Live It, Learn It
05-27-08 | 12:29

Why does diaryland list me as not having updated for 72 days?
Well, I made the wrong choices for Sunday. Last I wrote I was enjoying my happy-fun nachos and reading, looking forward to seeing R and her fella whom I dislike but you know - not hanging out with PB. I meet R at this Japanese restaurant on Stuyvesant Street. I forgot what a terrible bore she is when she is hosting guests. She treats ANYONE from out of town - be it Westchester of Idaho - as if they don’t know a thing about the big apple and it is her responsibility to watch them and make sure she has a good time. It drives me up the wall. Every five minutes she asks me “Are you all right?”, Are you all right?”, Are you all right?” I finally told her that if she asks me one more time if I am all right I won’t be all right. She got the message and cooled down a bit. So we went to the Japanese place because her guests, her fella and two old friends from college never ate at a place like this. When she looked at me apologetically and said, “They never did this before.” I said, “What, eat food?”
When she has out of town guests she exhausts herself with showing people the town and telling them over and over again what they enjoy instead of simply letting them be. She treats her guests like elementary school children on a trip to Washington D.C.: “Oh, don’t eat that”, “Ooh, look at that - see? You like that.”, “This is Sushi, at this place all the dishes are small so that[‘s not an appetizer.”, “Look at Coney Island!”. One of her college friends actually thought the small dishes were appetizers.
So long story short it was incredibly tedious to be with her when she is entertaining and she totally forgets her New York friends whom she hardly sees, that may be the most infuriating part of her behavior. So of course twenty minutes into this ordeal I start text messaging PB and learn that he is at Happy Endings with his buddies. I decide to ditch the tour guide and meet PB. Before I leave I learn that some New York friends are getting together with R and her charges so I ask her to call me when that happens. My plan was to hang out with PB, have R call me in an hour or so and then see people whom I enjoy and see far too infrequently.
Hanging out with PB was not the easiest thing. I was still angry with him and we didn’t clear up our mess until yesterday afternoon, but I enjoyed myself better than watching R babysit. Then, no surprise - R never calls. I phoned her yesterday and left an angry message to which she immediately phoned back and apologized - apparently she thought I was to call her. She sounded so exhausted I almost felt bad for her. We had plans to hang out today but guess what? Her charges decided to stay an extra day. I am so angry with her that I had a hard time going to sleep last night. How can you not make solid plans with your best friend who you NEVER see, yet allow people who you see often take over your life for an unknown amount of time?
I started the entry thinking that I ought to have stayed with R and her charges on Sunday night and that I made the wrong choice to see PB and miss out on seeing some old friends but after this frustrated tirade I realized I made the correct choice. I wouldn’t give up the two am stroll across town that PB and I shared for the world.
Now? Now I have a beauty appointment that I’ll walk to - nice long walk in a breezy dress from Geminola, along with my iPod. After that I’ll walk myself home working up an appetite for my homemade macaroni and cheese, and finally finish The Fountainhead, maybe watch Diary of a Lost Girl or some other silent film that I ordered from Netflix.

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The Way It Ought To Be
05-25-08 | 20:41

So, where was I?
Oh yes, saying no to watching PB and his pal make “music” on the computer. After that I curled up in my comfy chair by the window and let the sun wash over me, Bubble in my lap. Then I called my Gianni and went to Barneys and had my makeup done. Feeling more confidant I went home, ready to go out and hang with PB’s fellas. Perfect timing, because when I arrived home PB phoned and invited me to meet with him. I met him at Liquiteria. He was sitting on the bench very relaxed looking and didn’t get up right away to greet me properly. After I had to bend down to kiss him I asked him to come with me to get a juice. He also told me of a party in Brooklyn in a park that costs eight dollars. Earlier in the day he told me that he will not go anywhere where there is a cover. He also refused to give me the money for the entry fee to the “party” in the park but bought me my green juice. When his friend Larry showed up and we started walking toward Larry’s house - well it as then I realized they were on drugs.
“Are you high?” I barley whispered
“Yes” he jauntily replied, “On coco”.
Jesus fucking Christ was my gut response. It’s six o’clock in the evening and you’re hanging out at your friends house, not at the club. I felt excluded right away, like it was me and him and his friend together where it ought to have been him and me vs. everyone else, like he likes to tell me all the time - ”We’re on the same team”. Ya, I don’t think so. It is inferred that we are walking back to Larry’s house so I can be on the “coco”, and when I don’t partake eyebrows are raised. Doesn’t he know that once I start I cannot stop? What psychic part of me thought of this very situation while I was walking over to Liquiteria? Then I find out that the “coco” is the very same that OB promised to share with me and only me. He is so weak.
When I refuse the two boys want to head over to Brooklyn to go to the eight dollar park party and it is then that I realize I can go in one of two directions. I can go to the lame ass party and be high on cocaine or I can go my own way and maybe see my best girl R or spend tonight alone. I decide that later and I’ll be damed in PB isn’t mad as hell about it. He excuses us from Larry’s house and we “talk” in the courtyard and he tells me how disappointed he is in me and how he “fights tooth and nail” (WTF?) for me to hang out with his friends and how I am hurting his feelings, blah. blah, blah. I simply tell him that I would rather not partake in what he plans for the night and remind him of how last night he promised me that we would take a walk together and be alone together outside. Apparently he thought that was just a maybe.
When I leave he doesn’t lean over to give me a proper sendoff but just stands there like he is expecting something, and of course Larry is standing there and it is implied that I am the asshole when he is the selfish one.
I was so angry on the walk home that I stopped at Gotham and had a glass of Barolo. And of course no call from him.
I may see R tonight but on the walk home when I reached Beach Bum Tans flashing neon sign on Seventh Avenue and Fourth Street I realized that this is fitting, this is me and this is the way it ought to be. I got some nachos at Burritoville and decided to write this post before I ate them. I’ll eat them and read The Fountainhead and wait for R to ring me and then freshen up and meet her. I feel like I’ve come full circle but in a good way. My life now has a purpose and I am so grateful for it.
PB can be damed.

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05-25-08 | 14:42

I’ve been a PMS Queen for the past few days. Wanting to see PB, but getting upset at him for every little thing. I also have allergies and my left eyelid is swollen and itchy, and I am sneezing a lot. PB is hanging out with a buddy of his and when I called to say hello he asked me if I wanted t go out wit the fellas tonight. I of course do want to go out, but my eye is all swollen and I am not going to put makeup on my face when my face needs to breathe and not have makeup on it. PB didn’t even ask me about my eye, then he wanted me to make reservations at PDT for tonight. Uhh, he could look it up online just as easily as I can. He didn’t ask me about my eye, he didn’t ask me about going to PDT tonight. I know I am being majorly irrational but I cannot help it.
This seems like the first beautiful day all Month and I am spending it fat and alone.
I am such a whiny wretch.
PB just called me and invited me to hang out with him and his pal, but I said no.

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The time of my life?
05-22-08 | 20:30

I think something fairly large and fairly important happened today. Well, not happened exactly, but the course was set in motion and for the first time in my life I know that the result, the outcome will be positive if I work at it. The thrill of gaining control of one’s own life is such a wonderful freeing feeling. But I may be getting too ahead of myself, so I will take things slowly and be aware of how lucky I am.
PB is having an after work beer then he is on his way of coming over here. I didn’t think he was coming over tonight so I took a long steamy shower, deep conditioned my hair with a jasmine hair mask and tried on clothes and shoes from my closet whilst listening to the music from My Fair Lady. If I were a man I would most certainly be gay.
When PB told me he was coming over I immediately changed from raggy pajamas with the legs tucked into big white comfy socks and am now wearing a navy silk nightgown. Slightly less warm and comfortable but PB has seen me in nothing but raggy pajamas with the legs tucked into the socks for two weeks now so I want to look a little put together, then I thanked myself for using the jasmine hair mask because my hair is very full and soft and smells loverly.
Drinking grappa listening to MGMT Time To Pretend writing this entry until he arrives. I cannot believe I got this music from watching Gossip Girl. The choice of music on that show is quite good actually, or maybe I have the music taste of a seventeen year old.
I’m debating what to wear to my friend R’s party (gathering?) tomorrow night. I think it is going to be casual but I want to dress well and look gorgeous but not too done up, and because of the chilly weather I am in a bit of a bind for what to wear. Oh, I’m sure I’ll find something.

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05-20-08 | 19:15

Another day has gone by, another day spent inside eating pasta and finishing my jar of Nutella, killed it in twenty-four hours, somewhere I’ve broken a record.
PB sleptover last night, worked from home ll ay and we spent this rainy winter like day on opposite ends of the sofa, he working and making calls, me reading and playing with Bubble. It was a day. Errands delayed. Now it is winding down and I feel that I will do the dishes and then off to read some more.
I phoned my therapist to move my appointment with her and she seemed annoyed. For a couple of months I stopped going to therapy then I resumed and made an appointment with her, of course I had to cancel when I got sick, I cancelled again when I still didn’t feel better and so I called today with twenty-four hours advance notice asking to move my appointment. She was in a rotten stressed out mood when she answered and on another phone with someone I can only assume to be a service provider because her end of the conversation sounded frustrated and unhappy. When I spoke to her she was rushed and said “all this canceling” or something along those lines. Then she told me how she planned her entire schedule around my appointment and told me how she had no availability whatsoever for Thursday. I think I am going to bring this situation up with her in session tomorrow afternoon. Firstly, I have not been canceling as a way to avoid going, I’ve been canceling because I’ve been unable to leave the apartment and unable to talk due to a sore throat and I’ve been canceling with the requisite twenty-four advance notice. Secondly, I should not be made to feel responsible to cancel. A therapist cannot say “this is your time do what you like with it” and slide in a guilt inducing statement (“I’ve ordered my entire schedule around your session.”) without expecting to be called out for it. I honestly don’t care, nor should I care how she schedules her day it is not my business and as long as I remain in contact and show respect by giving enough notice for changing appointment time I should be received with future available times and nothing else.

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Come out on top
05-19-08 | 15:25

Sitting at home, convalescing, reading The Fountianhead for the third time, when it dawned on my a desire to write. A desire to feel my fingers type on the keys of my laptop. I’ve nothing special to write about - I’ve been outta commission for Lord knows how long and I know I lost whatever small number of readers I previously had. I am coming round from a pretty terrible cold. I was ill for an entire week with fever, sore throat and a horrendous cough that ended with the loss of my voice. I’ve been home for an entire week and now that I’m feeling better I can focus n reading. I watched an entire season of The Antiques Roadshow on iTunes. That show is so soothing to watch.
PB and I are still together, happily.
Gushy adorable couple example #1: On Thursday I awoke with an inexplainable craving for a Blue Ribbon BLT. Fresh baked bread, thick cut bacon, red juicy tomatoes, sharp crunchy lettuce and creamy homemade mayonnaise was all I could think about. Unfortunately because of the torrential rain and my fever I could not go outside to satisfy my craving. I mentioned said craving to PB once during the course of the day in passing via text message. He arrives to my apartment late with a brown paper bag concealing a freshly made Blue Ribbon BLT. The wonderful part is that he got the bakery to make me a sandwich when dinner was being served. He told me that he went to the bakery and asked if it is too late to make a sandwich, he was told yes and is response was “even for a sick girl at home?” He made my week with that BLT.
Gosh, I’m simple.
It is turning out to be a lovely day. Tomorrow I’m venturing outside for some grooming and then I’ve got to go to the drug store and run some errands, then I’ll walk my Bubble and read some more. Today I’ve read my book in bed, caught up o some phone calls, made some outstanding doctor appointments and paid a bill, read my book some more, ate bread and nutella and then bread and olive oil and decided that I don’t really like sourdough bread or any dry, dry sour bread with anything other than grilled cheese and even that is up for consideration. My shopping order arrived and unfortunately my Bally wedge shoes are too wide in the ankle so I’l have to be returning them and my Marc by Marc yellow flower dress might be one size too large. Tonight PB is coming for a sleepover, I kid of want to make fried ravioli for dinner but because of my sour yeasty bread experience earlier today I think I’ll just stick with some juice and maybe a glass of wine.
As for now, I’ll post this entry and then continue to read my book.

In order to be happy and to be truly satisfied - at least at this point in my life - I must face my mother and all the resentment and anger she feels toward me and all the disappointment and sadness I feel toward her. I do hope that I work out soon how to talk to her and that she relents her twisted form of slavery and lets me return to school, because if I had the chance to go back and to go back with a clean slate starting from the very beginning even taking all the nasty stupid basic classes I would feel so fulfilled and full of hope that my life was moving in a positive direction.
How did I get here? It didn’t happen when I quite the firm, it happened when I accepted the stupid job that she had set p through me, or maybe it started before that when I learned to lie from her. She does it so easily to my father, her husband, my brother, her son, my old boss, her employee everyone around her on my behalf most of the time I just realized. Why did she never push me?
Maybe this started when I dropped out of college. Who the fuck knows, it was in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now, only realize that to numb the pain is to cover up the problem and to make it worse and harder for me to be able to come out on top at all.

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