04-14-14 | 18:20
When did I stop wishing? When did I cease to be excitable? I've found it very hard to have passion and I feel boring most of the time. And I really don't think I need to be. I scoff at antics I used to partake in yet my heart yearns for that kind of enthusiasm. Sometimes I feel as if I'm too old to be that enthused over everything. But really I don't trust myself. I just don't feel comfortable with myself and I'm not sure I ever did but I am so serious now and it stops me from being light at times. I am such a perfectionist and that also hiders me.
I don't surprise myself anymore. Nothing I do is spontaneous. I don't even get around to my to-do list. Everything is sprawled out in this apartment. Yes I am hormonal. But all these are symptoms. I can be ebullient with an old office desk and chair and a messy overstuffed office. I mean the very fact that our apartment had an office is incredible. It is me stopping myself.
Maybe I just need to be gentle, soft easy until the food allergies subside and my hormones quell a bit. Then I can go and reexamine.
If anything this is why it is important for me to not go off the rails. Why would I chose to gorge myself with pizza and doughnuts when I know it makes me sick for days?
Tonight is about taking it easy and allowing myself to wallow a bit.
Why is it I still feel excluded after all these years? I am not in high-school anymore. I am in my early thirties with a fiance for lord's sake. Yet when friends are in town and things were done and fun was had without me, I get all anxious and sad. Even when my Strawberry goes out without me I feel this way. But the clutch is that I don't particularly have a fun time when I go out. I don't like most of the high-school crowd. In fact I like one person and loathe everyone else. I know for a fact I would not have a fun time if I was out with that group. Aside from knowing I;m not liked I would just not have fun, I've never had fun with those people, And Strawberries usual and some of his unusual people - I most often don't have a fun time with them either.
So it is me. I know that. But what of it? What kind of fun do I have? When do I enjoy myself? Is it a confidence things? Perhaps sometimes. Can it be just as simple as I wan't included in much of anything when I was a little one so I have a sore spot for not being included in things presently? When do I enjoy myself? When conversation is possible - not too loud. When it is even slightly interesting, when people are flirty and fun, when there is a definite spot and not meaningless meandering to multiple places to meet multiple things. When the gathering is not too small but small enough to be manageable. When the people want me there. Maybe I am too pushy? I really don't know the answers to these questions. What I do know is that I am tired of being butt-hurt from being excluded. I feel like I am taken advantage of, people forgot about me when it isn't convenient for them. It happened today with Strawberry. But maybe that is just my sensitivity again. I am just upset and sick of not being included, sick of one way responses, sick of not being kept in the loop. Jealous. That is what I am, I am jealous.
My percocet just kicked in. Goodnight.
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Yesterday I resumed my yoga practice for the first time in eight weeks. Then I went to John Barrett with Bubble in tow and had my hair washed and styled. Then I went to the church of Mary and got myself all pretty. Then I went home and was practically dizzy from not eating so i had a late lunch. I guess I had forgotten when happens when I practice yoga and how I need to eat a banana or a hard boiled egg or a salad before two o'clock or I get all shaky and dizzy. Then I had dinner plans with C. It was such fun to see her. She and I really bonded last night and I feel that our friendship has solidified even if it is in its infancy. We each shared intense personal information and still managed to enjoy ourselves. I am excited to see her again. And relived that I can be myself around her.
This morning I woke up early, despite going to be late and being rawther tired. Esther came over and did my nails, then I rebounded while I watched The Soup. After that PB and I took Bubble out for a walk and came back to the apartment, fed her and then hopped out in the humid icky rainy weather to get brunch! We went back to Red Farm, which has fabulous, imaginative and tasty dim sum. We had pastrami egg rolls, crispy duck and crab dumplings, shuami shooters with a ginger carrot soup, steamed lobster rolls with olive, pepper and spicy mushrooms and lastly some delicious pan-fried pork buns with scallions and roasted red pepper. 'Twas heaven. I had a really fun time with PB as well. We spoke as if we were just getting to know each other but we were seriously comfortable with one another and could stand some silent moments as well as give way to laughter easily. It reminded me of when we were first dating. Then we decided to walk south on Hudson to digest the divine meal we just had, and then we turned and walked north on West Street and chatted about all the old forgotten storefronts and business on the stretch of West Street from Morton to Jane. Then we went to Cafe Gitane at the Jane hotel and had hot chocolate and held hands. Now I am home and after cleaning up a little I decided to write this entry.
I don't want to get too intense in this entry as I lately want to do. Instead perhaps I ought to write a short list of some things I love about myself!
In five minutes I can think of the following:
I have beautiful hands and cherry drop red painted fingernails that are oval shaped and just the right amount of long, my hands say "she has someone to clean her bathroom" I luxurious hands
Vast knowledge of New York City history from 1851 to 1980
I have excellent discerning taste
I am a wonderful and caring and intuitive pet-mama
I am a very tidy person
Whew! I ought to write one new thing a day and expound upon it.
Yesterday I bought a bunch of body language reading books, as well as NLP books. I want to be a conversational maven in no time!
Of course there are two downsides that I'm dealing with right now:
difficulty in my relationship with PB
But looking back on my life over the past ten years (!) - when have I even had "enough" money and when have things between PB and I been easy and simple?
OK lastly, a totally jumbled list of what I want out of May 2012.
I want to practice yoga 4 times a week, so sixteen sessions for this month. I want to start wearing my invisalign braces so I can finally start talking without my slight lisp and gain the self-confidence that straight teeth will give me. Also it will be very nice not to grind my jaw during sleep and to have a more mature speaking voice.
I want enough money this month to have a positive account balance by the 31st. I want to finish a book, either the Viral Storm, the Neoliberalism book. I want to have a good start to my summer classes. I want to have enough energy to walk Plum twice a day, practice yoga, do school work and have time to laugh and be silly, and have a good night of sleep. I want to see C and become better friends with her. I want to take more photos of myself. I want to finish Spring cleaning and to transfer my winter clothes and bring out my Spring/Summer clothes. I want to eat healthier, or healthier than I have been eating, I want to eat nachos only once every two weeks at the most, and to get salads or healthy sandwiches most every day for lunch. I also want to eat less meat/chicken. I want to complete my physical and PPD so I can resume my application for the csc.
That is all.
Bisoux & blessings!