My weekend
08-21-06 | 19:23

So I phoned the spa and I spoke to the Manager of Human Relations and I told her (thank goodness it was a her) everything.
The 90 minutes started off weird when he expected me to lay on the table without first discussing what I wanted to focus on and if I wanted any special add ons (lavender oil, hot stones etc...) so I took it upon myself to tell him what I wished to focus on. As he started to leave the room so I could disrobe he told me to make sure I took off my underwear and made a 'removal of the underwear' gesture as he was walking through the door. Once I was on the table I asked him to change the music to classical, as he was choosing which type of classical he asked me if generic was OK, to which I replied "sure" and he mentioned that such-n-such composer (or song or whatever) was a bit romantic but not too acoustic so I could relax. Before the massage I told him how tired I was and he said that hopefully I could get some sleep, but he talked throughout the treatment, about one-third of it. I told him that I wished to focus on my neck and shoulders and after a minimal time spent there he moved to my buttocks, and continued to be in that area the entire time I was on my stomach. When he moved on to my legs and feet I didn't feel that he took care to properly cover in between my legs. At one point I flinched because he used too much pressure and he said "Sorry if that tickled", when I was on my stomach he spent so much time rubbing my collar bone and the area in between my breasts, he wanted to rub my stomach and I said no, but he moved his hand around my stomach over the blanket "just showing me things I could do myself to improve digestion and muscle areas. He spoke a lot about hip flexors and muscle stress. he moved his hand around my hips and waist "explaining" the movements of the muscles and joints. He massaged the sides of my body from below my underarms past the sides of my breasts and down to my waist. When I was on my stomach he put his hands under my neck and moved his hands all the way down to my bottom and back up again, and again, and again. He also had my arms at a ninety degree angle with my hands over my head and elbows bent and rested my arms on his legs and told me that sometimes he rests just like this in his bed when he is stressed out and relaxes as the "world melts away". When the massage was over he continued to talk to me about stretches I could do at home to help my back and the whole time I kept my eyes closed feigning relaxation so as not to look at him. There were points during the ninety minutes that I wanted to sit up and say "stop!" get off me and get away, but I couldn't I pictured the entire thing in my head, as one would picture getting up and out of bed and ready for work when you're really tired as a way to become motivated, but to no avail. I kept doubting myself, I was overtired, premenstrual, and in a really great spa - I was just overreacting. But then why did I feel like crying? There was a point when I was really cold and my hands and feet were cold but I didn't want to ask him for a blanket because I didn't want to slow him down, I didn't want it to be any longer that it had to be.
The Human Relations Manager was very sympathetic and understood how hard this information was to share, and how hard it must have been to to go through. She will talk to the guy (Mark) and keep my identity anonymous, she will also preform a background check on him and will get back to me with developments.
All this and PB didn't like it that I expected him to drop what he was doing to spend time with me. He said that I felt entitled and he didn't like that. He intentionally didn't give me what I wanted (his comfort and sympathy) because I wast acting entitled. He also decided it was a good time to inform me that he has been very unhappy with the relationship since February, and feels like we are 'just friends'. He wants to spend less time with me and doesn't want me to rely on him as much as I do.
Today on the phone he told me that he doesn't want kids nor does he wish to get married and my reaction was - where did this come from? - we've never spoken about either of those things, positively or negatively so why would he blurt it out like that? In what way was he feeling pressured? Is he seeing someone else? Because things were OK in my mind. Really they were - he moved out and I had my space back. We haven't seen much of each other because of his odd evening shift at work but I thought that was OK because it will help to give us space without feeling like it was done on purpose. I haven't been the happiest either, but I thought things were getting better, or back to normal. But he totally blew me out of the water, by mentioned breaking up several times last night, by implying that he is staying with me in part because of his fear of me removing him from my life completely if we break up. He also mentioned that he doesn't want me to rely on him so much.
He wants the perks and the fun of a relationship but not the responsibility], he never has, and I never really saw it.
I need someone who will take care of me, I need someone who will drop what he is doing if something terrible happened to me. How could he not want me to wait until he finished eating, hanging out, painting, reading while I am crying and holding on to myself tightly? There is an order of importance, girlfriends are higher than friends and lower than family (for most people).
To be perfectly honest PB never 'came to my rescue' right when I needed him. I've always had to ask and to remind him and to wait whilst he finished what he was doing, while I was slowly dying. I guess it's my fault for relying on him so much, but I guess I wasn't ready to live with him because I don't know myself well enough to not fall into someone else. I don't want to end our relationship but I want him to respect me.
Should I have him read this entry?

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Not so great expectations
08-21-06 | 07:52

I don't feel like adding an entry.
I don't wish to discuss what happened to me on Saturday, but I will say that last night PB told me that he doesn't want anything expected of him, and when he does do something I should be pleasantly surprised and not expectant. So I should not expect him to drop what he id doing and come over to offer comfort to his girlfriend who feels like something terrible just happened to her, I should be happy that he thought of me when he offered me to come over and watch him paint. How many of you ladies out there like to move from your sofa when you think someone violated you?
He gave me his set of keys to my apartment last night. I was sitting on the sofa in my towel, having just come out of the shower, and he was standing by the door enjoying his epiphany of no expectations and he started removing the keys from his key chain asking me 'Do you want these back?" to which I replied "Do you want to give them back to me?" he said no but still continued to remove them and put them on the table. Then he left.
I couldn't sleep, I kept tossing and turning, feeling so all alone and the worst part is that I turn to PB when I feel like this but he wants nothing to do with it anymore. Around 11:30 pm I decided I didn't want to casually date him and I phoned him, woke him up (because why would he be tossing and turning?) and told him that. He said "You're breaking up with me over the phone?" Did you expect something different?
How can he not wish for me to expect anything of him? My lord, I even have expectations from my dry cleaning service let alone my boyfriend of three years with whom we've shared major surgery, breaking up of family, depression, loss of job, loss of life, and living together. How can one not expect something out of a person when you've shared so much together?
I think he wants me to be less 'into' him, how the fuck could he expect to go back to casually dating me after all this time? Does he not respect me?
I wish he'd grow some balls and get his fucking act together.

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