What I ought to do
An Evenng Stroll
05-17-07 | 00:19
I want to say:
"I can't see you anymore like this PB. Every time we see each other I fall in love with you all over again and I know the feeling isn't reciprocated. And pretty soon, if you haven't already you're going to meet a girl that you enjoy and start to spend more and more time with her and as a result spend less and less time with me and I'll know why and I'll be heartbroken by you all over again. And as long as we're spending time like this together you're not completely alone - you have me at a safe distance whenever you want me so you never feel lonely for too long, and so you never completely heal or let me heal. I cannot focus and move on from you and meet new people when we are half seeing each other."
As much as it hurts me to utter those words, to even think of them it hurts me more to spend time like this with him. I so look forward to Friday, I didn't even know we had plans and even though we are going out Friday I want to be with him on Saturday too. and in the text I sent him - Want to get together Saturday evening - or something like that, and he responded with "I thought we had plans for Friday" I feel like I got shot down for Saturday and he has a date or something and he cannot see me then. I feel like he only sees me on his terms and that he is just stringing me along. The words 'I love you' just fall outta my mouth when I spend time with him. The smell of his skin, the feel of his flesh and I am a goner. I want to shout out - who the fuck is he to string me along like this?
On saturday night drinking my drug laden juice he told me that he feels that he is not giving me what I want, this is during a discussion of our 'new' relationship or lack thereof, and I wanted to shout out "Yes you daft fucker, I want you to want me. I want you to want me back and to love me and to not want other people."
He was not just my boyfriend. For four years her was the biggest influence of my life. He was my best friend, my comfort, my lover and my strength. Now he is my ex boyfriend who enjoys his time more with other people. What happened to the meaning behind the words "I want to be with you forever" or "I want to spend all my time with you" ack, they were too romantic and whimsical to be true.
I'm glad I got out of bed to write this entry. I am so anxious about this, I am anxious about work and this I can barely sleep. Perhaps this will help.
0 comments so far
05-15-07 | 23:10
Oh dear, I feel like I burned my face off with makeup. I had a facial on Saturday and I guess I am still blotchy from it. I had itchy eye allergies all day. So glad to be home, sans makeup, showered and moisturized. I am also glad that tomorrow afternoon I will be receiving my air conditioners! I will no longer have to listen to the drunken banter outside and will only hear the gentle hum of the air conditioner as it pumps in fresh cold throughout my apartment. Such joy. And the maid is coming tomorrow, so everything is good, or will be soon.
I had a pleasant walk with my friend Kit this evening. We walked around with Bubble and eventually sat on the stoop next to Rubyfruit on Hudson and I told her all about PB and how I am scared to know myself and scared that I'll let him hurt me all over again. It was good to talk. Everyone stopped and looked at Bubble. She gets attention even from people walking their dogs!
OK, my nails have dried a bit and I am getting itchy and I still have to brush my teeth and make the bed for sleeping so I shall go. So nice to have time - or to make time to write even a little bit. Let us see what happens come Friday and Saturday night, I am thisclose
to calling PB and asking him to be with me on Saturday night. I am getting my hair done, and I do hate to go home and do nothing with a fresh new cut and color.
I am doing it again - Every time I am lonely I reach out for PB.
We both need to be lonely. That is part of the process, and the desire to quell it is just selfish and has nothing to do with the other person, right? Well in his case, yes. In mine? I miss him too.
0 comments so far
The little things make it better
05-14-07 | 12:45
Bubble got sick this morning. My poor puppy. I guess it is good that I am staying home with her. She has this terrible habit of crying whenever I leave the apartment. I can hear her from the street and she doesn't stop crying when my footsteps are out of earshot and I have a feeling that she spends most of her alone time whimpering by the door. When I leave for work in the morning she will not cry, perhaps because it is routine. I don't know why she cries, She must know at this point that I will never leave her alone long and that I will always return. She must trust me.
I am saying it again because I want to - I must make an effort to write here more often, it will help solidify my identity with myself. Writing here was something I did long before PB and something I must continue to do long after him.
I just ordered a falafel sandwich from Moustache. A female is working there now. I liked the place when it was authentic and only Middle Eastern men worked there, it felt smaller and more original. Now it seems they will just hire anyone, and when the men did work there and I called for delivery I was always treated nicely and because of my apartments proximity to the restaurant they delivered things to me under their so called delivery range, now that the bitchy American hag is working there she suggested that I come and pick up the order. I said to her "Just charge me the ten bloody dollars and send the food to me." I'll make a note to not order from there again. Moustache has lost its appeal as an authentic Middle Eastern restaurant with the blonde ponytailed waitress from Ohio or some other equally miserable place.
I lifted some weights, a paltry excuse for exercise but at least I have my Pilates trainer coming over tonight. I was going to just do some breathing exercise and stretches with her but since I am staying home convalescing and eating fried chickpeas I might as well flex my stomach a little bit.
Watching a bunch of pre-recorded episodes of Ab-Fab, perhaps I will walk the Bubble later.
0 comments so far
05-14-07 | 08:02
I’ve been ill. I caught a terrible head cold sinus infection disease and have had a fever for two days. It peaked on Saturday. I miss PB so much it hurts. I saw him on Saturday when he came over and brought soup and juice and water from Whole Fo0ds. He also brought a vicodin that he lovingly crushed up and mixed in a glass of juice for me and stayed until I was relaxed. Of course we had sex.
I want him around me, I want to taste him and smell him and fell his tongue in my mouth and feel him inside of me and I want to wake up with him in the morning and have brunch with him and I want to cuddle and watch movies and get tremendously drunk and go on long walks to nowhere particular with him. Why do I want this when a month ago I could barely stand the sight of him?
Who am I without PB? We’ve had each other for four years. I haven’t been sick alone in four years. No wonder why I called him in tears, partly because of the physical pain of the fever and partly because of the emotional pain of being alone without him in my life.
When I met him and when we got close I had a terrific drug addiction. I did not know who I was. I was insanely neurotic and obsessive compulsive about my space and I cleaned constantly. When I wasn’t cleaning I was on dope and hanging out with friends or fucking. I did the dope and fell into it because I did not like myself sober. When I went out I was such a bore and got tired so easily but as soon as I had a hit I was Ms. Social with a gleam in her eye and I had massive sex appeal. I felt it made me interesting even though no one knew. I also did dope to feel numb. To not feel the pain of being myself because I didn’t very much like myself and I still do not.
I met PB, things became serious and I told him about the dope, I stopped and four years later I am alone again. I did not know myself before PB and I most certainty do not know myself now. I question how I functioned for four years. I do not want to know myself. I do not like myself. I am a compulsive liar and overeater; I live one hundred percent off my mother’s money and I do not see an end in sight. The only person I’ve ever been remotely honest to was PB and now we have parted.
On Saturday he said, “I care for you an enormous amount.” He might well have said – I do not love you – When I asked him if this is difficult for him (this meaning the breakup) he said sometimes he gets lonely because he is used to always being in a relationship with someone. WELL that has absolutely
nothing to do with me. So he doesn’t miss me. And I know he doesn’t. He has a new great job that pays him more than any other job; he can finally pay off his debts and still live the way he wishes. He has a whole new circle of friends and goes out to parties and drinks and does some drugs and laughs and I am here. Same old Echo. It is I who always calls him and asks him things. Fuck this entry is making me sick.
Bottom line is – I am pathetic and I don’t know who I am because I never knew who I was and now that I am alone I must face myself and the only thing I do know is that I don’t like myself very much
0 comments so far
Where is Spring?
04-18-07 | 13:20
I need a new layout. The quote is still applicable, but the layout is old.
Vla, can you please send me your password again?
I finally deleted PB's account from my computer. It felt freeing. I have therapy this afternoon. The question is whether I'll have a phone session or actually drag my ass and go there. It is my friend Jed's birthday and she is having a get together at an Asian restaurant later this evening and I am still unsure of going to. Don't get me wrong, I’d like to attend, but do I feel pretty enough to attend? Or do I despise myself too much?
Last night was pretty awful. Of course the work day is total shit and I had Pilates after, which is, these days, my piece of mind and my mother was late in leaving work as she got caught on a pone call and unfortunately that totally ruined my day because I did not get home in time to change and go to Pilates. And in reality and not my limited mind I had plenty of time to get there, even if I was a few minutes late, but because one piece of my carefully planned day went to shit - the entire day was ruined. And you wanna know the most fitting part!? On the way home - in my own taxi - I started thinking about what I would eat because the day was ruined, might as well totally drive it into the ground, and I wasn't even hungry.
So what did I do? I went home and moped, then ordered noodles and watched stupid television that I wasn’t even interested in and ignored my Plum and did not give her the play that she needs. Then I went to bed with a full stomach and had terrible nightmares. I always
have scary nightmares when I eat Chinese food before bed.
Today is slightly better. I’ve adopted the Scarlet O’Hara philosophy – ‘Tomorrow if another day!’ sadly I haven’t adopted her eighteen inch waist. What a good movie, Gone With The Wind.
I went to Pilates, even though my usual trainer was absent (ill) and I had an incomprehensible ninety-pound Italian woman teaching me, but at least I went!
My maid hasn’t arrived, and she usually is here at this time. I wonder if she too is ill.
Plum is getting groomed today; the groomer is due at two o’clock.
Going to sign out now, I would normally not be happy with this entry, but for the sake of getting back in the habit of writing and being single and doing the things I used to do so many years ago – sans the heroin (sadly) – I’ll post this.
0 comments so far
04-08-07 | 00:40
R and I had mushrooms today. What I love about them is that the effect is only six or seven hours and no icky speed like in a tab of acid. When the effect goes away - it just goes away. Well, I haven't done that in years, about three years at least.
What I wanted to write is this: PB was the only person who ever took away my lonely feelings. The only person in the world that I had a throughly fun time with through and through. And now we are not together.
And that makes me sad. I hope he does read this, then he will know how I feel. If you do happen to come across these simple words, please give me a sign.
0 comments so far
Numb at last? Or just pissed off?
04-05-07 | 19:41
PB and I broke up yesterday evening. It has been so long since I last wrote in here, since I last desired to write in here. I don't know what to write about what happened yesterday. I'm going to see him again of course - he is still coming with me to D.C. for my nephew's first year birthday, we are going to spend a weekend together in a hotel. I guess I could admit that I feel free(r)? But also numb and down. all these things that happened to me today I wanted to call and tell him, and even though we still maintain the best friend relationship it isn't wise for me to call him the next bloody day. So I have all these things I want to share so I am writing them down.
I haven't been single in four years. FOUR YEARS. We both admitted that it was just a shell of a relationship and it was the right thing for both of us to not be together right now. I was crying because I love him so much and I do not want to lose him but he assured me that we will still be in each other's lives. We are each other's best friend, where would we be without each other? But I've never thought of PB in any other light other that my boyfriend. I've never been grown-up and single.
He'll probably fuck someone first. That will totally suck - for me I mean.
I know he knows of this diary. I wonder if he has been through it because one of the many spot on things he said to me last night included that fact that he knew I was feeling nostalgic for old relationships, or relationships that never were. Now he knows I pine after everything that has passed but it is just a coincidence that I mentioned it here as well?
Another chimney collapsed in the row of houses across the street from me. And almost exactly a year to the day from the last collapse. What is with these afternoon collapses? Like why? Because you know the work must be done immediately to shore everything up (the fireman I asked used that term - 'shore everything up' I haven't a clue what it means - possibly close the building? Who knows) and that will last until way into the night. Last year when this happened it was a friday night and the building was right outside my bedroom window and PB and I were living together and he fell asleep and I just couldn't - there were jackhammers and scaffolding being put up well past midnight - and I finally could not take it anymore and took PB and we checked into the Soho Grand. Now I have Plum and it is a school night so gods I hope I sleep well. I'm thinking that it is one building further away from my bedroom window so it will be just that much
So, back to being single. Oh boy. Oh, this is funny - so as soon as we decided to break up - as soon as we decided it was best for both of us I started finding PB immensely attractive and wanted to have sex with him. What the fuck is up with that? Furthermore, all my ex-boyfriend and almost relationship wishes disappeared! Like, that is fucking odd.
The bloody building site is on the next block, I do not understand why the fire-trucks have to be in front of my building, below my window. I swear, my next apartment? The apartment that I own? It will be a doorman building with a courtyard facing bedroom. This is fucking ridiculous.
OK I think I am going to ring PB.
0 comments so far
05-05-12 - Smooches!
11-09-11 - On a lighter note...
10-01-11 - You, you, you, you, you
09-29-11 - Candy Apples
01-09-11 - Echo fell in love with Narcissus