23 and me
04-19-19 | 14:31
wow. Has it been like what, 4 years since my last post? I was looking through my old writing just now - mainly because I wanted to get a refresher of what I was like when I was 23 and 24 - and I was so taken by how similar 23 year old V is to 37 year old V. She's still in there working on the same shit just in a different way. Mid twenties V also knew herself really well. I think there was a time when I was in y late twenties to mid thirties where I lost myself and stopped knowing my self, or stopped paying attention.
Maybe this was part of the abuse from PB? I was thinking about him earlier today (to be perfectly honest I think about him incredibly often, at least every day) and how I don't think his disorders surfaced until he was in his mid to late twenties, when I met him at 24 he was unhinged to be sure but not a full blown monster like he was in his 30s, or even late 20s. I think the abuse started when I moved to Bedford. He took it upon himself to move in with me and it was then that he started to prey on me and my family and treat me like a nuisance. I'm trying to separate this by epochs, but it just isn't working. The abuse was like blood in veins, it circulated everywhere, affected every phase of our time together, getting worse and worse as the years went on.
I am still surprised that I woke up. That I woke up and took the action I did to change my life so completely and so thoroughly. There are some things that are the same (I'm still me) as I mentioned above, but I marvel still at my bravery, I marvel at it and yet it there was no choice in it - for me it was the only option. Only very recently have I been in a position where I have more than one option and that feels really good. Do I finish this masters and get a job or do I start that second masters that is waiting for me and stay in school for another 16 months? That's a good choice to have.
I get so anxious and sad. I am incredibly lonely and have minimal support from friends. That's been a real bummer in my life. And my romantic relationships as well. I mean it's not surprising, up until 3 years ago I was with someone for 14 years. So, while it hurts deeply that I am not with my person, and doubt I will ever be, it isn't a shock.
I have this sense of urgency in all that I do because I feel so bad about the 14 years of my life that I wasted. And lately, this feeling has begun to creep up on me, a growing tendril of pain, that maybe I deserve nothing good because of this time that I wasted. Like I missed a window, so many opportunities I did not take and now of course I am lonely and prospectless and alone. Like that makes total sense, it is what I deserve and what I am given.
My face feels different, I see my age, I feel my face fall into crinkles when I smile and I'm really self-conscious of it. I can no longer afford to treat my body haphazardly - that was quite a shock for me.
Advice to myself now and forever: speak up. Say what's on your mind, do not be worried about turning someone off. If you cannot properly articulate it, or you are feeling a feeling and words aren't coming - pause and put the story together in your head before you respond. If someone is worth responding to they will give you time to do so.
This is all coming up for me because of a 23 year old I just met.
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