Attack of the Nerds
01-19-09 | 20:55

So, PB has his fellas over for their nerdy games, I am in the bedroom, with Bubble, some coconut water and my laptop. I can hear them all the way in the bedroom and they are soo nerdy it is making me laugh. OMG, they are soo funny! One of his friends looks like every single smart but way too serious guy in any ro-co. He has the wire glasses, the dark hair and the beard, and he even has the hesitant but assured mannerisms and speech pattern. You know, he is the girl the leading lady goes with before she meets or realizes her true love. He is the guy the ladies settle with before they fine The One. Writing that just now I feel kind of bad, he seems like a nice guy, but it is just a stereotype, not a personal analysis. I found this wonderful 2006 Nuits-St-George in the wine shop on 9th, right next to Louis' bar. I've had in the past and been in love with a Nuits-St-George from 2004 I think, and this 2006 is wonderful in a different way, just as light but with more raspberry flavor. I have a glass of that alongside me tonight as well. I'm writing from the comfort of my bed.
School starts tomorrow, I am kind of miffed that I will be in class during the inauguration, but real excited to start school again. I've converted these cute little 1950s exercise books into my school books. They are triple lined, so if I write in two lines I will be fine. I'm most excited to get my syllabus and see what the semester holds in store and to put all important dates on my calendar at home.
There is a yoga studio down the block from me on Avenue B, but classes there are only offered in the mornings with the latest one being at 9:30 am. Every time I ring up the studio I get an answering machine and I never received a response from my inquiry email so I think I will have to go to Jivamunkti. Which I do not mind, and I like the studio, although I wish it was still on Lafayette and not on Broadway and 13th. It is a bit far for me. But I've only two classes this semester for a reason, I plan to (OMG the fellas are doing voices) take the beginners class at 2:30 on Monday, Thursday and, Friday. Maybe Tuesday as well, but I expect a drop in my participation when papers are due and tests exam dates are near.
I am a wee bit hairy, I am in dire need for a waxing, I feel so beautiful after I am groomed. I feel ready to take on anything. PB and I have been watching MST3K in bed for the past couple of nights and it makes me laugh so much my stomach hurts and I am afraid to pee in my pants. I love that, and now some episodes of MST3K are available on iTunes! Talk about manifesting.
G'nite, G'nite.

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Zest
01-18-09 | 20:14

I abhor PMS. I'm on the Yaz birth control, and it does help. Instead of two weeks of horrible mood swings and living on the brink of insanity I have just five days of it and an mostly aware of my uncontrollable mood-swings. I am feeling slightly better about my mother situation, but I still feel deeply terrible about my actions and how they hurt her. Even now, knowing my actions I still have an urge to spend money on frivolity. This is my wake up call telling me that I need to connect deeper within myself and find satisfaction through that. Which I know I can. I need to find the girl that would turn her mood around just by singing My Favorite Things and dancing around my apartment. Now that PB and I are a bit more settled in and starting to develop a rhythm I will have more time on my hands to reflect and appreciate more things about myself and my life.
I want to learn three things this year:

Ride a bike - I never have been able to ride one on account of my lack of balance due to scar tissue in my inner ear from surgery. I have truly terrible balance, I cannot even kiss standing up with my eyes closed as I will start to tip over... This year I shall overcome that balancing problem and ride a bike!

Learn Spanish - as much as I can. I shall enroll in a free class given to NYU students and stimulate a part of my brain that hasn't been stimulated since junior high school!

Start a regular yoga practice. I really enjoy the philosophy and the stretching and attention to breathing, it is an exercise that I can keep pace with and it is communal whilst being deeply personal.

I am also very grateful that I've been taking time aside in my day to write. Even though it is difficult for me it is such a wonderful deeply cathartic thing for me to do. Is deeply the word of the day? I think yes.
So I am not in the mood to list a hundred simple things I love, nor am I in the mood to continue writing. Until next time, my love.

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My old friend
01-16-09 | 16:22

Well hello again old stranger. New year, new MacBook Pro (with the black keyboard), new apartment. Adult life, and a new tattoo to commemorate this new phase. Living with my fella, PB. In a real apartment in the East Village. No more fairy apartments in the magical whimsical West Village. I'm living in an apartment with a kitchen, dining room and living room, two bathrooms, vast hallway and two bedrooms. Like I said - adult life. Because of the situation with my mother I am feeling rather low today. In the time that I've been away from you, sweet diary I've turned twenty-seven, moved in with PB, hosted Christmas, had a bit of a sad new years and now I am here, with Bubble (my sweet pup) by my side.
I'm taking only two classes this semester. The idea behind that was that I would have enough time to take a language course, keep up the apartment, and have some alone time.
It is so hard to change, isn't it? It really takes a lot of strength to change a habit, to change something that has been a comfort to you for years and years and years. Even though I got rid of cable and don't watch television anymore I am a slave to ITunes. I still sleep with my scarf, even though I have a warm blooded man next to me, see I cannot say boy anymore, boy just turned thirty, and to think I knew him when he was a boy.
How to change a habit, replace it with another one. The West is filled with tour groups and New Jersey bums, the East is filled with dog poop and trash. Which is worse?
A car alarm is breaking my concentration. Food issues are still relevant to me, but not nearly so dear as they were in past years. Money issues are still just are dire as have been. I would like to not spend money. I think it would be good for my psyche. Or to have a day where I spend ten dollars at most. even to have a day when I don't go shopping. Why are my thoughts dominated by things I need, or by things I want? I have everything I need, I truly do. Why do I alienate the one person that supports me by spending more money? Spending money doesn't even make me feel good, it makes me feel frozen, frozen with guilt, frozen and trapped. Only time can change, I must remind myself every single day, sometimes more than once a day: I truly have everything I need.
There is such a vast difference between twenty-four and twenty-seven. I am setting out to appreciate and love right now, because in three years I would prefer to be writing about the future instead of reminiscing about the past, and how young I used to be. We all used to be younger than we are. I may sound like a new age guru, but I am simply being positive.

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William, It Was Really Nothing
09-18-08 | 23:52

I�ve spent my recent days going to class, studying for class, writing for class, and thinking of past lives. Now autumn is upon us and I�ve permission to listen to The Smiths again. Ahhh I love the changing of the seasons and I love autumn the absolute most.
Past lives mere years ago. How different things were, how different I was, but for once, oddly � I am not remiss about the past. I believe it is because I am finally doing something with my life. I am taking myself seriously.
I�m tapped out for tonight. The beautiful weather, snug boots and breezy dresses tomorrow will encourage me to write a decent entry.
Love to you all.

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Tomorrow is another day...
09-10-08 | 12:37

So I did not get ANYTING done that I ought to have done today. Wake early, rebound, walk Bubble, make juice do work get my eyebrows threaded. Since I woke two hours late I had to cancel eyebrow threading and schedule for tomorrow. I know it isn�t the worst thing but I have fuzzy eyebrows and I despise being unkempt. My train is a lil� late pulling into the station if you know what I mean and that hardly ever happens to me and i know it is the direct result of eating poorly the past few days. Scarfing movie theater popcorn followed by Mexican food is a good way to become bloated. So as a result I am bloated, backed up, tired and fuzzy.
PB is here, and that may be one of the reasons why I did not get what I wanted to do today done. R and I are going to see a French Noir movie this afternoon and I am worried about the popcorn situation. Maybe I ought to take up smoking. I know, I know, that was just terrible of me but I am needing to do something with my hands other than shovel food into them.
This is such perfect autumn weather we are having today.
At least I took Bubble for a mini walk and made a green shake and I am drinking the last of it, that ought to help my situation. I am so tired my eyes can hardly focus.
I finally got a tutor. His voice sounds like my brother�s, so I am slightly weirded out by that. I am meeting him of Friday. Gee am I glad this thing has spell check. I am so tired and therefore making more spelling mistakes than usual.
Tomorrow will be a better day.

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Me, worry?
09-07-08 | 10:45

I worry. I worry about Bubble and her happiness, I worry abut her health. I worry about carrying stress in my jaw and clenching it too tight and the pain I will feel afterward. I worry about getting all the things on my to-do list done. I worry about the relationship between members of my family and myself. I worry about what I am going to do when my mother dies. I worry about finding private time when PB and I live together, I worry about him waking up on time and I worry about who is going to make the bed and who is going to feed Bubble and who is going to take her for a walk. I worry about getting my school work done on time. I worry about getting a perfect grade from all of my classes. I worry about my allergies, I worry about my weight, I worry about my back from sleeping on my sub-par mattress. I worry about getting enough sleep. I even worry about breathing deeply. I feel as if I don�t have time to worry about things outside my immediate sphere, and I worry about that. I feel that if I just fixed all these things I worry about and don�t let them drown me, everything will be OK, 10-4. I worry about how my voice sounds when I talk to people. I used to believe that if I lost ten pounds everything in my life would be that much closer to falling into place. Why then, does some part of me still hold on to that petty thought? I even worry about going to the bathroom enough so I won�t be gassy and bloated. I worry about my nails and make sure that my signature YSL #3 doesn�t chip in between manicures. Sometimes I feel as if I have no control over anything and I am too lazy to do anything about it. I worry about how clean and spot free my color palette glass coffee table is, and I worry about keeping my apartment fresh smelling with open windows and candles so when I come home it smells perfect. Looking for a candle yesterday I came across an old one that I haven�t burned in years and memories cam flooding back to me. Memories of living off Waverly Street in my studio, before Bubble before twenty-six, before twenty-two even. Autumn is coming, the changing of the seasons always make me nostalgic. I read a great explanation/definition of nostalgia in the current book I�m reading. The book is called Low Life by Luc Sante, it is about nineteenth century Manhattan, I quote it here: �This word can be generally defined as a state of inarticulate contempt for the present and fear of the future, in concert with a yearning for order, constancy, safety, and community - qualities that were last enjoyed in childhood and are retroactivity imagined as gracing the whole of the time before one�s birth.� Gracing time before one�s birth if how I often feel Manhattan used to be, Sante described nostalgia perfectly, I often feel that I�ve grown up, come of age right at the end. But the first part of his quote, what contempt do I hold for the present? The yearning for order and safety and constancy is certainly on the mark, I tend to believe/feel that the past - however awful it was at the time I was living it - was simpler, easier and more intertwined with comfort and safety and simplicity. Is it responsibility that bothers me with now? I think that is too easy an answer.
I must continue at some other time, for if I don�t I�ll only be able to worry about stretching and jumping on my rebounder and walking Bubble and I won�t be able to focus on this.

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