On a lighter note...
11-09-11 | 16:56

I'm officially a big girl now. A Woman, an adult. My brother and sister-in-law were married with a baby by the time they reached my age. I've had a hard time of it as of late. I haven't been writing, not meditating and not much yoga. I t is so important to my well being to stick with my routine. When I do everything in my life goes smoothly, and I am pretty satisfied and sleep well at night. I've also been sick, just some terrible colds, but the worst of it happened ON my birthday. So I spent halloween and my birthday home nursing my fever. Right now the best thing for me to do is to set time aside to cook and do yoga and write and to meditate. But that is what I wrote/lamented about in my last entry -----> keeping my balance when the people in my life get shitty.
So here are some things that I found special about today and the last few days:

Hugs, Treats, and Kisses!

0 comments so far

You, you, you, you, you
10-01-11 | 11:17

October first. Last night I took an ambien to help me fall asleep. I keep playing the same reels in my mind; me home alone, bed to myself, sound asleep, waking up refreshed and waking up early so I can go about my day in peace and enjoyment. So I took an ambien so at least I wouldn't be woken up by PB's tossing and turning and sleep mutters. Now I have a bit of an ambien hangover. Well rested, but tired at the core and a little hazy as if my face is in a cloud. I woke up well, and that is what I really wanted.
I did my rebounding, made the bed, PB and I walked Blubble and she had a very good walk, sometimes she tuga on her leash and is either not interested in walking or wants to go another route. This morning however, she was very well behaved.
I'm drinking my green juice and waiting for Esther to come do my nails. It is always a bet with Esther, because she is a bit round the bend and forgets times or dates PB and I always make a bet on when/if she is going to arrive. This morning I'm betting on time. PB is betting late, ten minutes or past. Only Esther can set us free! I'm having a manucure only because I am waiting to have a pedicure for right before I go to Las Vegas. Yoga (those up-dogs to down-dogs toe flip) wreak havoc on my toes, always chipping the polish off my big toes. I plan on doing yoga ten times before my trip to Vegas (in two weeks). R and I are going together. Total girl vacation. No stress, no responsibilities, just Agent Pepper and Agent Sharp together at last. This is our long awaited honeymoon. We are staying in a suite at the Wynn that is larger than my already pretty large 2 bedroom apartment. We are going to eat at some great resturants, see silly shows, lounge out by the pool, get spa treatments, drink Krug, lounge about, go to decadent and silly nightclubs! I am super excited. And I'll be flying Virgin America first class, my excitement for this alone belies my Queens middle-class origins.

Post Esther, typing my latent thoughts with wet cherry-red nails.

My only worry is that I won't get to spend Halloween with R in NOLA. I know I planned it and told her about it, but the thought isn't very appealing to me. I have some delightful things and some smiteful things.



Looking at my list I see the only reason to go is to see my dear, dear R and I think there are too many obstacles blocking that, especially given that she and I will have total girl time honeymoon in two weeks.

The rest of the day will be peppered with some yoga - I really have to push myself -, perhaps making a red wine chocolate cake - I've been wanting to make this particular cake for two weeks now -, and maybe making a big bountiful salad to much on during lunch. I have Bob Ross shows to watch and trashy reality to dive into. PB wants to go to a photography show this evening but something that he doesn't understand, and I don't think he ever will - when I am not "done up" I don't feel like presenting myself outside. Sure I'll walt the dog, but to go out to a gallery on a Saturday night? My hair is a bunch of snarlballs, my face is very tired looking and I've deep circles under my eyes. I don't feel presentable. And I fear that he takes my saying no and choosing to stay inside inside as something inherently negative and me not wanting to do things with him, because he SO RARELY suggests things to do. And now a simple invite to a silly photography show has become a thing of ultimate stress. I hope we don't argue over this one, or I hope he doesn't get down-hearted when I say no and fear that Ill never go with him to anything ever again, and I hope that he doesn't try and convince me in his signature way, by utterly dismissing anything I wish to do and scrapping it for what he wants to do.

Going to start some Bob Ross watching.

0 comments so far

Candy Apples
09-29-11 | 16:24

I will be thirty in thirty-three days. It strikes me as kind of funny that I cannot vividly recall the past year. I know my birthday last year was a bust. I know Christmas was fun, but in day-to-day life, was I happy? I'm not sure. PB and I are still together (eight years) and I think I am starting to see clearly how living with someone who is manic depressive takes its toll on me. I've never been one who can bounce back easily from upset, and I've let our upset impact my life so much that I haven't moved forward on my own yet. I'm with someone who right now needs to be carried during a time when I need all the motivation I can muster. I need to be going forward without any concern on his part. I am responsible for my own happiness, and he for his. But these past few years I've been doing the work for two people and that has held me back immensely. I've become irritable and at times bitter about it. This is not who I want to be. I've searched for answers and ways of living in the cheesiest of self-help books and I am still here. I don't want to leave him, so I've only one thing I can do. Stop letting his shit affect me. I don't know what will happen with us. Sometimes I do feel better when he is not around, as one of his ex-girl's once said to him. But I'm not ready to leave him. I just don't want to get to the place where I know I'm unhappy and I am too scared to leave him. I need to stay true to what I want to do and stop expecting him to be the person I want him to be.
I am not nearly as sad as I was in Bedford in 06 and 07. In fact, despite the difficulty in my relationship with PB I am rather happy. I know myself so very well and have developed such a deep friendship with R (thirteen years and counting) and am so committed to my yoga practice and taking care of my body and treating it right with lots of massages and warm baths, and so dearly taking care of my little pet, Plum (aka, Bubble), and cooking, and going to delicious resturants that my deep sadness in 06 and 07 actually shocks me.
I've allowed myself to be more open and a lot less self-critical. I still get the itch sometimes but for the most part I am aware of it and slowly allowing myself to be as I am, and making sure to remember that enjoyment is the number one thing.
Thank you dear void for listening.

1 comments so far

05-05-12 - Smooches!
11-09-11 - On a lighter note...
10-01-11 - You, you, you, you, you
09-29-11 - Candy Apples
01-09-11 - Echo fell in love with Narcissus