Sunday morning longing
08-26-07 | 10:59
I look at photographs of him, by him and see his mouth and his neck. His mouth, his lips. I want to explore that mouth with my tongue, go over his lips and move on to his neck. I want his hands on my body and I want to smell him. I want my face nuzzled in his neck while he undresses me. I want to lie in bed with him and snooze, I want to rest my head on his shoulder, I want to hear his voice speaking to me, saying soft things.
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some pathetic words
08-25-07 | 09:58
I miss you and it doesn't do me any good, in fact it does me bad. Because you're oh so gone and I'm oh so sad.
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Lady Lights
08-23-07 | 22:09
Snacking on some sprouted cashews, although i really want brazil nuts. Oh well. Getting ready for bed within he hour. I went to get a hair cut and decided that I wanted highlights, so now I have them! I love them, they are really subtle shades of deep caramel mixed in with my dark chocolate colored hair. I call them lady lights because the color is so well, subtle and sophisticated. The only highlights I've had were chunky gold ones, and this new look really softens my face and goes well with my complexion, it adds depth to my face and hair.
That was really all, I went to training - must put cashews away - and took Bubble with me on the long walk to and from the hairstylist. The hair studio was listening to Belle & Sebastlan and at my request turned it off. too many memories, PB loves Belle & Sebastlan. I was completely understood.
Going to MoMa to see the exhibit with R tomorrow afternoon. Yoga in the morning.
I still feel heartbroken and terribly awful but I seem to be too, I don't know, not busy, but maybe not focused, or maybe angry. I am too angry at PB for being such a selfish pig to be wallowing in my pity. And if I get into why I think he was/is a selfish pig I'll start to get emotional. Perhaps it is that as well - a fear of getting emotional and deep because then it will be real.
I have to clean up some, and then get into bed to read.
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Hair Change
08-22-07 | 22:05
I went out this evening and had a swell time even though I did not think I was going to. I hung out with Eda and Litz. Eda I've knownat a distance for a long time and Litz is a friend of both Eda's and Rine's (I've known Rine for a while too and am only slightly closer with her than I am with Eda). I called Eda on Monday and planned a get together and at the last minute she invited Litz, whom I've not liked in the past and I was somewhat freaking out about the entire situation and then when I arrived at the bar I was greeted by warm smiles and friendly conversation from both ladies so I felt just fine. We had drinks at Belmont lounge, we also walked out on the check and got away with it - total rush. Walking out on the check is something I think I've never done before. Petty theft in junior high school and I once stiffed a taxi driver but I never walked out on a bill. Such fun. We then went to some Chinese food restaurant where I proceeded to eat until I was ready to pass out, saut�ed broccoli in brown sauce, vegetable buns and vegetable fried rice. I am so dehydrated now I cannot even stand it.
Litz loves talking about herself and will constantly bring then attention back to herself. She has done this for so long that she is a master at doing it smoothly, and although that is a trait that I would never like in others, it seems to work well with her and I found myself being drawn to to her selfish pull. I almost found it comforting. "Finally" , I thought to myself the pressure to talk is completely off me and I can zone out for a minute or two and no one will be wise to it.
Big sigh
Walked home, listened to Chet Baker on the way. Some songs, like autumn In New York specifically make me long to be in bed with a lover, lazily going over his body with my hand in post coital exhaustion. Other songs seem to be in perfect harmony with the disjointed stop and go, horn honking traffic on Manhattan. I just love Chet Baker.
I had therapy today, a good thing I suppose. I finally cried a little, letting out my feelings about myself and my self loathing.
Second big sigh
Off to tidy up the apartment, shower and watch top chef, which is so much better than the second season.
I am getting a hair cut tomorrow, and I hope my stylist will have time to change my hair color. I'd like some dark caramel highlights mixed in with my brown hair. Something different.
G'nite, G'nite.
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Just a paltry update
08-22-07 | 01:52
Vla, if you are in fact reading, please send me an email letting me know your dl password and how you are doing in general I tried to message you but dl told me that you were no longer accepting messages.
Now on with my scant entry.
I am pretty tired. not very introspective today, not even writing in my paper journal. I have therapy tomorrow, perhaps I'll write more after that. I saw r this evening. I did everything I had to do today and am tired and just want to read in bed. Goodnight
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Wake up call
08-20-07 | 10:16
Deep sleep this morning, woken up by the telephone ringing, buried under all my pillows I picked up on the fourth ring. I groggily picked up, "hullo?" I asked. It was PB, "Did you call last night?" "Yes", I replied. "I misdialed and my fingers dialed your number, when I realized I hung up." "I called because I didn't want to be antisocial" he said. "Is that what that's called?" I retorted. He chuckled and asked how I was, I said fine, then I said "You *
know* how I am." He made a comment regarding the gray weather and I said "To tell you the truth if i saw the caller id I would not have picked up the phone." I think he understood and started making his goodbyes and I softly said goodbye and hung up quickly. I cuddled with bubble for a few minutes more then woke up and forced myself to write this.
Possibly going mattress shopping today.
Feel like absolute shit.
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Alone Again, Naturally
08-19-07 | 20:46
Trying, not to hold on to me when I was younger, but to a time before PB. Be it writing online again, or writing in a paper journal. Just doing something outside of him, and to be honest I don't really feel safe writing here for fear of him reading these words, or perhaps my fear is based on my desire that he will read these dumb words. I mistakenly phoned him this evening when I meant to dial R. I heard him say 'hullo' and realizing what I had done, hung up the phone right away. He probably thinks it was me calling to hear his voice, or wanting to talk to him and changing my mind at the last minute. Whatever he must of thought he has made no effort in contacting me.
Burning candles. Perhaps the
most heartbreaking thing to come out of this wretched situation is the fact that I've isolated myself for so long, living just with and for him, and now I've no friends, or what friends I do have I have a tenuous grip with.
In actuality I am terrified. And this is why I don't want to write, because it will all come through. My feelings of worthlessness, my addictions, my self-loathing, but it is even more real now than it was when I was twenty-one. More real because I had five years in which to do something with it and I totally completely fucked it up. I feel that I will never meet a new person and that the connections I attempt to make are half-hearted and desperate and whiny and pathetic and no one would want to hang out with me anyway. I feel that I lost my chance to be included - something I always wanted and never have gotten - and that I finally had real love and didn't even realize it. Worst of all, besides the secret longing that PB will read these meager words is that underneath everything, wipe away the relationship I am miserable. I was miserable before PB and that is just what I am, a miserable witch.
Sitting on the floor crying in front of PB Friday night I finally realized and said to him, between tearful gasps "I have been trying to think back to the time before you, to regain some part of myself to hold on to and I remembered that when I met you, and before then I was completely depressed, a depressed, hopeless dope user. And it scares me that that I what I have as my base." and fuck if this is not the truth.
Sometimes I want to die. If not for my utter self-loathing, then for my absolute selfishness and disregard for those that do love me and that will miss me, but sometimes it is just so hard and I just wish not to do it anymore.
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