You Owe Me
10-03-07 | Afternoon
Third day of juice fast, post therapy, reading an old favorite DL diary and amidst reading about the desire and inability to be creative it dawned on me - I feel that people owe me something. Not society as a whole but the people I interact with on a daily level, my maid, the juice guy, the random taxi driver, even - and I am loathe to admit it - even my friends. I now know why I got my panties in such a twist yesterday with the garbage groomer, not simply because she acted unprofessional and rude (which she did) but because I feel that she is beneath me.
"Who is she to quit me?" I shouted to myself.
I fed into her negativity and persisted and requested she contact me properly not only because I was appalled by her immature actions but because I was aghast that this was happening to me.
I feel and act this way to regain a sense of control. I lack control and self-esteem and I treat people this way because it is validating. It is also an act of defense.
This is such a sick realization and I am mildly surprised that I am able to admit and acknowledge this is something I must work on.
I'm ending this entry here and will process these thoughts some more.
Clarity through fasting, I never knew.
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10-02-07 | 16:15
Sweetie puppy Bubble in my lap falling asleep. Going to journal class this evening even though I haven't done any work. I simply enjoy the class. Tomorrow I must do some reading for my social class.
Saw PB last night. I wonder if he reads these words or just reads my mind? The subject of 'is this right', 'is this meant to be' came up and I was pleasantly surprised by his answer.
I am happy to see K tonight, and was so happy to be there at her gathering yesterday. Everything was so effortless wonderful and I managed to avoid eating amidst fresh baked lasagna, homemade garlic bread, homemade guacamole, chips, and olives and cheese and sesame crackers. But the real enjoyment came with seeing friends and having a swell time. K is such a terrific host it is hard to have a bad time at her fêtes. After that I went and met PB at Decibel for some sake and we walked home together, he stayed over and gave me a terrific orgasm this morning.
Awful thing that happened to me today - my horrid garbage person of a dog groomer quit me today out of the blue. I was referred to her by my mother's car driver. This woman comes to you
to groom your dog and she is either consistently late or just plain forgets to come. But I paid her and made my next session with her and tipped her graciously all the same because I assume that all people I deal with are as professional as me. I found out how wrong I was via text message this morning she texted a whole bunch of bullshit about how she cares about the dogs above all and doesn't want to subject my Bubble to the tension that exists between us so she will no longer groom my dog. She did not have the courtesy to call me and tell me this over the phone, she did not tell me this when she last groomed my dog and she did not refer me to another groomer. When I texted her back requesting her to call me to discuss this she responded with a passive aggressive "sorry a design has been made". Much to my chagrin I just could not let this go (cursed pride) and texted again, again requesting her to call me. An hour later I receive a call from an unknown number from Denise, the Queen of Long Island (Noo Yawk) spewing out cheap lies about how she has Smiley's (the dog groomers bullshit name) phone because she has been called to groom dogs in Europe - apparently a client flew her to Europe to groom a bunch of dogs - OK I'll digress a bit here to ponder why she felt is necessary to lie to me about that or even such a serious lie? Why not say "I am calling on her behalf and I would like you to no longer call Smiley"? I know why, because as mentioned above I have this notion that all people I deal with will be as professional as I. Now the situation is finished and I look like the fool. This was a lesson for me to realize that I must have zero tolerance whatsoever for people that cannot deal with me on a professional level and people who cannot meet my standards. I will take this minor, insignificant in the long run episode and make it my business not to deal with garbage people.
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This is where I am
10-01-07 | 16:13
Much has happened in twenty-five days and I have to take time out to think for myself and ponder the nagging question 'Am I with PB partially because it is what I know and I am comfortable with?' or put it romantically 'Are we meant to be together?', and is being with him for those reasons so bad? Am I selling myself short? The mere fact that these question pop up in my head must be evidence that they are true, or am I just too discerning?
Even though it hurt and I wanted to die without him in my life in this romantic way, was it right to be alone? Are we just meant to be together? PB would frown upon that - he doesn't think in fatalistic ways like I do. I don't know what is right for me.
My classes are going somewhat well. I haven't yet done any writing for my journal class, but I will and my social class I missed last Thursday because I had a mini breakdown instead. How lovely.
In the midst of all these lies I cannot bring myself to write. I keep saying, as long as I write every night in my paper journal, but I haven't. I am tired and confused and Autumn is here.
Last night I heard The Sm1ths for the first time in years. reminded me of - what else - 2001,2002. So I simply must face this nostalgia.
Blah this entry is all over the place and not making any sense. What I long for is the carefree innocence and naivety that went along with being twenty-one and twenty-two.
There it is. The naivety that allowed for me to constantly live in the present, allowed me to selfishly hate myself and spoil myself with no guilt. I'm a bit smarter now, and have arrived at a crossroads - I am torn between the lazy, spoiled self-indlugent and the urn to be independent at whatever cost.
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09-06-07 | 09:45
OK, so you're sorry. Thanks for neglecting to mention why and what for. Thanks for leaving me to guess. Thanks for pulling on my heart strings leaving me to wonder why on earth you called twice on Sunday, why you sent me an email and a text message with the request to talk, and why after just four hours of not getting back to you, you found it necessary to wait outside my apartment. Thanks for calling me twice on Monday and text messaging me, thanks for calling me on Tuesday and finally thanks oh so much for phoning me last night and leaving your pathetic excuse for absolvement on my voice mail.
Most importantly - thank you for not returning to my apartment; that proved to me that this frantic phoning was more about you then it was about me, for if you really wanted to see me you would have made yourself unavoidable and explained why you were calling in the first place. Thanks for leaving me awake to wonder why you're getting back in touch with me. Thanks for showing me that it takes you two weeks to think of me again, were you bored on Sunday? Were none of your friends able to come out and play?
Thank you for leaving me to guess why you are sorry. So, I'll bite - it is because I asked to grow old with you and all you could say was "I don't want that" and "not right now"? Or was it because you finally felt guilty about seeing someone else whilst fucking me? Maybe it was because your empty words were getting the better of you, all your 'let's move in together's' and 'I want to do everything with you' started to catch up on your rotted conscience? Maybe you were sorry about calling me limited and selfish when all I wanted was to love and trust you. Or most realistically, perhaps you are sorry for having had a relationship with me at all, it was you who never stopped reminding me that the relationship started on what your selfish limited mind called an ultimatum. Yes the whole "I'm falling in love with you, are you falling in love with me, I must know for my self protection" if such a cruel trick that all us wiley women use.
My heart breaks at the sound of your voice and all I want is you.
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