11-28-06 | 15:26

The dog peed in my bed. Is no place holy? I thought she knew better, any place but the bed, and is it not a sure sign of my depression that I only noticed this now, on a Tuesday afternoon after reading in bed for a couple of hours and snoozing off for an hour? Gods only know when she peed. And there is a fucking sad dog crying somewhere outside and even with all the windows close I can still hear it, it sounds like the cries of my dog. What the fuck am I going to do about my bed, about the silk filled duvet, and duvet cover? Crap. She will forever smell that spot unless I get a new one.
Why havenít I been writing? I used to really enjoy it, to relish it, perhaps one of the things I liked best about it was knowing I had a group of people to read my words, and now writing just makes me remember that time, and nothing I can do to get back to that time, even though I was not happy then either. I recount episodes from my past and compare them to the present and the present doesnít seem to match up even though the memories all painful and lonely. I recall doing dope in the hospital bathroom with my sick Grandmother and family two doors down from me on Christmas Eve 2002. I recall being lonely in my dorm when I first moved to college; I recall New Years 2001 Alkaline Trio and the staircase. But do I recall anytime bittersweet or otherwise in these past two years? I think not, and why the fuck is that? And as much as I love this apartment there is something I hate about it, because with it and its expensive furniture and glass tiles comes this responsibility that I just do not want, however, I am terrified to be the girl that hopelessly clings to her past and tries to relive it. I went to a small gathering held by an acquaintance Ė almost a friend- of mine on Friday. It was filled with almost friends who Iíve been going to parties with for years, the parties have dwindled down, or maybe I just havenít been invited to them, anyway Ė everyone there was doing something new, grad school, teaching, law school, working with sick people, and I am here have not gotten any closer to finishing school, hell I donít hold a degree, and I am still working for Mommy, and what fucking kills me is that my plight (if one could call it that) is not even original.
Maybe PB is right, maybe I should just go away somewhere, but sadly I am in no position to do so.
And so thins entry ends, because Iíve been disturbed by my blackberry and now lost track of my heart and can hear nothing but the sad dog barking still, after at least thirty minutes.
My heart doesnít even hurt, that would be at the very least almost romantic, it just feels like a lump and I feel like Iíve lost focus of everything.

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So Pathetic
10-15-06 | 13:15

Please scroll down to see my previous entry. It is about the soon-to-be-named-Plum.
Anyway, I ought to be training, but I'm not. Instead I walked to Blue Ribbon and carried away a tuna salad sandwich, which I was craving since yesterday. I feel bad about myself, not because of the sandwich, but just in general.
On Tuesday night I hung out with the twins K & D, and D's annoying friend Nick, those of you who've been reading my words for a while hopefully remember my long time (six year) flirtation with D and the one nighter we once shared. He is younger than me and apparently always liked me, one dejected night, after a fifties themed party thrown by our mutual friend and my best friend R, I took D home. The sex was blah at best, what is it with the bland sex that sleeping with platonic friends with whom you have a running flirtation? Anyway, shortly after that he enrolled in the army, got married (!) and I became closer with PB, we saw each other with growing infrequency, while I remained close with his twin sister, K. That being explained, Tuesday night kept getting longer until Nick went home, K went home and it was just D and me. We grabbed a beer at some bar and talked about family, then he dropped me off at my apartment. I get out of the passenger side and open the first door of the building, walking towards the second door I hear my name being called. It is D, he got out of his car and is at the door. With the engine still running he asks me "You and me . . . do you think, - - we could ever be together? I mean . . " I look at him incredulously - "D, you're MARRIED!" to which he replies "yeah, I know, but sometimes - - . . . . I think about you." Then he kissed me, closed mouth on the lips. I didn't kiss back but I didn't immediately pull away. I finally answered - "Well I can't say no, but only because you're not really asking me anything." He did the whole COOL "score" things that boys sometimes do, it struck me as very endearing that he did that in response to my non-answer. Then, with as huge smile on his face he repeated what I said - "she can't say noooo, OK, I'll take that" he kind of jumps off the step and runs to his car. I went upstairs and fell asleep.
During the night I realized that D thought more about me than I ever imagined. One point during the night D, K and I were reminiscing their past birthday bashes and D remembered one party when I came with this guy and he mentioned how upset he was that I was with someone. At a later point of the night standing outside a restaurant keeping him company whilst he smoked a cigarette and Nick and K were inside, I asked him what I was like when I was younger. With great kindness he told me that every time he asked me out (he did a lot of that in '00, '01 and '02) I would roll my eyes and say that he is too young (two and a half year age difference), he and all his friends were too young. And he told me that he used to ask our mutual friend R about me and she would say that I said he was too young.
Don't get me wrong, I am really not thinking of him in any way other than being friends, it was more about me feeling good about receiving attention, however, I was quite shocked that he still had feeling about me, I mean, and I honestly mean - why? I constantly feel so low, and chubby, and just gross that I am in shock when anyone can get past that vibe and find me attractive. I think that is why I am sad. And I am cold, the heat has yet to be turned on, and I need to go to the drugstore and get some cleaning supplies and clean my closet floor, but I feel stuck. It is impossibly hard to move from the sofa and to stop snacking on sesame sticks.
I am sad. I am sad about my cousin, I am sad about my father and my godson, I am sad about my future. I am just sad.

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10-15-06 | 10:11

I am getting a puppy!

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