Complete longing
06-27-07 | 20:20

I miss PB so much right now I can hardly move and my throat hurts Iíve been crying so hard. Why doesnít he want to be with me? The hurt and pain I feel is so complete and all around I cannot even begin to process it. I feel like Iíll never fall in love again, and that Iíll never get over him and that losing him was losing the most important relationship in my life. How can he just want to be friends with me? How can he be in love with me and not want to be with me, not want to be mine, not want me to be his? If we ran away together would things be different? I just cannot get use to being this extra in his life when I was the supporting character for so long, as he was mine. We created universes together and where are they now? Are they just hanging in some other dimension somewhere waiting to be picked up again by another relationship? It is nearly impossible to not consider him my best friend and to be alone. And I miss him so much more than he misses me; it is evident in the words heís said to me. I feel wretched. I want to be in love with him and stare into his face and feel like I am floating and spend the hazy summer afternoons in bed with him and to come out in the evenings looking ravaged with our hands in each others jean pockets. I want to spend the days in Central Park with my head in his lap reading and drinking lemonade. I want to spend hot late summer rainstorms with him tucked away in cool, dark movie theaters. He wants to be associable. With his removable faux gold tooth and camera slung across his chest, flirting with girls and letting them have him. Giving away that face he makes right before he is about to climax, that infinitely personal and passionate face, for anyone to see. His bite, his tongue, his sighs. They are no longer mine. I miss my best friend and my lover. I miss the man that cracked my toes and went down on me in the shower. I miss the man who used to listen so intensely while I told him the details of what I ate that day and who would spoon me tightly at the end of the day. I miss him telling me that everything will be OK after an argument. I miss so much knowing that no matter what hardships we faced that we would face them together. How could he have said those things to me? He didnít mean them. I miss trusting him. I miss laughing and being friendly with him and having it turn lustful in less than ten seconds. I miss his hairy legs.
I miss him holding me when I was angry for no reason and failing around. He always calmed me down. He was the only one. Who was he making that flirty face to?

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