I wish I was betterdifferentbetterdifferent
02-18-07 | 10:26

I don't know what time I'm in, or what the theme of my life is right now. Sometimes I force my feelings to stay shallow, to stay away from anything deeper than daily plans for fear of... I don't know what, for fear I guess. I so consistently urn for my past and I wasn't even having such a fun time then, so why would I want to go back? I'm scared that 'this' isn't going to get any better.
PB and I used to have such fun a time why has that changed? Did it change while we were living together? Did that change when I got Lettuce? And what of my fairly consistent daydreams of TD or DB? Why don't I go on walks anymore? And when did I start hating myself so much? For instance the other day while showering I realized that it was February fifteenth and that on the same date all those years ago He first came to New York to visit me, and I started to think about the dress I wore when I greeted Him - and oh goodness, that outfit required so much planning, I had half the dorm going through my closet helping me pick out the best thing to wear to knock his socks off - and as I was washing my hair I realized that I would never wear that dress now, my thighs would bulge out and my arms would look so tremendously fat and my ass would stick out, so was I thinner then? Or did I just not see what I see now? And if it is that later I cringe at the embarrassment I must have caused myself as I walked down the street. How could have anyone ever wanted me? How could anyone ever want me now? And if I was thinner then why am I so fat now? And why can't I lose any weight, or look better?
And I think of 2003, and living in my studio apartment, that cold, cold Spring, and how broken-hearted I was because of PB.
And the saddest thing of all is that in the back of my mind I feel that as long as someone loves me more than life itself and loves me always I won't have made the wrong choice or thrown life away. I think that is why His marriage still stings me.
My fantasies, because that is what they are of TD and DB are very different from one another. TD is about sex, sex, all the time and DB is about - as much as I hate to admit it and as shameless as it is - my dreams about DB involve him asking me to marry him and having the fancy wedding that I never thought I wanted. I am thinking - from where the fuck did that come?
Iíve got grapefruit to eat and a dog to feed and pay attention to and then I have training but not before I do some very mild cardio for twenty minutes so I really shouldnít be bringing myself down writing these words.
I miss smoking and drinking and dope sometimes. In that exact order.
I wish I was pretty and I wish I wasnít covered in scars and I wish I had more dignity than to post my pathetic pity party of the web for all to see.

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What a World
12-30-06 | 10:49

Saturday morning. I am home, with E doing my nails, as per usual with a Saturday morning. Typing with one hand because the other one is busy playing with my Plumkin. She loves pipe cleaners.
So, Iíve been terribly depressed. And lonely, I am not happy with where my life is right now. I feel like I am trapped by my failures and that I am too old to turn anything around, or too comfortable in this routine. I cannot afford to live my cushy life and not work, but I do not have the credentials to acquire a different job. The social connections I do make do not last because I donít receive calls in return.
Iíve stopped Pilates, and training, and started eating terribly again. PBís birthday was last week and I got him a butter cream frosting cake from Cupcake Cafť, which I proceeded to molest, eating just the frosting off the entire cake, bloated for days.
I feel like I will never be what I want to be, and that I will never be enough of a person to merit the feelings I feel.
After my nails are done, I will go and get a juice from LifeThyme, then if I have time walk to Pilates, after that my friend R will meet me and then we will have brunch at Normaís. Perhaps then Iíll say hello to PB, or go back downtown and pick up my antibiotics from Bigelow.
Starting today I am forcing myself to be motivated and to return to my regular schedule. I plan to keep myself busy for a reason, so I wonít fall into this mess that I have fallen in to. No more butter cream for breakfast, no more moping on the sofa while the maid knocks on the door, while the dry cleaning is unanswered, while my therapist waits for my arrival.
This morning is a start, I am writing, Iíve made my bed, brushed my teeth and got dressed! Sad that I consider these accomplishments.
I am listening to the history and the culture of The Wizard of Oz on Studio 360. You know there was a second Oz, where when Dorothy told of her adventures to Antie Em, Antie decided to take her to a doctor as no one believed her and the doctor was going to give her electroshock therapy Ė quoted from the movie ďI think I know just the thing that will make you sleep, this little electro machine.Ē And there is the buzzing behind his voice. How utterly terrifying.
I find myself constantly wishing that things could stay the same. I am sitting in the back of the car whizzing down Seventh Avenue and hoping that the Riv doesnít close, and I donít even like the Riv, Iíve never been there, but I just want it to stay so the neighborhood wonít change. Boxers on West 4th has closed. After eighteen years, and now gone. Second Avenue Deli Ė well that is old history, but it still is a shame. And every time I wish that things could stay the same I am forced to acknowledge that the only thing that anyone can rely on is that things change, everything changes. Can I ever find comfort in that?

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