05-26-06 | 13:32

He is married. The boy in my last entry is married. Today is his birthday and I sent him a happy birthday email and he sent me the news of his marriage and a photo of the two of them! It was a courthouse wedding. I am so fucking shocked.
In other news I am about to leave for Chicago. We are staying at the Hotel Orrington - is that a good hotel?
OK my car is here. I miss PB

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A time to remember
05-25-06 | 22:27

I am an Aunt. The boy was born on April 18th. The same day as the hundred year anniversary of the Great San Francisco earthquake. The boy was an earthquake himself, coming out nine pounds nine ounces. My father and I weighed my cat and my cat weighs just seven ounces more then the boy. His name is really dull so I'll call him Jack.
I go out there - to Chicago - tomorrow. It is the Christening. I am Jack's Godmother.
I am sad. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel a change coming, from within me or from outside I don't know, but I feel something nonetheless. I am sad for different reasons, therapy is getting deeper and I am longing for the past. The past - when I was first with PB. When I lived alone and didn't do much, but I was pretty miserable then, I mean PB was a little immature jerk and didn't really give me what I wanted. My therapist thinks it is interesting that I went from dope to PB. She thinks there is this part of me that never got to be independent or something, I didn't really follow her line of thought.
PB isn't coming with me this weekend. I will miss him. It will be really hard away from him for three days and with my family.
Oh! That was it. PB is moving out and I am sad about it but also excited, and hopeful, but sad too. I feel like living with him I have lost some independence and I am scared for him to go because I am not rally sure of myself anymore. I am use to him, use to him with me. And I know that even though it wasn't the happiest I could be it was so comfortable.
Who am I? And who will I be when he isn't with me anymore? When I know that I am alone, and he is downtown somewhere.
I saw a movie with PB yesterday afternoon - Three Times - the first story made me cry. It reminded me of a boy I once knew. We were in my room watching a rented movie because it was easier than talking or looking at each other because when we did that all we could manage to do was smile. Huge goofy full teeth smiles so the only thing to do was to focus on the movie, but I wasn't paying attention, all I could focus on was that my hand was right next to his. Somehow our hands started touching and I looked down at our hands and watched as they slowly became intertwined and for a moment I couldn't tell our hands apart, I couldn't differentiate between his finger and mine. I quickly looked up at his face, only to notice that he too was looking down at our hands and he looked at me just as I looked at him, before I knew it we were kissing. That was the best kiss I ever had in my life and I wish I could do it better justice. The kiss felt like floating. It felt heavy and dense and it was a kiss that was five years in the making. There was only one other moment in our relationship that came close to that kiss. we just came back from a party and we were in his house, in his bedroom and there was a party downstairs and we escaped away into the bedroom and started to have sex, I remember his friend knocking on the door because he wanted to come in with his guitar and sing me a song, I remember him shouting 'no'. I remember the darkness of the room, him on top of me asking 'how does it feel?' I remember my dumb response , the simple adjective - good. I remember asking him right back and mostly I remember him stating - 'home, it feels like home'. That was the best it ever was with us. Most of the rest was silence, he wasn't the most exciting lover, and his tastes were pretty basic and bland. He didn't challenge me mentally or make me laugh the way PB does, or even the way Brad did. But those two moments are ours, or at least mine with him.
PB is in bed, I think I'm going to jump in there with him.

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A Drag
05-23-06 | 19:15

It has been some time. I have been so depressed. I don't know if it is because I have been sick for a month, haven't exercised on account of being ill, work has been so stressful and scary, or just the fact that I haven't written in so long that has kept me away.
Things have been so hard, and so scary, responsibility at work is causing me to shrivel up and make a mess of my life everywhere. I have headaches all the time, I am constipated (like you needed to know that), food doesn't taste good anymore, and I am never really hungry but I eat all the same.
PB and I have been up and down and up again, now we are on some sort of middle-ground and I am so scared about that because with him living with me I have made the mistake of meshing my identity with his and I am no longer the fiercely independent girl I once was. And now the thought of him moving out both excites and terrifies me. What am I going to do without him at night? It isn't as if I've been with him for ten years and he is leaving me or anything like that, but this is a separation nonetheless. And it is causing me to think twice about who I am and who I have become in the year and a half since he moved in with me. And - can our relationship survive him moving out? Can we last through a backwards step? Is this even a backwards step? I like knowing where my baby is, I like knowing, and feeling comforted by the fact that wherever he is, at the end of the day he will be in bed with me by my side.
I am also feeling so trapped by my mother and that is weighing heavily on me too. I am not free to live my life as privately, and personally and freely as I wish. The most ironic thing is this is all my own choice. My mother afforded my luxuries growing up that if I wish I can live without - on my own - but being the spoiled selfish girl that I am I choose not to and as a result I must live partially for someone else: my mother. That and I am the youngest and my brother has already moved away and family is so important to us that it would hurt my folks if I go away, but why would I? I like 'the life' don't I?
And work is so scary and real that I don't know how to handle it and I dread every day coming in, and maybe that is why I've been sick.
What is sick is my longing for times past, for the months where I didn't work and I was free and I would see my friends when the sun set, after a day of cafes, journal writing and shopping. but I was sad too then, wasn't I? It is just that there is so much expected of me, and that scares me. Growing up not much was really ever expected of me, and now - with work and being thisclose to twenty-five it seems that there is so much expected of me when all I want to do is - nothing.

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Well, now
04-26-06 | 13:59

I am here. i have been sick, but I am better now. I will write a proper entry soon, but I just couldn't not update.

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Kale is The New Coffee
03-21-06 | 21:43

I may take a mini hiatus from this diary. I am in no means leaving for good, or for a long while. My mini-break may last from five days to a month, but not more. If anyone wishes to contact me during this time, please leave a note, comment or guestbook message or e-mail me. I am not going anywhere and I will still be reading in on the lives of all you lovely ladies.
It started with the trip to Florida. On the night of my return, Sunday night I wrote a trite entry about my Friday flight fiasco that I never even put online. On the way to the airport I realized I forgot something, we ride back to my apartment, and then back to the airport, fifteen minutes before the plane leaves we are turned away at check in, ride back to the apartment and then ride back to the airport for the eight o’clock flight. Making a total of four round trips between Newark and the west village. The eight o’clock flight is two hours delayed, our car service plans fall through and PB and I are at ends with each other. At one o’clock in the morning, after fifteen hours of traveling within the same bloody time zone we arrive to our hotel. Where we proceeded to order champagne and hamburgers through room service (gots to love the twenty-four hour service). I am a vegetarian. I have not eaten meat in two years. This did not mess with me until today, when I again craved a hamburger and in fact ordered one from the local burger joint, a well-done cheddar cheeseburger with extra crisp bacon.
Well not I’ve gotten myself sick I have not worked out since Friday, and I skipped yesterdays session with my trainer, as well as today’s! She was nice enough to reschedule but then I flaked out today. What is wrong with me? My throat hurts and I am feel I must endure detoxification all over again. I don’t know what this has to do with my retreat from this diary but I feel the need to fall within myself and the rest I do not know. Perhaps I will write again when I am in a better state of mind but I must set some boundaries for myself.
Tomorrow I serve jury duty for the first time ever. No one should have to report anywhere before nine o’clock in the morning.

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