As promised, a better one tomorrow
Just getting worse
10-04-06 | 20:38
Daily update, daily update... Watching ATNM with PB, he is so good to watch the show with me. Saw my therapist today, and seeing her again on Friday in light of my family 'drama'. It was my suggestion. Talking to my brother this evening hopefully some things will be worked out.
So I can't really write because of PB.
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10-03-06 | 18:28
I am going to attempt to update daily, while these daily updates may not be in the least bit interesting, or coherent, hopefully the daily update will unclog me emotionally, so to speak.
My longing form the B Boy on Friday? Gone. I should have fucking known. While he can give the best head of my life thus far, he is a nut-job, and I better not forget that. I don't need to be chasing after some made up memory of what I would like this season to bring. And things with PB have quieted down, and gotten better - for the time being.
Alas, other things have fallen to shit in the midst of things improving with PB. My cousin is angry with me due to a miscommunication on Friday night and she is not letting go and her stupidity and refusal to understand anything outside of herself is starting to cloud my friendship with her, where in the past I would look past her disability to grasp certain ideas and complete hatred of books (she doesn't read - I really mean it, she does not read books) lest it color our time together, but in the wake of her mood it is starting to interfere with how I feel about her.
And things are dumb with my family too. My brother, Godson and sister in law live in Illinois, I planned to go out there in mid November to visit, and then stay in the city for Thanksgiving, but Rich made no time for me at all, completely dismissing my visit. Regardless of the visit Idid not want to go out there for Thanksgiving as I despise sister in law's family and want nothing to do with them. When my Father heard wind of my brother being a jerk and not making time for me he decided that he and my Mother would also stay in the city for Thanksgiving. Of course this caused my brother to be hurt, and upset, feeling like he was being punished, and in turn making him forever angry with me for keeping Mom & Dad away from him and the baby for the holiday. This is what I feared. Then my Dad suggested we all visit on the Friday after Thanksgiving, but since her family will still be there, the only difference would be the fact that we were NOT there for Thanksgiving, and I would still be dragged into going to Illinois and my brother would still be mad because we missed Thanksgiving. It would be lovely if my parents just went out there for Thanksgiving, and I stayed home - as I originally wished - so Rich would be happy (he has some of his family with him on the Holiday), I would be happy (I am where I wanted to be for Thanksgiving) and my folks are happy (there are with some of their family and they get to visit their chubby cheeked grandson!) - and what is even better about this ideal scenario is that come Christmas we (we being my folks and I) have an excuse to stay in Two - "Oh, we were there for Thanksgiving, so now it is your turn". My brother wouldn't be angry with me for foiling his Thanksgiving family plans, I wouldn't be dragged into doing something against my will and my parents will see their poopy Grandson!
Anyway I am ditching Pilates because I feel like a cow and cannot clench my stomach, and meeting PB for a drink over at Blue Ribbon, I've not been sleeping well and have been looking so terrible lately it is not even funny - oily hair regardless of when it is washed, dark under-eye circles, puffy face, constant headaches, I am constipated, and no longer fit into my clothes.
Gah, I think the last time I felt and looked good was three (or two) Fridays ago when a friend stood me up and then I cried and fought with PB and ordered Chinese food and watched the upside down ship movie on the demand channels.
God, when will I not want to die?
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09-29-06 | 20:43
I'm crying, nevermind that Friday night plans have fallen through yet again, I am crying because I am so fucking confused. Seeing him opened up the fucking floodgates or something, I can't comprehend it yet, but all I know right now is that I can't get him out of my mind, and that I want to touch him and kiss him all over, and I don't even know if it is real, because maybe it is just my need for a fulfilling relationship being dumped on to an ex whom I've had the best sex of my life with and whom I haven't seen in years, I've never been able to read him, so I have no idea how things are being digested on his end. It was just lunch, just a walk in the park, just a kiss in the forehead and some emotion when we both admitted how unhappy we were with life and ourselves. I want him inside of me, I want his attention, I want oh jesus I want to smile and have a good time, I want to cry in his arms. I want him to not be able to fix it and I want us both to know that and to be scared together. I want him to feel exactly what I am feeling about him.
I want a good night of sleep, and I want to feel pretty again, because it has been such a long time. I want to feel desirable outside of PB who loves me an awful lot in his own way. I know ultimately that it is not B that I want, it is a fulfilling relationship, as I just mentioned, it is a relationship where I feel special, but oh God, I just want him to call me, I want to be wanted so much so that I think it is killing me. Because I don't think I have ever felt this type of pain before. Friday night, my favorite season has arrived and I am in my nightgown drinking wine and I can't bring myself to call him, he doesn't - I am not his responsibility to bear. I have no right to call him crying, telling him how, well, how I feel. I called PB, hoping he would read something in my voice, but I feel that I have used all my 'crying I need your help' free cards. This was just building up, for months. From when PB and I used to live together and when he would go out at night and I would dig through my old love letters from both B's. One is married, and one kissed my on the forehead on Grove street Wednesday afternoon. I would read the old letters and feel special. What the fuck? Where did I go? I can't even blame this on PMs as I already have my period. Man, I need to get fucked. I know that is crass, but it is true. I almost wish I didn't see him, it was a whim, I texted him, hopelessly as he never
responds to me on Saturday afternoon and he responded! Saying how we ought to meet, and then Wednesday afternoon it happened. We're both unhappy in the same way. God I pathetically texted him earlier this evening, and he never responded, I texted 'hey there' so I could pretend that it was mistake, meant for someone else if he responded, because as soon as I hit sent I wish I didn't send it. Man, I am so pathetic. What should I do? I want to call him so much, but have no right to, and I am running out of steam, and PB is going to a fashion show and I just want someone to come over and drink with me. Maybe it is OK for him to see me like this. Maybe I should be honest with him, but I would do so only if he felt the same way.
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