12-18-10 | 15:38
My last entry was the shitty shit. I didn't even describe my new blouse properly. It is a floral print and metallic polka dot cream silk flowy blouse.
This past week has been difficult. Compounded even by the fact that in just two days PB and I will have house-guests. His momma and brother. I am trying to not be bent out of shape, my routine is very important to me, but it is only nine days and after they have left, and after the tree is taken down I can rejoice in the cleanliness that will be my apartment. I can enjoy the apartment all to myself and I shall be free to indulge in my many, many neuroses without fear or someone else ruining them and without fear of being judged.
I was so chilly after yoga today that I broke out my Kiki gray cashmere knee socks. It comes with matching cashmere knickers and a wireless lounging bra, of which I wore the knickers under my purple robe.
My brother is in town for one day only. I'll have a chance to see him for a drink and then a ride with him into Queens where we will have dinner with our folks. Tomorrow PB, my brother, and my folks will trim the Christmas tree together. It is nice seeing him without the wife and kids clinging to his neck, sucking away all of his attention. And it is also nice to see him in the city. Away from a house, where we can get a real drink in a real bar.
Last night PB and I put up our Christmas tree. I bought caviar, and champagne and after the tree was complete we sat at the dining table to nibble and imbibe.
I went to bed at a reasonable time and woke up early for my hair appointment followed by yoga. I am still catching up on sleep.
One of the main reasons I still write in this is to hold on to something for myself. I am learning to separate myself from PB and to become my own person, which I have been a maverick at actually. The past few months I have made great progress in being my own person and perusing my own goals and activities. Writing in this journal is another aspect of that. I had this journal before I ever knew PB (I say knew and not met, because technically we met June 21st 2000), and I shall continue to write in it so I can have something completely for myself.
Even if I am exquisitely boring in my entries I shall continue to write.
One of the reasons for my shallow boringness is that I do not want to confront some of the deeper things I deal with in therapy on this diary.
So if I choose to talk about getting my hair blown out, and the state of my Christmas party then so be it.
Right now the Christmas party guest list is at 23, including PB and mot. So 21 guests, Which is pretty swell. We will have one person preparing food and one server/greeter. I am super, super excited for the party. I am getting my hair swooped up into a chingon, and wearing a darling MArc Jacobs black crepe cap sleeve swing dress. The dress has a thin layer of peach crepe under the black and the dress is a drop waist with a poof at the back bottom. The poof comes out in three layers and is incredibly demure and sexy. I'm going to edge out the look a little by wearing last winter's silver patent leather Christian Louboutin open toe booties and a thick silver cuff that I've had forever. I'm going to rock the messy swooped back hair and I'm going to be made up with dark smokey eyes with a smudge of silver on the inner corners.
3 more, maybe 4 if I push myself tomorrow, yoga sessions and one dance class until the party. I think I can do it. If I go off to bed at an early hour every night until the party and receive a full night of sleep every night i ought to be fine.
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Today was my first yoga session since last Friday. I didn't practice any yoga on my on during the weekend because of cramps and a general disgruntled spirit. Then I didn't go to my dance class on Monday because my mother and I had a fight and she just flat-lined any enthusiasm I had for living. Then on Tuesday I had lunch with an acquaintance and finished my Christmas shopping, so yoga was out of the question. On Wednesday my yoga teacher had a sick baby on her hands and I was exhausted and fighting with PB anyway so I was like "whatevs". Then last night, Bubble kept me up most of the night with her stomach problems the poor lamb. So I cancelled with my teacher.
After a start to a stressful and blah day I turned it around by jumping and then after that I managed to do a full session of yoga! I am super proud of myself, of course my "accomplishment" is underlined by my harsh superego and part of me thinks why should I be so proud of something that I ought to do nearly every day anyway? But I am trying to pay no mind to that side and to just enjoy taking full deep breaths and enjoy the feeling of slightly sore arm muscles.
When I veer from routine I go hay-wire. My eating habits lapse into unhealthy, I don't fall asleep until late at night and when I do it is light. I'm generally in an awful mood.
Which is why it feels so good to have taken hold of myself again and to have jumped, practiced yoga, went to therapy, and the dentist all today! I am the queen at missing appointments when I feel less than perfect. But today I managed to do it all.
I am so proud of myself that I am taking my fella out to Travertine this evening. I went once last year with a few girlfriends and rather enjoyed it. Looking forward to returning. I shall wear my new dress. The sparkly one I purchased at Albertine yesterday. In looking for little baubles for my dear friend I came across an adorable Tucker top, white with shimmery gold dots and dark shimmery flowers. It is very christmasy without being too festive I also bought a dress, a cute one with long sleeves and a deep v-neck. It has little layers underneath it and it too is shimmery and gold with blue and red. It is also the perfect size for moi!
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After popular demand PB and I are hosting a Christmas party again this year. My best girl asked about it and then one of his friends asked him about it and that was the point at which I threw up my hands and said "fuck-it" we gotta do one again this year. I was anxious when my usual caterer wasn't able to help me plan the event, but the production company she works for is able to handle and now I am started to feel taken care of and relaxing - slowly. I was a complete mess for two days because I was so worried that I wouldn't find anyone, and no one quite the caliber of her, because she helped throw a magnificent party last year. But I feel like I am in good hands now and am starting to, in ultra girly language, unclench a little. So now I am feeling more positive about the party - because I couldn't even begin to explain how unbelievably stressed out I was before.
My best girl and her fella will be at the party, and more and more people are RSVPing yes so that is truly exciting!
I got my hair done today for the first time in a week because my stylist was away visiting family, and I feel so much prettier.
I am having a special facial on Thursday that I am looking forward to.
I am practicing yoga regularly and have a lot more stamina.
I ordered sushi for dinner and I feel virtuous and light.
PB and I purchased CHristmas ornaments this afternoon and I am getting excited about decorating the tree.
That is all I have right now!
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Today was a slumppy day. I didn't get much sleep last night so I ventured out into the kitchen with my book to make myself a cup of chamomile tea with cream and honey (one smooth cup of that and I am most relaxed). I was standing at the counter reading my book and sipping my tea and having quite a meditative moment when PB walks in for a midnight peek at the fridge and to snack on some leftover Thanksgiving yummies. He starts chatting about this and that and - well it was just such a funny juxtaposition. I am in the quiet, dimly lit kitchen having a clam moment and in walks this bundle of bright energy and it starts eating turkey. And of course Bubble comes strolling in when she hears the food sounds. I'm not sure if PB was oblivious to my desire for solitude or he thought he was cheering me up, either way I chuckled at his cuteness and after he left I had quiet time to finish my chapter and my cup of tea. Back to today - so it was cloudy and gross out all day. My yoga teacher is sick so no practice today and I didn't take Bubble out today due to the weather. So I slobbed around and then became very tired and fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon, not before a failed attempt at yoga. Naps always fuck with me because I wake up dehydrated and puffy and disoriented. I much prefer a solid night of sleep to a nap. Anyway - so my day was on a down path, and at 5:30 I decided to try yoga again, and guess what?! I managed to get through it. I'm so darn proud of myself that I'm having a glass of champagne in celebration!
And now for some 2011 resolutions - hey the earlier the better:
My mother just called me from her mobile and scared the shit out of me. I really don't want to hear from my folks right now. I just spent so much time and effort into making a lovely Thanksgiving meal - the least you could do is to give me a mini-break. I know how much they love me but sometimes it gets suffocating.
Great, now I feel ungrateful.
I want room service and champagne.
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Yesterday was stressful to say the least. I am not going to write about it lest I sound like the girl from the Dorothy Parker short story Diary of A New York Lady. Because the stressful things were all centered around people in the service industry and how they failed at serving me properly. I was a wreck last night, PB and I were going to go out to dinner at some casual Chinese place in Midtown (Midtown has the best Chinese restaurants) but as I was getting dressed I just lost it. I was bloated and puffy and tired and my skin was too pale against everything I tried on and I hadn't eaten for most of the day, I hadn't even had my juice so I was dehydrated and pissy. So I fell into a heap on the floor and PB made the executive decision to order Mama's fried chicken and mac and cheese and we played computer games and ate yummy yummies in comfy clothes.
And of course today I am not even jumping or doing any sort of physical activity. I feel really awful about it but I simply cannot bring myself to focus. We slept until noon and then I ate a box of animal crackers. I'm not even taking Bubble out for a walk today.
I also have loads to do and I'm not doing any of it. I must settle with my dry cleaners, I must iron and I have things to send to my mother's secretary for processing and returning and such.
I changed my birth control regime, as it previously stood, I got my period at the end of the month, and important things seem to happen at the end and start of certain months (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, My birthday...) so I changed the structure and now I get my period in the middle of the month. But since I just this month changed it and am getting my period in two weeks I am starting to get hormonal and pissy, like I backed up my hormones and now they are leaking out as the estrogen in my pills slowly dwindles so, basically I am saying that in the next two weeks I shall slowly transform into a monster.
So is that my convenient excuse for not practicing yoga or jumping? Gaahhh! I know I'm going to behave like a sloth today so why am I allowing myself to feel so guilty?
Tomorrow I am having a hydrotherapy session, so that will help me from feeling so bloated and puffy, and I've yoga four times this coming week, ack! No I do not! I'm having filler again on Wednesday so I won't have yoga on Wednesday or Thursday. So maybe I can have yoga four times next week and just practice by myself on Thursday. So it will be three days, with my dance class on Monday.
This week I will settle with the dry cleaner, and the schedule a blood test with my doctor (my October results showed something high about my thyroid or whatever, but that may be because of my birth control, so he wanted me to come in in December to measure again. if the results are the same - fine), and oh Lord, the holiday's are so stressful.
I think I'm going to make the bed and drink my other juice.
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Thanksgiving night, Christmas day night, New Year's day after nine o'clock - The festivities or work, in some cases are over, baths had, comfy clothes on but there is this lingering sense of "now what" in the air and it has always irked me.
I can recall Christmas day night in 2000, after the days family events were over I went back to my dorm on Third Avenue and Ninth Street and felt the eerie clam followed by "now what", I went to the bodega across the street only to be followed by some creepy man that I had to out maneuver in order to get back safely to my dorm room.
Tonight my "now what" is being spent on my living room sofa, reading about wine, and writing in this thing whilst the dishwasher runs its third load of the day and PB sits across from me on the floor trying to get the computer game we were going to play together to work.
Today went off without a hitch. It went off so well in fact that I have this premonition that in years to come PB and I will recall this seemingly effortless meal, and the fact that the days went off without ONE SINGLE THING GOING WRONG. No bickering, no fights, no sadness. The food was perfect, the company (my folks) was pretty good, and the clean-up was relativity easy.
Although cooking this big Thanksgiving meal for only four people has me dreading Christmas just a bit.
So Thanksgiving 2010 feast was:
Endive and mixed green salad with blue cheese and toasted walnuts, I made a champagne vinegar, egg yolk dijon mustard and olive oil dressing. It was light and creamy. One of my favorite salads and very easy to prepare.
Spicy green beans with parmesan and kale, with a thinly sliced onion browned in olive oil, add the beans, some red pepper flakes and one cup of white wine, then add the kale and the parmesan and mix it up until it is all gooey and cheesy and delicious.
Brussels sprouts and chestnuts in a brown butter sauce, baked with crispy butter shallots on top.
Butternut squash lasagna with a basil béchamel sauce, I added some amaretti cookies to the butternut squash puree, it gave it a light airy flavor. Truly delicious.
Cranberry sauce (of course), made the usual way with sugar and water. I added some orange zest and a splash of fresh orange juice at the end.
And our course I roasted a truffle butter turkey stuffed with thyme and onion and garlic, I rubbed truffle butter under the skin of the turkey. I ordered a heritage turkey and it was moist and perfectly cooked.
My mother also brought her fabulously retro turkey-sausage stuffing.
Tomorrow PB is spending the day on his own and I have household chores to do along with yoga and getting my hair done.
The maids were supposed to come this morning, which totally put a damper on my plans for the day because that meant that I had to rise at seven o'clock so I can start cooking and get in some exercise (rebounding) before they'd arrive. So the alarm rang at seven, much to my dismay, because I thought it was six o'clock. As soon as the alarm rang, so did my phone, I started stressing out right then and there and when I answered it and heard from my maid that she was ill and would not be cleaning the apartment today. Be it she meant it or simply didn't want to come to the apartment to clean I couldn't have cared less. I sang out with joy and relief. Two more blissful hours in bed, followed by some exercise and then food prep. So my day was blessed from the get-go. So because of the lack of maids this week I must do some chores myself tomorrow. Launder the towels, and sheets. Iron the shirts and my lingerie, and organize the linen closet.
On Saturday I've scheduled a massage. My usual post-Thanksgiving massage. To get rid of Thanksgiving stress and to prepare me for the upcoming Christmas stress.
It does feel weird to not be at my Aunt's house for Thanksgiving. My father had a falling out with her and because of pride and spite has completely cut himself off from her and consequently, his entire family. It is quite sad, and just mentioning it brings up a bevy of emotions, and none of them bedtime friendly, so i'll put this subject to rest.
My psyche's attempt at digesting the day.
I spoke with PB about this - One of the things that bothers me most about my folks is their lack of intent. My father doesn't have an intention when he speaks, so his words come out all jumbled and disjointed. My mother doesn't even intend to drink as much as she does, but she does and makes snippy comments and looks silly. I want to return to this.
Right now I am practically falling asleep whilst typing these words. I think I'll empty the last dishwasher load and go off to bed.
When should I take that secret valium my mother gave to me?
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I practiced my yoga today. For the first time in a month I went through all my poses. I've trimmed down some poses because my left shoulder has been giving me pain, but today I was able to do side plank and side lifts, I was able to fall into chaturanga from tripod, and to fall into backbend from headstand.
I'm sitting in the living room with PB and he just told me one of the most beautiful things, "if everything were different, we'd still be together."
I love him so much. I've been feeling such a strong connection, such a strong bond with him lately, even stronger than usual.
I am still upset that I missed dance class tomorrow, upset to the point that I am trying to make it possible to squeeze a yoga session on Thanksgiving. The maids get here at eight o'clock and I must start cooking by ten o'clock. Maybe I can practice in the office with the door closed as soon as they get here and then take the Bubble out for a walk. Then I can practice on both Saturday and Sunday and I will be back on track in my fitness routine.
My comments are now activated since I updated my membership. This is one meandering entry.
I've purchased those little hand strengtheners so my hands will be able to grip the pole in my dance class. I use it and I can feel it is working.
I am really craving some drugs right now. Some valium, or even some xanax. I want to slip into a blissful heavy sleep and wake up refreshed, rested and peaceful.
I am wearing a sexy Kiki de Montparnasse babydoll top, I've paired it with an old pair of black comfy pants. So I am only half sexy. PB told me the top and the bottoms don't go together. "I know", I said. But I am happy wearing this anyway. I've actually gotten tired of the three pair of pajamas that I cycle throughout the week. I have oodles of sexy nightgowns but never wear them because I never feel good enough after my bath and after my hair is all frizzy from the humidity. So tonight I am only partially sexy.
I'm scheduling a massage for Saturday, lord knows I shall be in need of decompression after Thanksgiving (menu to be posted soon).
I know what I am stressed out about! The bills! I have two very large bills that must be paid soon and I have a mother that pretends to have no moneys! The due date for these bills is looming and I am getting anxious.
Now I really want to take some valium.
How much avoiding can I do? I am also getting a wee bit stressed about the holiday season. It just costs so bloody much! The gifts for immediate family and friends not withstanding, it is the tips that I must give to the service people in my life. Hair style and assistant - need tips, hair color and assistant - need tips, The hostess staff and the manager at my favorite restaurant - need tips, my maids - need tips, I must send cards to my makeup artists, the florist, my dermatologist, and my general practitioner, I must give a little gift to my yoga teacher, and to my assistant, oh yes and a card and a little gift to my vet - because of her Bubble is the healthy happy girl that she deserves to be. Of course we need Christmas decor, and a tree, and I must buy serverware and make lots of food and have lots of wine. 'Tis the season to spend money. God, it bleeds you dry. Ugh, no wonder why I am so cranky and anxious.
I think I am going to look at Ashtanga yoga videos and then do breathing exercises and then - off to be for moi.
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