I'm Bad At Confrontation
08-26-10 | 09:32

Today I am just going to allow myself to feel crappy. As I mentioned my sleep has been disrupted lately so last night I took a Benadryl, and now I have a Benadyl hangover. I would still be in bed if the housekeepers weren't coming today. I think I am going to allow myself to feel blah, despite this beautiful weather. I feel bad about not walking Bubble today, but I simply can't.

I also am being pissy about the changes I must make in my life to t budget. Never before have I had to make certain things a priority. I would be able to spend an afternoon in the personal shopping changing room at Barneys, then go off to get my hair done and then go out to Gramercy Tavern for dinner. I cannot do any of that now and I know how silly this sounds - but I think the reaction if affecting me physically. This is something I've had ten years to get used to and now I have to stop that behavior. I was talking with PB last night and I compared this feeling and the physical reaction to that of going off dope. All these feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness are coming up for me and I have no way to push them down, I have to deal with them.

It wasn't so terrible during the summer, but now that fall is coming... Well I never passed an August without doing shopping for the coming season. NEVER. This is so new to me. I don't know what to do with myself. And to make i worse, not only can I not afford to shop, shop, shop I cannot keep my regularly scheduled programming.

I'm not even going to start with how bad I feel about myself that this bothers me so. A grown woman stunted complaining about how she can't shop. Waah.

I am trying to ignore that so I can work through these emotions. I am grateful that these emotions are coming to surface during a time in my life when I am able to deal with them. I am able to give these feelings attention, so I can work through them and when school starts I will be able to focus on school.

But then I have my mixed up mother breathing down my neck restricting things that I truly need - my school tutor. And what the fuck still is with her offering me a vacation but not paying for my yoga? I don't want any of it but in her controlling mind the two are different. And by offering me a reward she undermines any effort I've made at all. Arg, this is so difficult. Writing this, I have such a strong aversion to even thinking about these things, let alone writing them down and forcing myself to feel them. I don't even know where in my body I am feeling them. It is definitely fear, fear is part of it. I think I feel it in my chest. Yes I do. I get all tensed up and heavy feeling in my chest and it makes me want to curl up and take inaction. I want to do nothing.

The only appointment I must keep today is yoga. I am not going to walk Bubble and I am going to forgive myself for being in "hiding" today.

I forgive myself.
I forgive myself.
I forgive myself.

I maybe be back later this afternoon for another entry.

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08-25-10 | 18:16

Gosh. Today I am tired. My allergic reaction causes my skin to itch, and for some reason I get most itchy in the middle of the night. So for the past two nights, hours after I drifted off to sleep I half wake up feeling uncomfortable and unbearably itchy. So I lie in bed, awake, in the middle of the night. For the past two nights.

And for some reason I woke up in such a fog today. I felt like I took valium or slept for twelve hours or something. I managed to get a grip, and I rebounded, and did yoga.

I'm not feeling very positive today. Maybe it is because of my hand. I am feeling very poor, out of focus and tired. I don't even want to make grilled cheeses for dinner tonight.

I'm not vibing well today.

Summer is supposed to return tomorrow. Maybe I will too.

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The circle of complaint
08-24-10 | 18:08

I am super frustrated right now. With this blustery lovely weather I have an itch for fall clothes. SO I decided to go to my favorite online clothing store and played a little game with myself. I decided to unabashedly shop. Whatever I fancied I would put in my shopping cart, and just see what the total comes out to. Why did I choose to do this? I have no clue. Maybe I wanted to see how much money I am saving by not shopping. So I do all the shopping and of course, 68 items in my shopping bag later the total comes close to the GNP of a small country. And even with this in mind I am still trying to rationalize making a purchase! Even though I am wholly incapable of doing so since I do not have enough money to order food let alone a whole new wardrobe.

Maybe it is a comment my mother made to me during lunch. Everything was going along perfectly, conversation was easy and I was discussing all the things that I'm currently doing in my life and I mentioned how I would love to take a trip to Las Vegas with my best -girl. And my mother offers to fund the trip. Because I've been doing so "well" lately. My head almost spun around. If you can fund my ritzy trip to Las Vegas why are you putting a cap on my school tutor? If you can afford roundtrip airfare for two, a hotel room for three nights and food, food, food, then why can't you pay for my yoga sessions? WHy am I scraping by while you can treat me to a Las Vegas trip!? She drives me fucking insane. I understand that she came from a place of love, and that her intentions were good, she wanted to "reward" me for managing (barely) my budget. But that one gesture totally undermines everything I am doing. Like I'm not doing it for myself or something. Like I am ten years old again and have to be bribed with barbie dolls so I can do well on my spelling test on Friday. Well eighteen years later and she is treating me no differently. In her mind I cannot succeed without a prize. Like doing well isn't enough for me, I need something more. I don't know what goes on in that woman's head.

And of course while I type this I am stress eating! Eating food brought home from the restaurant she took me to for lunch this afternoon.

And of course she complained about my father, and overshared intimate details about their relationship - again! I am amazed that I even know the value of honesty and fidelity growing up in that house.

Poor PB, I almost don't want to tell him about this afternoon for fear of complaining to him. The circle of complaint or something. Of course I am super sensitive to it because of being aware of it so much when I was growing up. My father complains to my mother, and she complains to me about him, and if I complain to her? She doesn't care to hear it.

OK, now I am just complaining to this diary.

Sorry Diary.

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08-23-10 | 15:04


I cancelled yoga today because of a severe allergic reaction on my hands. I think of all things I am allergic to lavender oil. I woke up in the middle of the night and it felt like my skin was on fire! So I went to my desk and decided to read Not Coming, a well written movie review website of, well movies that have been forgotten or older movies. right now the feature is about time travel movies and after reading an analysis for Peggy Sue Got Married and 12 Monkeys I went back to bed and tried to fall asleep, and of course I dreamt about time travel. Weird dreams.

I went to the dermatologist and was given some topical ointment to heal my allergic reaction. With the rain today I am feeling rather fuzzy. don't get me wrong, I adore, adore, adore this weather. It is so moody and cozy. Makes we want to eat grilled cheese and drink red wine and read books or watch a movie, which is just what I plan on doing for the rest of today.

Tomorrow I must have lunch with my mother, and I am not really looking forward to that. It is easier for me to have lunch with her and just be easy going rather than avoid her and cause her to question her entire worldview. But holy moly I am so not looking forward to it. I'm not interested in her life, her over-sharing, and her complaining. So in order to cope I will just be easy and ignore any uncomfortable topics. I'll drink some nice wine, eat some delicious food and be sure to take home extra for dinner.

Last night PB and I watched the entire series 1 on Sherlock from BBC 1. It is thrilling. The show is made very well and the actor who plays Sherlock is a dreamboat.

I'm thinking about all the things I want that I cannot have. I want to list them here so I can purge them in some way (be aware, some of these are severely mortifying for me):

I want bigger lips. The price tag isn't keeping me away, the inanity of it is what is keeping me away, oh that and the part where my lips get injections. But, I want them nonetheless.

I want a Tracie Martyn facial. I had one once, and I loved it. I want the full recommended cycle - 1 every three weeks for 6 months and then four times a year or so. I want this because I fear that my face always looks puffy. And I want a more angular jaw. The facials slim down your neck and cheeks.

I want a few new pairs of shoes for fall and winter. Nuff said.

I want to be able to get fresh flowers every week.

I want a ninety minute in-home body massage every two weeks.

I want oodles of new lingerie.

I want fresh silk pillowcases and new bedlinen and six new king sized pillows.

Voice lessons.

That is about it, of course there are plenty little things I want, but those are the big ones that haunt me.
The first two are something I really should look at - I want them because I believe they will make me more attractive, sexier, stunning, beautiful, unique. So why don't I feel that way on my own? I used to shop compulsively, and in shopping I would receive a rush, something that was filling a void. With new shoes, clothes, jewelry I felt I could create whoever I wanted to be, however I wanted to feel. I would have my hair done, and my makeup done and a new outfit on and I would feel on top, on fire, above the riff-raff. It was a way to separate myself from others, and it made me feel good about myself. Without all this preparation I wouldn't fee confident, I wouldn't feel sexy, I wouldn't feel desirable. And I was never trying to get someone to hit on me, I just wanted to be admired, and when I had a new outfit and a perfect coiff, perfect manicure I felt that I was admired. It was almost the same feeling as dope. I felt above-it-all, and then I felt ready to put myself out there. My fear is that without these distractions (?), or illusions, or barriers, without the artifice - I wouldn't be interesting, I wouldn't be pretty, I wouldn't be special.

Why? Why do I A. need to feel special, and B. need outside influences to govern that fact?

This sucks to think about, but I'm going to mull ir over anyway...

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Sunday Afternoon
08-22-10 | 12:50

PB got his moped! I am so happy for him to have this new toy. Unfortunately it is not working properly so he is going to get a tarp for it and lay it down and get to work on making it work. It is a cute little beleaguered moped from Holland and made in 1980. It is perfect for his first wheels.

Me? Well I tried to take Bubble out on a walk but the wetness from the rain earlier made that difficult. Bubble is a street sweeper because she is so furry and fluffy and she picked up all the soot from the sidewalk and I had to carry her upstairs and hose her down. Now she smells like a wet puppy. Perhaps I will spray her with some rosewater a little later on.

So while PB is out I am listening to Jonathan Shwartz on wnyc and reading old Bitch magazines. I ordered some juice from Liquiteria. One of the things that has really helped me gain control of eating is drinking juice. Almost every day I have two large all green juices with pineapple. The greens are spinach, parsley, kale, swiss chard, and I put in the pineapple to help with digestion and to lighten up the green taste. I also drink a grapefruit, celery, ginger juice in the evenings. The ginger also helps with digestion, and the drink is super tasty. With these juices I feel properly hydrated. If I don't drink the juices I tend to over eat a little bit and then I feel sluggish. The juice is my cup of coffee. I feel all juicy and healthy after drinking them. And starting my day with green juice helps to remind me to eat healthy, and the urges to go and eat Doritos are abated. Once my order arrives I'll call PB and order some lunch. I so do not feel like cooking even though I ordered plenty of groceries, why does that happen? I don't want to sully up the kitchen by using it, crazy logic. I also don't have the energy or focus to prepare the food and clean up after.

I enrolled myself in a dance class. It is called the S Factor. It is a women only dance workout and it combines yoga, ballet, and striptease! I am so nervous to take this class, but also so excited as well. I don't know how to dance at all. I dance to nothing, I feel I have no rhythm (I can't even spell rhythm correctly, I needed spell check!), even though I want to dance, but I am always shy and nervous to dance in public. From what I read about this program I believe it will help me to feel comfortable in my own skin while dancing, and it will do so in a safe, women-only environment. I also am interested in it for the sensual side as well. I am looking forward to being in a place (physically, the dance studio & spiritually) where I can feel unabashedly sensual, and this looks like a great place to practice/nurture that feeling/state of mind.

The problems that have been plaguing me for the past eight years or so are still nagging on me: Money, focus, productivity, drive, but only now have I begun to address these problems. It was exhausting to read all my old diary entries and see that in almost every other entry I complained about having no money. I want to be free from that compliant from now on. I want to be in control and aware of what I spend and don't spend my money on. I want the ability to save my money, and I want the feeling of excitement when I see how much I have saved over the coming months. I want to stay in the black.

OK that little wish aside, I'm going to finish drinking my juice, read a couple more Bitch articles and order lunch.


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Long time coming
08-21-10 | 14:39

I love that I still have access to this diary. It is a place for me to go to when I feel the need to type steady-stream-of-consciousness.
It is Saturday and my Bubble is resting on my lap. I had my nails done earlier and now the maids are here. I am at a loss of what to do today. It is so beautiful outside but it is also quite humid and I despise the humidity. I don't feel like going anywhere to eat, I'm not in the mood to window shop and I don't really want to see a movie, go to a museum, or talk a stroll. So I've come to the conclusion that I would rawther stay inside. I walked Bubble earlier today and that was enough outside for me. Perhaps I will see a movie with PB later this evening. That Extra Man movie looks pretty interesting. I am sucker for Kevin Kline, and New York in the nineties. If we don't see the movie tonight I would like to go out on Monday and see it by myself. I think that is one of the reasons why I do not like going out and about on weekends - too many people and just too intense. I loathe waiting on line, I don't like lots of people everywhere and restaurants during the weekends are always sub-par.
I think that in the past few years I've devolved into someone who lives for her boyfriend and who fills her time without him by re-watching the same movies and television shows, preparing dinner two hours before his arrival home and then eating and watching a movie and going to bed. It is almost like my life from 2001 to just a few months ago has been filled with phases that I knew couldn't last, like I've been running away from being productive and behaving in ways that were unsustainable. It always seemed like I was outrunning one responsibility or another. And only within the past month or two have I started being reasonable. Have I started to accept responsibility. And as a result of that I have rediscovered what a joy solitude is for me. When you're running from responsibility and you have a dependable fella it is all to easy (for me at least) to forget yourself because you don't want to admit to the issues at hand.
In my case I was eschewing responsibility because I was scared to change my life. I was comfortable, not necessarily happy, but comfortable, and if I changed then I might not be comfortable, I might not be able to be lazy. I knew I was hiding from something so I let myself devolve and as a result I stopped enjoying time with myself. I stopped reading, I became nervous at the thought of going outside alone, I was very uneasy when there were no solid plans, and it was neigh on unbearable to me when PB would leave the house to do whatever (meet with friends, take photos, have a stroll, go shopping, etc..) he wished to do and did not give me a set time as to when he would return. I was constantly stressed out and frustrated at everything. I didn't appreciate myself and I didn't allow myself to think because if I did then I would realize that I have to change.
How did I realize that? It wan't one specific thing, at least I don't recall if it was. Many talks with PB about my behavior, the realization that my mother never believed in me and so she never pushed me to try anything risky in my life, and the fact that she still doesn't believe in me ("I always thought you would marry a rich man", "I don't think you can do this", "If I die you would use up all my money right away".) kinda revved up my engine so to speak and gave me the desire to take responsibility for my life. I've started seeing a wonderful therapist who has helped me more in three sessions than all the mental health professionals I've seen in the past. I'm also passionately dedicated to my yoga practice, I've even started to dream about yoga. And of course the little niggling voice in my head still like to say, "yeah, how long will that last until you give up again?" but the voice is much quieter now and I don't allow the voice to rule my emotions. Speaking of emotion, I also don't let myself get carried away when I start to feel overwhelmed. I shut down less and less, instead I take deep breaths and talk about how I am feeling rather than act on it.
I am also doing so much better with my approach to food. It is less and less a mental block for me, although I still "emotion eat", but the neat thing about that is that I now know I am doing it. I used to not be able to identify the action, I was not aware and now, when I shove big heaping spoonfuls of last nights pasta in my mouth I know it is a result of reading my mothers most recent email, or it is because I am scared with what to do with my free time, scared that I will fall back into mindless television watching, re-watching the same episodes of Friends, Ally McBeal, or Sex and The City (yes, I have horrid taste in television). I think that is quite an achievement. I also no longer partake in a binge. I don't plan it out and sit down with all my food like I used to, and I don't derive pleasure from thinking about binging. So even though I most definitely allow myself to "emotion eat" I have not had the desire to binge in quite a few years. I think the last time I did it was because I wanted to remember what the feeling was like and I didn't enjoy it. I've also stopped shopping. I used buying outfits and shoes as measures of self-worth, and I would receive a literal high when my net-a-porter order would arrive. My heart would beat faster and I would feel so clam and powerful. This of course was followed by feeling out of breath and worrying about when my mother would yell at me for spending money. I just stopped. I really don't know the how of it. I guess I could say that I just turned off that behavior? Maybe I didn't need it anymore.
So all these positive changes in my life has returned in me the pleasure of my own company. And writing this entry is a perfect example of this.
I am still troubled by my lack of effort compared to other women my age, and I am still ashamed that I have yet to finish school (even though I am still enrolled and doing well), and I still get discouraged if I don't have a good night of sleep, or if I don't look polished and put together then I don't want to go outside.
But the fact that I have returned to myself, and derive pleasure from my own company and can even write an entry like this? For that I am proud.

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