Fucking sucks and heartbreak
01-03-11 | 20:03
This week is turning out to be of monumental horror. I cancelled yoga today and ended up not going to dance class and rolling on the floor in a xanax haze and feeling like my world if over. PB and I ended up having an epic fight.
It started out last night when I took a bit of xanax with PB in order to help me sleep, even though I did not need it. I had an awful night of sleep and I woke up puffy and un happy that I took the xanax. I wanted to get the gunk out of my system and be healthy and happy for the new year. Then while I was rebounding Esther came 45 fucking minutes early for my mani or pedi. Or 15 minutes late. Depending on when she thought she was going to come. Either way she completely frustrated me and ruined my day because I wasn;t able to freshen up and make the bed after I jump and I wasn't even able to jump completely. So I had her just do a manicure, and a clear one at that. I could spit in her face I am so mad at what a crazy dingbat she is. I mean I really needed a pedicure, and now I must wait an extra week. She annoys me to no end that crazy woman. Then after an hour wait for noodles at the noodle shop I wanted to go to PB and I get into an epic fight where he becomes verbally abusive and just an absolute terror. It is times like these where I want to leave him. I want him to feel like the bigger man because he is a total petulant child and walk away. Move out and live his miserable little life elsewhere and never connect with another human the way he connects with me. How on earth am I going to get him to quit acting like that?
I have all these memories of him getting into my face and calling me a bitch, one inch from my face, or memories of him threatening me not to say the very thing that needs to be said. He threatens to leave and move out whenever we have a huge fight. He treats me like a child and gets in my face and he just becomes an utter nightmare. And what is worse he refutes every nice thing he said in the past when he gets like this.
So now one day into my week? I've taken xanax twice, had one huge life-threatening fight, skipped dance class, and practiced absolutely no yoga. I didn't even get to have a nice relaxing manicure and pedicure. I just simply do not understand how things do not go my way!
And of course all the bath oils and body exfoliants that I ordered last week are on delay and I've been refunded. Hoe utterly silly. What the fuck! Is mercury still in retrograde or something? No it isn't I just checked. Jesus Christ. Why does everything bad happen to me? And on the week that I'm getting my period when I am doubly sensitive and deserve only massages and yoga.
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I wish to purchase about 4500 dollars worth of shoes and dresses and shorts and tops and a summer hat from net a porter. And I cannot. It is making me anxious.
Don't you simply loathe that amateur therapist question of "and what if you did/or didn't do that, how would it make you feel/what would happen"? Well I wouldn't get what I wanted bitch! But I know that I must spend my money responsibly. That in order to be able to acquire the things I really desire I must be conscious of what I spend.
My hair stylist is out of town until the fourth and I am missing him so much right now. My hair is one stringy overgrown bang mess. My roots are starting to grow in and although I like the rooty umkempt look it works only with Jerome when he does my hair like a lion's mane. I look positively sexy with or without makeup when I get my hair done by him and right now I am living the hermetic life. Not that that is entirely due to my stringy hair - I am getting over PB's mother and brother staying with us for nine full days, hosting what I thought to be a disappointing Christmas cocktail party, cooking and hosting Christmas dinner for 6 people, his family and my folks, and having to put up with his mother, and having to endure yet another New Year's day dinner at Peter Luger with my folks. That place is seriously depressing and I simply will never be able to do it again.
So this week is a restoration of sorts for me. I have either yoga or dance class scheduled for every day this coming week with the exception of Tuesday, where I just might do some yoga on my own, but more likely no since my Monday dance class is in the evening and because of my schedule on Tuesday I would have to do yoga either early on Tuesday (say 10 am) or late (say 5:30 pm) so that might not happen. But I am planning on practicing yoga and going to dance class tomorrow. Only because I didn't practice yoga by myself today because I am a lazy git. And also because tomorrow evenings dance teacher is a sub and I don't think she will ride me as hard as my usual teacher. But maybe I can reschedule yoga for Tuesday, but there really isn't time... We shall see.
I have a bath waiting.
I still have xanax from the christmas stress and this would be my fifth night without taking it and I REALLY want to take some. I am still in the throes of a xanax hangover, that coupled with major PMS (until next Sunday) and I just want to relax. But I know it is not the best thing for my body and I was quite in fact very proud of myself, ringing in the new year with one last yoga session, and sans xanax.
I just tried to move my dance class to Tuesday but nothing is available. I really think I will be able to do yoga and dance tomorrow, seeing as I cannot fit it in on Tuesday. I would like to have my hair settle in a bit before I ruin it with a yoga session on Tuesday and I cannot plan on doing it in the morning because of the dance class the night previous. And there isn't time enough to move my hair appointment to arrange for yoga in the afternoon - it just won't work.
I'm getting a facial this week as well.
Happy New Year
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