Sea foam green
01-27-09 | 15:56

I ought to be transcribing my class from this morning, or reading for my social thought class tomorrow, but instead I came home, ate a big bountiful salad and watched House. How can I help it, I got a season pass and an email arrives in my mailbox informing me of a new episode, I canít not watch it. Earlier today I was thinking how challenging it is to change a habit. Me on default is watching the same shows over and over again, breathing shallowly and letting my life pass me by. Iím not sure if PB knows this but it is a challenge for me to get up every morning, make the bed, feed the dog (for the purposes of this diary her name is Bubble) etc... There are yoga classes being offered down the block from me and I havenít taken them yet because it is ďtoo earlyĒ in the day (9:30 isnít that early Estasia). Itís funny, sometimes I lament over the fact that PB is naturally inclined towards laziness (like moi) and frustrate him and get upset over what he doesnít do, but of course I would be attracted and gravitate towards a person who enjoys similar things to me. Well he also enjoys travel more than I do and can leave the country equipped with his passport and a comb, whereas I need a little more (think of the princess in spaceballs) preparation.
So here I am, sitting at my new dining set (just came in yesterday) admiring the window treatments (curtains arrived and were installed yesterday as well) not doing my work. Iím not even listening to any of the myriad of audiobooks I purchased in the last month.
I donít want to feel bad about this, of course even that is an effort, I am more understanding of myself (here I just wanted to write shortcomings) than ever before, and I am realizing that these habits are not relaxing or benefiting me in any way, why do I do them then? Because they are easy, because they are something I am comfortable with, they are comforting to me. I need to find new ways of being comforted, more healthy ways, and a way of relaxing that isnít actually me just evading.
Perhaps it is that I am tired, getting tight on Saturday night and staying up until three oíclock isnít usual for me, and Iíve always taken a long time to repair myself after a long evening, I just donít have long evenings very often so it takes longer to get back to myself. When I was knee deep in dope, vodka and cigarettes I didnít get too bent out of shape when I had some uppers put in the mix, but now give me a line of anything elicit, hell, give me a sip of diet coke, and Iíll be up for hours and hours. So I suppose that is positive, I have come a long way from when I met PB, and I am still growing, if I can kick dope on my own, return to school, be a mommy to Bubble and a faithful girlfriend to PB then I can catch up on my sleep and trust myself enough to know that the wave of laziness that comes over me from time to time is dissipating and will soon be sea foam.

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Dead Sound
01-25-09 | 18:48

So school has started, as I may have mentioned. And the work is setting in. I like to highlight important passages in my school reading and transcribe them on Voodoopad. I do this with class as well, I record the class and transcribe when I get home. The repetition helps me retain the information. It is tedious work that makes my eyes hurt but, I received two Aís and a B+ last semester, so I am doing something right. Well today I have been too tired and hungover to get my work done.
Yesterday evening PB and I had over another couple for board games, cocktails, and snacks. We had a blast, it was the first time we entertained non-family in our apartment. G used to be PBís roommate when PB lived in the West Village. G met M and they moved in together. They have been a couple for 5 years now and just became engaged on Christmas. They are a very likable couple and they behave in the same manner that PB and I do, so we feel completely at ease with them. I really had a blast. I got snacks from Balduccis, a couple more bottles of the San-Joseph and PB took out the board games. They stayed until one oíclock, which gives me the impression that they had just as good a time as we did. I am just text messaging M to let her know that we had a swell time last night.
So I am a bit brain dead. PB and I have been on the sofa all day eating frosted flakes and watching shows. He ran out now to get us some dinner and then we will probably resume our lazy day.


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On my mind
01-22-09 | 21:29

Today was a good day. I accomplished nothing in terms of schoolwork but PB and I had a pleasant time together. He took the day off, a little mental vacation that was much deserved and I went to my waxing appointment (as I may have mentioned, I love getting groomed - I do it for myself and no one else, I remember when I was single and the prospect of a fella was a far-away idea and I still took exquisite care of myself) and the maids were here so the apartment is fresh like a daisy, and we stayed in and ate mexican food and watched MST3K. We have become addicted to it ever since I ordered a couple of episodes on net-flix, then we saw that it was offered on lTunes and now we have watched around six or seven movies. Now, post shower we are getting into bed and finishing our second episode of the day.
I was looking in my paper journal earlier today and I could not help but congratulate myself and feel wonderful for how far Iíve come in terms of food and feeling good about myself. Eating cheesy greasy mexican food with PB just an hour ago I took a couple sips of his diet coke and I was OK with myself for doing that. The drink has been in the fridge since new years eve when my father brought it over, and it has been facing me every time I open the refrigerator door with its cold bubbly caffeine goodness and Iíve declined its advances. Then PB opens it and I help myself to a couple of sips and I do not worry about it causing me gas, or being kept up all night, I just take it for what it is and for that I am proud of myself. I am so much more allowing with myself and that makes me happy. I am also living so much of a healthier life and am more in touch with my body than I have ever been. I drink green juices, have hydrotherapy, rebound, and I am progressing into a yoga practice!
This semester is going to be great, intense, but so rewarding. Iím going to finish my anthropology reading tomorrow and start my social thought reading as well. I am glad that Iím taking only two classes because it will allow me to enjoy the warm weather (when it arrives) and still be focused enough to earn straight Aís.
I also love living in alphabet city. When I first moved out on my own I dreamt of living on 3rd and B, or 12th and C in an old dingy apartment, going to the bodega and getting my groceries, weaving my way through the avenues, shopping, eating and galavanting my way through life, then I found the same type of happiness in the West Village, but the dingy East hass always had a special place in my heart and now Iím living it! I thought of this yesterday whilst walking to my hydrotherapy session (the therapist is just several blocks away) and passing all the beautiful quirky little community garden and green thumb associations that are prevalent in the neighborhood. Then I thought that I had to place this in my journal, which is exactly what I did.
This entry is more like a list of what I wanted to write and place online than an actual flowing entry, nonetheless, I am so proud of myself that I am writing again. Writing is good for the soul, it helps expel and clear the thoughts.
Here is an all too brief list of simple things I love:

    A deep belly laugh.
    Looking at my fella when we are both laughing at the same thing and bonding over it, even though we are being redundant.
    Writing in our wine book together.
    Watching PB play with Bubble, he treats her like his daughter and it brings me excitement .
    Writing cards to people that I love, be it birthday cards, I miss you cards, or mini-letters.
    Rebounding, after twenty minutes I feel refreshed and ready to focus and start my day.
    Yoga, I know this practice will help me create a deeper connection with myself and strengthen my body as well.
    Having an orgasm, who doesnít really?
    Seeing Bubble react positively to people that she remembers and adores, she jumps back and forth, cries happy little shrieks, and howls.
    Taking off my nail polish and cleaning my nails. I have such healthy nails that it is such a treat to see them in their natural form and feel the strength. I have to get them cut every two weeks because they grow so fast.
    Reading useless information books whilst taking a steamy hot bubble bath. Because I love knowing why the sky is blue and what Cleopatra really looked like (she had a big hook nose, but her charm was devastating).
    Having a lovely lunch at USC. One of my favorite places to eat in Manhattan.
    Seeing a matinee by myself on a whim - havenít done that in ages but doing so makes me happy.
    Devoting time to write for myself.
    Drinking green juices and shakes, especially ones with cilantro in it.
    Getting flowers from my fella, it makes me so happy and I feel so special that he took time out of his busy day to think of me and think about what flowers I would especially like and what colors are my favorite.
    Getting chocolates from my fella, I love Vosges haute chocolate.
    Getting flowers for myself.
    Reading about being a proper hostess from Dorothy Draper.
    Being called to bed by PB, which is something that is happening right now.


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