It won't work
03-16-07 | 22:54
Snow. In March, just a few days to Spring, and there is a snowstorm. Just a few days ago it was seventy degrees outside.
I am waiting for R to ring me. We are going to Luke & Le0ry's, some sort of eighties night. I am sad. sand and slightly drunk off of cheap wine that PB brought over ages ago. Last weekend escaped me when I took a football of xanax. From my father. I want TD, I was B, I want someone to want me. I want something.
I am glad that we are going locally, because I don't want to bring a handbag. I lost my passport on Tuesday.
Fuck I cannot continue this, I wonder why I am not even scraping this paltry entry. Prehaps I will remember my null and void of feeling.
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03-02-07 | 17:29
The weather is teasing. Reminding me of Spring, and the freedom and misery of the nice warm weather. The casual loveliness of an early evening drink at a sidewalk cafe, and the knowledge of being home on a Friday night and hearing everyone else's good time through the open window.
I keep reminding myself that within a year (ten months and counting) my life will be one hundred percent better. I will no longer be trapped in this horrible job, just ten more months. Yet sometimes I cannot bear it and get impatient. This week that I took as 'ill' is a clear sign on my impatience. It is easier when I am there and not out, so why do I do it to myself? I was out one day last week and the emails just kept coming in and the workload getting heavier and heavier, I just couldn't take it anymore and became overcome with exhaustion. Now I am home on a Friday evening just out of a hot, bubble filled bath and about to slip into a nightgown and have a glass of wine. I just feel so chained, and lonely.
I am not at all ready to go out, maybe in a month I will be - maybe. But not at all yet. Which is why I'll probably drink myself into a stupor and watch Law & Order until it is time for bed as opposed to having a glass of wine and then meeting someone for dinner and then going out for drinks and getting myself into all sorts of trouble.
I don't want to see my cousin on Tuesday, her jealousy is palatable and her judgement is bothering me.
No word from anyone, I am sad to report.
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