07-05-06 | 14:47
This is the eighth week without exercising. I am finally going to training this afternoon. I am so looking forward to it. Dinner last night was pleasant. I think PB and I really communicated, I mean we spoke a little about him moving out, and about why I've been the way that I am right now. It is that therapy is getting really intense and I need a place to retreat to, and PB being in my space all the time is depleting, and work? Work is awful, so I don't have anywhere to go.
To put it very ineloquently - because of what has been given to me [apartment, clothes, shoes - money, money, money] by my mother in some way our relationship is such that I owe her something, I am not an independent, and that faced with the growing responsibility of my job, and getting older has me torn to desire the independence of being truly on my own, but paralyzed by the fear of not being able to do so, and not necessarily wanting to do so at times because never having anything much expected from me has caused me to enjoy this soft middle ground that is now slowly burning a hole in my soul because I know what I am doing, and how I am living is not good for me but I continue to do so, and never feeling special comes in to play somewhere - I'm not quite sure where yet, and having PB around my space bothers me too, so his is where I am right now. I am just waiting for him to move out, and when he does maybe I will feel better about a lot of things.
Reading your diary as of late Vla is very bad for me because you make me want to go out and flirt with cute boys.
I went out with my friend R the other night and learnt that my old fuck-buddy has recently moved back to the city and is now residing in the West Village - Ack.
I am waiting for my sacred Chow to arrive. I spent the weekend feeling depressed, eating vegan brownies and watching like every on demand movie available and playing the Sims 2.
My food has arrived, and the maid is still here, I feel kind of weird about eating while she is bustling about cleaning, but I am doing it anyway, I'll just read something online.
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07-03-06 | 12:01
Nothing terribly new and exciting has happened in the eighteen days since I last updated. Work is so stressful and I loathe my job, PB is moving out - back to his old room in his old apartment near Union Square - it will be just the same as right before we lived together, like none of this ever happened, almost like this was all a bad dream? I don't know. I am depressed, I am starting to go a little deeper in therapy and it is really difficult, it is making me more depressed, discovering these things about myself, and how truly lame does that sound? Lord, I sound like one of those people "I'm just really going through a tough time in therapy right now so don't be mean to me, I'm so sensitive right now" Grrr
. Those people are idiots.
I'm not really doing anything special for the forth of July. Well I mean I'm taking PB out to the The Harrison
tomorrow evening, which will be difficult for me because well, I don't eat mean, fish or chicken and I am trying to stay away from dairy, which by the way is working, day four and counting.
PB moves out in umm, about forty days, but I'm not counting.
I have nothing to do today and it is kind of freaking me out. Maybe I should just get off my ass and go to the gym but I feel a bit weak to do that. I have a reflexology appointment at 2:30, and that depresses me more, somehow. PB was in a shitty mood when he came home from work last night.
Things are generally shitty
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06-14-06 | 21:52
Yep, well it is official - I am depressed. I ditched therapy today, blew off a button on my trousers yesterday, and can no longer fit into my comfortable jeans. I've been craving dope and over eating instead.
When will this end?
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06-11-06 | 16:25
It is 4:30 and I have wasted the day. I am terribly thirsty but the thought of moving or getting us to go to the kitchen is not appealing right now. Gods, I never thought I'd let it get to this level. On Friday evening I cleaned some, put away most of my clothes and on Saturday evening PB cleaned some of his things as well, but the place is still a mess.
PB ought to phone his old roommates today to find out if he can move back in with them, but he hasn't yet and if i ask him he will get cranky. I am anxious about it all because if they say yes and let him move back in they have to ask the current third roommate out and that can take about a month, and the PB is under the misimpression that he is going to build a loft bed in the room. And of course that can be done in a weekend right? So it could be at least a month for the current roommate to move out, and add the 12th of never for him to finish his loft bed arts and crafts. I don't want to be so negative but I know he isn't really going to do it. I just want him out now, like if he told me he would be out in a week I'd feel great. At least the new maid is coming on Tuesday - I hope - provided she can find the apartment. I am also anxious about that as well. I hear she does not speak much English so I am worried about properly communicating with her. Work is tomorrow, again. Lord when did the weekend become so short? I have some grapefruit in the fridge, and willing it to come to me just isn't working. I am not even comfortable in the position I am in. I am dehydrated, full of noodles and the sun is beating down on me from the window and this mixture and the quietness of the apartment is making me so sleepy. I wish PB would stop whatever the fuck he is doing in the little room and come help me clean up.
Earth to Ecstasia, I am falling asleep...
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06-08-06 | 21:32
Please scroll down for first entry of the evening.
Ten minute afterthought:
A lot of this mess is me showing PB how much he depends on me to keep things as is. I am disconnecting because I do not care, but with that comes the fact that PB is starting, ever so slightly - to get bothered by the state of the apartment. No clean dishes, no clean clothes, I have more clothes than him, so I'm set for at least two months, but I digress - I want PB to see how much I do around here because he never really knew it. Like for instance the other day I purchased art (my first art purchase!) from Mixed Greens
, a newly founded small company that sells original art by a select group of contemporary artists. What I love about them is how easy and accessible they make the art, their website has profiles on all the artists including description of their works and interviews, it gives it a complete meaning, you know? Again with the digressions! So I buy three pieces and it is pretty bloody expensive but it is worth it and when I come home I show it to PB and he sees the price and when I tell him that I bought three
he makes a comment along the lines of "OK now you have to pay my bills" or something snotty like that and maybe he was just teasing, or joking but I was very sensitive about that. I mean how much do I help him? He bloody lives for free for Christ sake!
Lately he has been stressing about the money he will have to spend when he moves out and has to start paying rent and my jaw almost dropped when I heard him say that. Wasn't he saving up money since April? Or at least paying off his debt and not buying clothes? OK it is nice that I have a boyfriend with a fashion sense that actually enjoys shopping with me and gives me fashion advice but gimmie a break dude, you don't need another seersucker Rugby polo. And when he stresses I feel the pressure, like I should be doing something to help him. But I pay for everything, and the worst part is that I know deep inside that he just doesn't give a damn, he will actually live in squalor, not change his sheets and have stained boxers. Ew.
OK Bad note to leave off, but I don't like like his sloppiness, and he really needs a hair cut.
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06-08-06 | 20:57
Well after that I called my cousin and dragged her from Brooklyn to spend time with me. I was so desperate for company that I sent a car for her so she wouldn't have to take the subway.
We were together for a few hours and she left around seven. The I called my friend R back because I haven't spoken to her nor have I returned her calls as of late. I explained to her my current state of sadness and she understood - she called to make sure I was OK because it is very unlike me to disappear - she even gave me the same advice you did Vla
, but I ain't in the mood to take advice, you know that feeling? I just want to crawl into bed and emerge with PB moved out and my life in control again. And the funniest thing is that I don't even feel the ick with PB, I feel nothing but love, but I know that in order for our relationship to thrive he must move out. When he does I bet we will come alive together again because right now we are in hibernation. But it s June.
And I have moths, and I am breaking out in hives from stress, and I have work tomorrow.
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06-08-06 | 13:48
I am one sad sorry sack of shit.
Yesterday in therapy I discovered, or finally said out loud, or admitted that when I was not ready when I was forced to leave Christopher Street. I didn't want to move out of there, partially because of PB and me, it was implied with him that when I moved out we would be living together. So there I was feeling rushed to leave my studio and feeling the pressure of moving in with PB. But move in together we did.
And now he is moving out. And I realize, the pressure, the stress the frustration I've been feeling over the past year and a half was because we were living together, and I wasn't ready. One of my original fears was that I would learn to depend on him too much and if he ever went away I would have no one, not even my self, because I stopped depending on myself didn’t' I? I depended on him. Well that is exactly what happened. In my dependence on him caused me to lose a bit of myself. And when faced with an evening alone - or two whole weeks, remember when he went away? I was so psyched for him to go and once he was away I flipped the fuck out. I was never ready to live with someone, to go half with someone, as much as it pains me to admit. As much as I feel selfish admitting, but I wasn't. The past year and a half has been about compromise and I am a person of extremes, a person of either all or nothing. It was never going to work, and that is OK. I am not saying that I wish it never happened because it brought me here…
I feel this is all incoherent bullshit.
I feel stagnant, the apartment is a mess, I am a mess and I am not doing anything about it. I need PB to move out – I feel pressure.
This is affecting everything, my diet, my exercise or lack thereof, my work performance, my concentration, my breathing everything and up until I was writing this cursed entry I was feeling disconnected and ok, but now I feel like a sloppy mess, on the verge of tears. A failure of a person who has lost the ability to take care of herself, a girl who has dirty dishes and no toilet paper. A plump girl dressed in her boyfriends torn boxers and bleach stained tank top filled to the brim with teacakes and clotted cream. A girl who told a lie to excuse herself out of work today and who did nothing but eat, read trashy novels, and watch moves that she has seen a hundred times already. I feel like I cannot breathe. My shoulders are slumped forward and my stomach juts out when I stand. It has been raining for ten days.
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