Pointless
06-13-07 | 15:47

I love the paper store. After a good Pilates session and after a good therapy session and after getting some juice I went to the letterpress and purchased a father's day card and several birthday cards (because they are always good to have on hand) and a beautiful scroll map of Paris, also an antique wall mounted coat rack from some pub called Hemingways located at No. 28 Chatworth Square in Warwickshire. I also came upon this lovely delicate handmade accordion folder with a ribbon tie that is perfect for organizational purposes. I also ran to my tailor to have the button sewn back on my Chloe shirt . Now I am here, drinking my juice. I plan to do some organization this weekend, I'll tackle the drawers and then spring cleaning will almost be complete.
This is a silly and pointless entry, but at least I am writing.


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Debased
05-22-07 | 21:09

I really want to pop that xanax, or smoke a cigarette. Reading old drug addled entries is not the best idea. I;m just updating so I won't quit.
Tired, cranky, my father is a pop. He actually sent me an email chiding me for forgetting my parents anniversary yesterday. He wrote 'I am disappointed, hurt and angry." it was all I could do not to respond "And not to mention melodramatic." But instead I responded with an apology, he is my father and I am old enough to show him respect and love through his faults, and of all the things we could argue over and have issues with this is the very least and not worth putting up a fight for.
Work still sucks my soul out of my pores even though I've got ten weeks left. I am being treated even poorly because of the fact that I am leaving.
Not in the mood to get into this.
Having an early margarita/mexican dinner with R tomorrow night, ought to be nice.
BIG SIGH
I need to brush Bubble.
I ought to go take a shower and get myself to bed.


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To think, I wansn't in the mood for an update
05-19-07 | 21:29

I was going to update, but now I've gone ahead and wasted my computer energy by poking around online.
I saw PB last night. He took me to the posh gallery where the elevator opens on the street and is operated by well, an elevator operator. A little Chinese man with a stool and a Chinese calendar in the corner. We had some wine and nice conversation and then strolled back to my place and had wine on my fire escape. There was flirty flirty all evening and then while commenting on how I'll never get to sleep because of the noisy construction going on PB told me that he knew how to get me to sleep - anyone, anyone, know where this is going people? - And he managed just fine. I had some of the best sex in AGES last night. We took a shower after and he stayed over. In the morning he got me green juice from Lifethyme and croissants from Tartine. He munched on croissants and sipped coffee, Esther came over and he left.
My toenails are not painted the usual red. Just clear - I wanted something different.
I went to Pilates - gold star for me because it was just so gross outside and I was thisclose to staying home and eating croissants. After Pilates I ate them.
My folks came over and I cooked dinner. My mother drank a bottle of wine and my father spoke of his college days. I texted PB in the middle of it because I was coming down off the high of emotions from last night.
He is going to club opening tonight probably with some chick. I was on the phone with him and his bell rang and he never mentioned who it was. Nor did he mention that he was expecting someone.
I don't know what to do. Everyone in my life keeps telling me "It was your decision to break-up with him." but it wasn't just mine. I had only him and my folks in my life and I think that weighed too heavily on him. It shames me and saddens me because that is what happens when I love someone, isn't it? The person because my entire world. Will I ever be happy with someone? I know that until I know myself a little better the answer is no.
On the phone this evening PB said that the past few times he and I spent together were like the times when we first were dating. I agree, but the issue is that added to that is all the personal and private things and years of dependence and heavy emotions that just cannot go away when we part.
I need someone else in my life. I need to see someone else. I need to screw someone else, at the very least I need to be flirted with by some man whose presence doesn't make me vomit.
Listened to Italian Arias in the bath again. Reading a dreamy sexy book. Going to training tomorrow and then some family event that I may just flake out on but I may just know better.

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Mmm, wine
05-17-07 | 20:12

I have the words that I want to say to PB up on my computer screen at all times. Don't feel like writing tonight. Drinking a fabulous Burgundy - Auxey-Duresses 1st Cru 2004 JEAN ET GILLES LAFOUGE - And feeling rather light headed. I ate two bagels wit butter and six whoppers candies today. I am hungry since I'm on the carb crash - but am going to drink my wine and go to sleep.
I started writing about PB but then I realized that it is a waste of energy.

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