Why I Cry
03-28-09 | 11:18

I have been really anxious lately. I have been easily frustrated with myself and have been having nightmares about my family. These have now become repetitive and worthy of thinking about why. The gist of these nightmares is that I'm excluded or made fun of by my family. Where is this coming from? I haven't slept well in the past few days, staying awake thinking about things I need to get done, things I haven't done and worrying.

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I ain't never satisfied
01-29-09 | 12:08

I feel so extremely guilty, guilty because I love PB. Last night he wanted to have sex, I did not want to remotely. I felt guilty about that, disappointing your lover, especially since when I tell him that I donít wanna he gets all Ďwhy, donít you find me attractive?Ē And I feel worse. I ended up giving him a hand job because I could feel how he was pulsating with energy and was unable to sleep, I did it for as much me and for him. I donít want to become one of those couple where the man has to wack-ff in the shower because the woman is a prude. But I am discontent in general. I can feel it in my bones, I am achy and I donít even want PB around. I feel that he doesnít do enough and I am deeply unsatisfied with the state of things. I always (and I know people donít always do ďanythingĒ but I always do the following) feed Bubble, take her out on walks, and unprovocated PB will not pick up his shoes, take out the clean dishes from the dishwasher, wake up in a timely fashion, go to the dentist, exercise, and wash his clothes. I know he is a busy person, but I live with him, I see him and he could be doing a lot more with his time. I just want him to go to the fucking dentist, wake up at a regular time five days of the week (a time before eleven oíclock) and do some mild exercise. I am starting to find him unattractive and it is tearing me apart. I cannot do schoolwork, I cannot get off, I cannot even enjoy my time with him. When I suggest anything to him he flies off the handle, or simply says, ďOK.Ē He also spends way too much time (in my opinion of course) on the computer. He told me his dreams about returning to school and I provided him stamps to send out his application and transcript request, this was last week and the stamps are still on his desk. We have been living together in the apartment for two months and he has yet to unpack his desk. He is uninvolved in any and all correspondence to the landlord and other tenants the apartment, that is all me. I want a man who will wake up in the morning and brush his teeth and change into fresh clothes, and offer to feed Bubble. I want a man who doesnít need to be reminded fifteen times to buy sneakers to start running, or to take out the trash. It has gotten so that I will think of something that I need from him (rent, money for dinner, use the kale you bought from the supermarket before it goes bad, call the locksmith) and hold off on it until a proper time to tell him at the optimal time so he will remember and so he will not get frustrated with me. I know he operates on a different time schedule than me, but I cannot handle this, I am not asking him to be an athlete I just want him to call the locksmith before it is too late, he said he would call within the week and that was two weeks ago. He said that he would go to the dentist, but that was a week ago, he said that he would take me out for a new new years (since he was apart from me on this one) and I havenít heard anything about that. Not once in the time that we have been living here have I come home to a romantic candle lit dinner. I practically had to beg him to get me flowers because I like getting flowers. Iím not asking for diamonds or gold, or the moon, I am simply asking for some thoughtfulness, I want to be taken to a movie, not the opera. And the kicker is - this has been one of the problems throughout our entire relationship. He lacks, I offer and enable and then I get sick of it. And sick of him. I canít talk to these things with him because I feel they would send him into a downward spiral of depression, when he really ought to hear this and react with an ďOh, I understand, I want to make our relationship stronger.Ē And I cannot tell anyone else about this because everyone - including my folks - think we have the perfect relationship and this coming out from nowhere would bee way too shocking. I think the only thing to do is to quit doing things, live as if I live alone, wash your glasses by hand and leave his alone, but juice only for you and let him know that it is only for you. I truly detest that it must come to this. I just want a man who is more functional than PB. I want someone who says things and follows through with them, I want a man who I can trust to do something when I ask, rather than ask twenty times. I want a man who will wash his own clothes before they become a pile of stink on the floor. I want a man who knows what his blood type, who sees his physician and dentist regularly, who works out, at least to maintain emotional balance, I want a man who will look up recipes and cook me a nice romantic dinner and clean up too.
I donít know what to do.

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