Echo fell in love with Narcissus
01-09-11 | 23:00

The hormone surge has passed and left me in mild pain and discomfort. And the niggling dread and desire to consume, be it food, or products, or clothes has quieted some. I think that was mainly because I saw my mother today and realized I am not in trouble. That is how twisted my relationship with her has become. I live the life of some wayward teenager who has since been cut off.

We went to Queens today, to some mildly terrible Italian restaurant, to celebrate my father's birthday. It was actually a good time. My father irked me a little bit, his inability to be articulate, and the fact that he sometimes spits when he talks. But maybe those characteristics bother me because I often see them in myself. If I am not careful when I talk I will get overly excited and spit a little, and oftentimes I will speak before I think and it leads to words not making sense and the sentence and the concept I wished to express will have crumbled. I digress, it was a good time because my father, although he was slightly anxious, and even though my mother got a little tipsy and started to annoy me I handled it well. And PB had a good time and we laughed a bunch, so I guess all-in-all the day was good.

I cancelled my dance class, because my shoulder still hurts from my yoga injury. I was able to rebound today, so that is a plus. I've added five minutes to my rebounding, so now I jump for a total of twenty-five minutes per day. I told my dance teacher that I hurt my ankle and that I shall reschedule with her sometime next week, which also means that I must cancel out of tomorrow's class as well. This is fine and good for me, but I have a little anxiety about making up my classes. It all happened when the studio was shut down for the snow storm. My class was cancelled and then my schedule spiraled out from there. Oh boy.

I shall practice yoga myself tomorrow, and maybe even on Tuesday whilst my mother is getting a massage. I ordered an in-home massage for my mother as a Christmas gift, and since for some reason my father doesn't like it when the masseuse comes to their apartment, I offered up my apartment for her to use. It is a 90 minute massage, plenty of time for me to practice in the back room and cool off before she is finished. So if I do yoga tomorrow and Tuesday, then I can practice on the weekend as well and I shall be caught up. Sometimes I feel that my life as I live it is one big catch-up. It makes me dizzy and I bore myself just thinking about it.

I've already made up lies about how mant credits I am taking this coming semester. I will withdraw from one class and get the money and open a small account, possibly two classes, but the thing is - there are two classes that I truly wish to take, so if I withdraw from two I shall have a substantial amount of money, but then I can't attend the class. But then I have a yoga bill to pay for and I just know that my mother will be none too pleased with the dry cleaning bill that she will see at the ends of the month. And there is the bill for the flowers that one is breathing down my neck and I am thinking about it. Then of course there is the maintenance that is required to be moi. I use moi to appear cute and coquettish, but it ends up being revolting.

My self-loathing is just flowing this evening. Sheesh.

Tomorrow I must go to the pharmacy and pick up a prescription and a couple of toiletries, and while I am there I shall stop by the grocery store (Citarella) and get some items for the coming week. I have a real hankering to bake some gingerbread and I have three recipes to try from. One is the Domestic Goddess Nigella Lawson one that I;ve made once or twice before, another is from a food blog that I read but this cake is not flat, it is a bundt, but I think I shall try it as a loaf and see what happens, the third is from the same food blog but it is an upside-down apple gingerbread cake; you make a sweet caramel sauce and drip in on the bottom of the cake tin and place the peeled and sliced apples over that and then the gingerbread mixture over that. The deep gingerbread bundt cake recipe looks the best to me, so I shall start there. I've just such a hankering for the dense sticky, not too sweet taste of fresh homemade gingerbread.

Last night a kiss from PB flowed into a sensual, passionate and love filled romp on the sofa. I haven't felt that way in quite some time and it was pure bliss. It was his taste, his smell that enthralled me and it was lovely. This morning I woke up and we cuddled for a while and as my head lay on his chest and I looked out the window I felt a hint of Spring and felt hopeful. Spring is when the sun comes out again and you can sit in the park with a book and wear sweaters and rain coats and partake in restaurant outside seating, it is a time when you can walk around for hours and tuck into little shops and cafes without searching or worrying about a taxi.

I have less anxiety about the Barbados trip. Mostly because PB paid for the hotel already. I shall deal with the Jetblues and hopefully my folks will be able to stay with Plum for at least two of the three nights. And We can have the dog sitter with her in the daytime, while they are at work. I think I will ask during lunch on Saturday or maybe the next lunch...

I think for the past two nights I've been grinding my teethe in my sleep. I wake up with my teeth hurting and my mouth terribly, terribly dry. My lips were also a little chapped.

Last night I was having a real intense dream and I started to cry in the dream, not because of sadness but because of joy I think and Kelly woke me up because I was whimpering in real life and he thought what I dreamt about was sad. It was strange rather than sad. I was in some weird Terry Gilliam world where I had a baby that was just a bean or a stuffed toy or something and there were judges who were to decide whether to keep the bean baby alive and they voted yes and I was so relived and happy. What a fucked up mind I have. I cannot even begin to imagine how to interrupt that dream. I feel guilty for having that dream, how bizarre is that one? What connections are there to that in my mind and my life? I guess I feel guilty for just about everything I do. For the life I live on a macro scale and the fact that I don't want to change it even though changing it will benefit me immensely. I feel guilty for all the complex layers of lies that I create in my family, and in my social life, and even to my therapist. I lied to her about school. The lies in my social life are the worst, not because they cover up some malice on my end but because they create action and interest. Without them my life, being a mommy to Plum and watching shows while I cook and work out would be just that. Maybe I could add that I am always ambling about the apartment tidying up here and there. But outside of that and my school classes I am... I cannot finish that sentence, for I truly don't know what word to use. Ahh, I am utterly self-involved! To the point of boredom, I know of no other way to be, for I've never been busy enough to be anything else. I've never had to be, I've never been pushed or expected to be. And now here I am just me.
And I am running out of patience.

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01-08-11 | 20:48

I have been so stressed out about money lately.

I am actively trying not to think about it.

From Monday to today a whole world of change. PB and I are, of course, no longer fighting, and he and I spoke about how he is prone to anger quicker than I am an dhow when he does get angry he says awful things.

We planned a trip to Barbados in February! We are going in the end of February and it will be very nice. It will be the fourth trip we ever took together and the second good trip we took together. Getting away somewhere warm just the two of us, to a place we've never been. It will be romantic and since we are staying at a small boutique hotel and since we are splitting it, the trip will be inexpensive and just loverly.

I feel so restricted, and also so out of place. Maybe that is just the hormones talking, maybe I shouldn't write when I am crazy with the hormones.

My fella is playing Oblivion and I just made a delish ginger fried rice. You mince ginger and garlic, equal parts and fry in some peanut oil until it gets nice and crispy, strain and let drain on a paper towel. Then put in four thinly sliced leeks in the pan and let wilt for ten minutes, add thawed or fresh peas, and your cooked jasmine rice, add four lightly beaten eggs and scramble together. To serve add some soy sauce and som sesame oil and sprinkle the little gingers and garlic.

I am starting to get back into my routine again. WHich is good and healthy for me.

On Tuesday I am meeting with my dentist and his nutritionist, it will be exciting to hear what the nutritionist recommends for my diet.

We are having a few people over for dinner in two weeks, as well as being invited to a birthday party. Because I am so hormonal and dense right now the thought of these social outings scare me. My feelings are all out there, and then my anxiety comes out. I must look perfect. I have to have my hair done, and my makeup done for at least the birthday party. What am I going to wear? And then I want to buy new clothes and I just keep tumbling. I know it is a symptom of anxiety but what causes the anxiety? Maybe feelings of self-loathing brought on by a depressive father as well as the fact that I never pushed myself to do anything outside of my comfort zone. whenever I challenged myself in the past I knew I had a cushion to land on and I now that cushion is going away and I don't have anything for myself. So yeah, that is why I am anxious. I am desperately holding onto the past comforts and the past ways of living in order to avoid the present and in doing so I am damaging my life as it is currently and hindering my chances in the future. So that is why I hold on to appearances and being perfect, because things on the inside are changing and I am resisting that change with every fibre of my being and by doing so I am running out of chances. No that last sentiment was something my father taught me; Rather, by doing so I am damaging my present and making it more difficult to change anything for later.

I think I always feel this way but when I am hormonal and vulnerable i wear these insecurities on my sleeve, and it makes it difficult to socialize and do simple, everyday tasks.

And of course the self-loathing comes from many things, but mostly, or most strongly, it comes from the fact that I must do so much in order to feel "all-right", I need so much work in order to maintain and sometimes it is seriously exhausting.

PB really balances me out. I truly think without him I would have spiraled out into various addictions and obsessions. Sure my apartment would be cleaner and "safer" and sure I would probably have rock hard abs from exercising all day, or I might have devolved into a junkie, or just lost all motivation, or maybe I would have continued to binge day and night. I've reduced one of these "habits" down to nothing and the rest I am working on maintaining or getting rid of in a healthy way. All thanks to the companionship and love from this relationship.

I love you PB, thank you.

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