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09-04-06 | 18:40

Because even if that was just him ringing my phone, and not my mother I wouldn't have felt any better because the situation is still the same. he cannot provide me the security that I want and need, I can't trust him in the way that I want to. he feels trapped and doesn't want as intense a relationship. He hung up on me. he didn't want to talk to me for a month, or a week, does it even matter?
I need to not cry. I need to stop crying. I need to not think about Christmas, or about my birthday, or about the trip we were going to take. I cannot think about how I am losing my best friend. I don't want him to know how weak I actually am. And if I call him back, as I so want to do - he will know, and he doesn't really care anyway, so what difference would it make?
I need to shake it off, remember that he is not in love with me, remember that he told me that he flirts with his friends, not be the one left behind. But God my life feels empty. How did this happen? How did this happen that he has friends to have dinner tonight (flirty friends) and I have no one? I have my fucking mother calling me.

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I found out
09-04-06 | 11:41

More PB drama.
Yesterday evening while the sun was setting, in the tranquil quiet of St. Lukes church yard among the trees and crickets and lavender away from the busy Avenue we sat on a bench in a secluded corner by the rectory. The choir was singing beautiful sounds and there was a soft breeze. It was in this setting that PB told me that he is not in love with me.
He doesn't need to be alone, as he had previously stressed, over and over again - he needs to be away from me.
He is so shitty. Why am I even with him when he treats me like this? I wrote a previous entry but it got erased by my accidental press of the 'back' button, and the first entry was softer and sad, but now I'm just pissed off. Who the fuck is he? It wasn't like the relationship was love and roses, he has always been selfish and thoughtless. He told me that he doesn't want to owe me anything. Because I guess to him spending time with the one you love and taking care of the person equals out to owing them something.
He doesn't want any responsibilities, he doesn't want any seriousness, he doesn't want me.
He needs to get his fucking shit together, and he has had such time to do so and hasn't. What a waste. I am done feeling bad for him. I'm not someone who is just going to be tossed aside in this manner and wait for him until he works out whatever the fuck is wrong with him this month and then gets back to me when he feels better.
I have never been the person that wasn't wanted, and yesterday I was, and it feels so humiliating, I felt so foolish - foolish to not know, but how should I have known when he wasn't straight with me?
I called him a coward, and I wasn't sure why but I think because to take his shit out on me is cowardly. If I'd have behaved like he has been he would be so mad at me.


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