and I am waiting for my nails to dry so I can go to the gym. PB has gone out! So I am listening to Belle & Sebastian, and doing a foolish, foolish thing - reading my entries (which are no longer online, but in a word doc.) from 2003 - when PB and I were first getting together, A sampling if you will:

DATED: 4-11-03
Well it is now tomorrow and I haven't called him. Perhaps he is mad with me. He said he wanted us to spend more time together which translates to -
"I want to stay over your house more often and impede on your time just that much more, can I annoy you any other way? Maybe if you give me suggestions that might work, or I can just totally take away every single bit of personal space you've got left, and make you feel bad for the meager scraps of it (personal space) you hold on to. Hmm, yes that sounds like a great idea, lets do that, now can you go down on me?”
I feel so miserable because of the drugs, now that they are finally getting out of my system, I should be back to my usual self in 14 days. I've been through this before, it shouldn't be so bad, well it is always bad, but at least I know what I must go through in the coming two weeks P.S.
I don't think I'll ever be all there for anybody. I think that is just me, and how I am. I don't think I'll end up with anybody, ever.

Yeah so...
Another one:
DATED: 4-13-03
Right now I'm listening to Duke Ellington and smoking too many cigarettes, in my tiny (clean) studio, with my 1920's furniture and vibe, how’s that for artsy?
To be honest I really don't know what to do with myself.
I just lit a cigarette, I'm running low, and Gods I haven't written an entry like this in a year or so.
What does that mean? Man am I lonely. And the weirdest thing is that I could have gone out, not just with Parasol Boy, but with anyone, what is wrong with me? Do I miss Brian? Does everyone get like this from time to time? Is it the drugs? Are the acid, dope and K catching up with me? Will I feel better in two weeks?
Maybe, but the truth is I've felt exactly like this before, without drugs, this is just in my nature.
Let’s see what else could I possibly write about? Life is so sad. It really is.
I'll be back to cry in my coca some more later.
So, now you know - PB stands for Parasol Boy - long story...

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The Charging Sky
03-11-06 | 10:21

It is the most glorious day of the year – weather wise. It is a mid fifties and there is not a cloud in the sky. Last night was spent with PB watching my newly acquired DVD collection of Ju1ia Child – The French Chef. It is so entertaining to watch, on so many levels, the woman was so endearing and honest, her recipes were so very sixties, garnish everywhere and plates decorated unnecessarily. PB and I also had sex, which was very nice. The other night we had sex in the shower, but I really wasn’t that into it, but last night it was like we were newly dating and still very much into the feeling of it. It was not just fucking, but fucking him. Point is after eating a pizza, I was too tired to take a shower – which sort of wakes me up again and then I get sleepy – so we just went to bed. I had weird dreams last night, probably because I didn’t take a shower. But I woke up at nine o’clock and took a hot steamy bubble bath and now I am sitting here with my wet hair waiting for Esther to come over. After my nails dry I am going to the gym – it is too nice a day not too, perhaps I should hang up in the kitchen my jeans that I was once able to fit into, But would PB think that was too weird?
The painters are coming on Monday and Tuesday, and my refrigerator broke – yes it broke Thursday evening and the soonest maintenance can come is Tuesday afternoon. Lovely.
It is just so nice outside, the tour groups are in full swing and as I leaned out my window I see the super cleaning the path, people walking their dogs (soon that will be me too!), people jogging, people going to brunch.
My day will be spent listening to Jenny Lewis, White Rabbit Fur Coat, and the new Belle & Sebastian, The Life Pursuit. On my Ipod mini.
"But to be myself completely, I will love you just the same."

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