Heartless Bastard
09-03-07 | 11:26

I've been feeling like poop lately. I need glasses to read. So I haven't been reading lately because I cannot see. Loss of vision be it near or far is a scary thing. I can read a small paragraph before my vision starts to get blurry and I can no longer see.
This weekend was crap. Friday night surrounded by couples and R's inconsideration. Saturday, Ann cancelled on me - more thoughtlessness.
Yesterday PB phoned both cell and home phones, texted me and emailed me. Not even waiting a day for me to respond when I arrived home from the gym I peeked 'round the corner and lo and behold there he was waiting in front of my apartment building for me. I snuck through the courtyard and called K for guidance. Thank goodness my neighbor was doing laundry and overheard my conversation and offered to peek through the door to see if PB was starting into the building, which he wasn't, I thanked neighbor and went upstairs. One more ring of the bell and I assume he gave up. An hour later I looked out the window and he was gone. He never even explained why he wanted to talk to me, did not even leave a note when he stopped by. What kind of selfish prick doesn't even give a person a day to respond before performing a stake out of her apartment? It was on his time, he wanted to talk to me when he felt like it and when I didn't respond (all of four hours) he decided to see me. No word for two weeks and suddenly he simply must see and/or talk with me? Doesn't even have the decency to explain why so I know what is coming? He didn't even leave a note when he stopped by. why does he do this? He plants himself in my head and yesterday, when I finally peeked out the window I was slightly disappointed to not see him. Selfish bastard did that to me by stopping by in the first place. and now I am left wondering what he had to say that was so important as to merit a surprise ambush at my apartment. It must not have been important enough as to explain why he had to talk to me otherwise he would have left a message or a note. It was all him. His desire to see me so he had to violate my security and privacy without even a reason. and have I heard from him since? Any other email or text or message? If I did not come home and see him I would not even have known that he came by, how creepy is that? That fact alone leads me to believe that perhaps he has been outside my apartment other times.
The worst part of all of this, besides his massive amount of selfishness which proves that he hasn't changed one bit is that now I am thinking of him all over again. In just two weeks I managed to get at least a iota of perspective on this whole mess and separate myself from him and now here I am thinking about him. The sight of him, even from a distance and in profile made me want to fall into his arms and nuzzle his neck. I would walk down the street and think about how wonderful it would be if he ran up from behind and lifted me up, how the wind would blow and we would both laugh and smile, yanked back to reality by a car horn or the strong smell on seventh avenue and I would realize that that will never happen and if it did I would frown and yell at him for running up to me. No maybe the worst thing, far worse than his selfishness is the fact that he is not aware of his selfish behavior. He seems to think that it is OK to stop by if I don't return his out of the blue demanding phone calls. That it was my fault for not being 'open-minded' enough to be in a no responsibility required relationship.
What could he possibly want? To tell me that he has met someone and is leaving town. To tell me that he is moving for work related reasons. To tell me that he wants me back. To tell me that he needs my friendship.
Fuck if I know, and for my own personal well being I must not and cannot and simply do not care.

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