A Plan For Life
03-15-08 | 15:43
Wow, Diaryland has a new seamless look.
I will still continue to return to this diary. Seven years of this, writing on and off, I've spent many a sunny Saturday afternoon with a cigarette and writing in this diary. Well here is another sunny Saturday afternoon and here I am writing.
I don't have much of a life, which is why I don't write very often. I haven't got many friends anymore since most of them have grown up some and are off living their lives, my relationship with my mother is tense at best and my cousin annoys me to no end with her ignorance. I've got PB, but I don't have myself, and I don't even know what I mean by that statement but one other thing has been with me for seven years besides cigarettes and this diary and that is the longing for something but I don't know what that something is yet.
I'm still at the stage in my life where I can safely say "I want to be this, and I want to do that" but the time for wishing and hoping and scheming is running out and soon I will have to actually do something because I simply cannot end up like my mother and say with a sigh "We were going to do this, or we were going to do that." She says it like she is already dead, and I know if she really wanted to do something she would have already and that is the same issue with me and I am just too scared to face it.
After PB is finished with his work meeting I imagine we two will get a cocktail somewhere.
And then what?
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Bitch, moan
02-08-08 | 12:06
I haven't been to work in two days. I've been home eating popcorn and ice cream and whatever the else my chubby little fingers can grasp and watching The S0pranos on DVD. What is wrong with me? My therapist asks me "What would going to work mean to you?"
Now I know it is in fact my selfishness and fear of life that is keeping me holed up at home. I no longer feel absolutely guilty so I am able to enjoy myself but I've no energy at all, and it is because I am not moving about.
I dread being an office drone, Having to go to pointless websites just to pass the time, sitting under florescent lighting, dry recycled air and one hour lunch breaks. I work for a non profit firm and my position isn't even in the assistance department. I am doing the same garbage as I was previously but only in a shittier environment.
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My Token
01-15-08 | 22:41
Walking up the stairs to my apartment earlier today my next store neighbor told me my landlord purchased the apartment above mine. He wondered aloud if maybe the apartment would e turned into a duplex. I realized hat would explain the recent appraiser visit. Yet another apartment I would eventually be thrown out of. Is nothing sacred? Is no place safe? I am so not going to work tomorrow it - no I am simply pathetic.
Nothing much has changed. I am still a self hating lazy sack of shit, I am still not very socially savvy, I am still with PB - although that is the one good thing in this sentence. We are in a good place together.
I am so tired.
I think tomorrow I�ll make a green shake, read the previous issue of the New Yorker, walk Bubble, and go to Sunnpoint..
Right now I�m off to bed.
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Motherfucker
01-15-08 | 15:43
Well fuck me stupid. I wrote a long entry last night and posted it only to check back this afternoon and see that nothing is there.
Oh motherfucker.
I'll write when the mood strikes again, most likely this evening.
I am pissed.
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