More crackers
09-11-10 | 13:20

Oh boy. Gramercy tavern dinner was pretty ok. OK mainly because I love that restaurant and because PB was with me. My mother was annoying and I felt bad for my father when the check arrived. My mother paid, as usual. And I know that my father feels emasculated by her paying. Not because she decided to pick up the tab, but because she supports him entirely. He makes no money with his business. It is something to keep him busy and that is all. Deep down he must know that, he must know that she makes all the money and that she fully supports him, and that must bother him.

I've been feeling pretty shitty this week, which is why I haven't written. I have to have a discussion with my mother about me asking her for money and I am not looking forward to it, as a matter of fact I've been putting it off all week. As a result of my dread I have not een writing, I've missed one of my classes, I started watching the same stupid television shows again, and I am eating emotionally with a box of crackers beside me even as I type this. Rewatching The Sex and the City movie not because I like it but because it is pretty and familiar. What I ought to be doing is doing school reading. I've four long chapters to read for my Research Methods class. If not reading for school then I ought to be organizing my closet and cleaning out the storage. I know it doesn't help to feel bad about not doing tasks one thinks one should, but I do feel bad. And I know all of this, this fear to move forward is because of the immense dread I have of talking with my mother. I truly dislike her right now. Both my parents make me sad, and I have so much anger for my mother I am thisclose to seething every time I see her. More crackers - think the two are connected?

I also missed therapy this week. I missed it for the dumbest reason, I saw that I had no money in my bank account, so I wouldn't be able to go get my hair done, so I won't make it to therapy.

I just want to hide for one more day. I want to have no fear, I want to be bold and courageous. After all, I am doing so well with abstaining from shopping. I haven't purchased a single thing. But there I go again, regressing, expecting to be rewarded for something I know is right. More crackers.

Even writing just this little bit helps. I am starting to feel a little bit better now.

Another thing that contributed to my shitty week happened just yesterday. Ideally, every month a few acquaintances and I get together and host a dinner at our apartment. Due to scheduling the August dinner got pushed back until early September, then that got puches back to the 12th, and then YESTERDAY (!) the hostess sends an email canceling the dinner because she doesn't have a dining table. Did she just figure out two days before the dinner that she didn't have a dining table? Then i sent a response suggesting we all go out to dinner instead. The hostess replies with a lame excuse about having to paint dining chairs so she cannot go out anyway. NO ONE ELSE RESPONDS. I know how difficult it is to make plans with others, especially four other girls, but there is a type of etiquette that was breached with this shitty, lame, last minute excuse cancellation. It hurts my feelings actually, because I was looking forward to this dinner. More crackers. I have such a challenging time maintaining relationships with others that this monthly dinner was so important to me, and to just cancel it without any other plans is something I find terribly disappointing. But I am also aware that these dinners are not the top thoughts of the other girls. And that they have, well, much fuller lives than me. Sheesh, now I feel like crying. More crackers.

Well, tonight PB and I are going out - to celebrate a friend's birthday, that should be fun. And I am getting my hair done, so that is also something I am looking forward to.

It works if you work it - but sometimes it is so difficult to work it, and when there is something you desperately dread looming in the near future it is all to easy and appealing to hide.

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09-05-10 | 11:03

So I have this sore foot. The heel of my right foot feels like I pulled a muscle, or I bruised it or something. This pain has been off and on for a few months now and it only occurs when I am standing barefoot in the kitchen for long lengths of time, so that is why I think it is a pulled muscle. Only now, the pain hasn't gone away. I stayed off my feet almost all day yesterday and still my foot hurts. Curious. This morning I forced myself to jump. I really wanted to rebound yesterday but PB advised me to stay off my feet. So this morning, against my better judgement, I jumped, and yes my foor hurt but I enjoyed jumping and I felt good. I almost signed out of my dance class this afternoon, as a matter of fact I called to sign out, and then changed my mind and called again to confirm that I will in fact attend. I cancelled yoga for tomorrow, and then un-cancelled it. I kept thinking... what can I learn from my foot bothering me so much? Is it that I need to take things slow, to relax? And then I thought, "no that cannot be, I have about as much free time as a housecat". So it cannot be that, and then I realized that my foot hurting is in effect a way to get my wish that I always dream up when I feel fearful of the future or overwhelmed - I wish to do nothing, to have days upon days of no responsibility and to just stay home and do nothing. My foot hurting gave me a dose of what i thought I wanted. I was forced to stay inside yesterday even though I wanted to be out with PB and meet K for coffee and go out to a casual dinner and enjoy life. I got a glimpse of what my life would be like if I really didn't have anything to do. So I will attend my dance class, it is really important to me, and I will take it easy on my foot and inform the instructor of my injury, but I will be out experiencing and enjoying.

I want to meet K for coffee, I want to walk around with PB, I want to go get cupcakes, I want to go to dance class, I want to do research for my professor, I want to go to classes and participate, even though I may embarrass myself. I want to embarrass myself, because as long as I am doing something I enjoy, and something that i believe in I am not scared.

I ought to have my period any minute. I'm not worried because I strictly take my birth control pills but I'm not even feeling cramps or anything. It is a little odd.

Dinner tonight at Gramercy Tavern with PB and my folks. Thank the gods PB is coming to help me, but I know we will have a good time. I'm very much looking forward to it. And to the delicious wine, and marvelous food and well, it is absolutely my favorite restaurant in all of the world.

So now I am sitting, icing my foot. Not enjoying it all that much, but I know it will make a difference.


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Not According to Plan
09-02-10 | 10:50

So my week did not go as planned. On PB and I were having a wonderful Tuesday evening. I made my butternut squash, orecchiette, and spinach dish and we watched Bullshit and coverage of the tea party gathering by The New Left Media. Then we noticed that something is wrong with Bubble's eye, and since our vet (who makes house-calls and is available to come within the hour) works from the Hamptons until after labor day we were stuck with having to go to the emergency vet. It it a great facility and our vet calls ahead and tells the office to expect us but it is not the same. So we were at the vet on 55th between 9th and 10th from one o'clock until three o'clock. Bubble has a minor eye infection and we has drops for her eye to make it all better, but getting no sleep and the stress of the situation absolutely destroyed me. Yesterday I woke up at noon and watched shows all day. I cancelled yoga and didn't rebound. I was unable to process anything. The lovely part of the day however was when I played Frank Sinatra at maximum volume and took a relaxing luxurious bubble bath. I love taking bubble baths when the sun is still up. Then I put on a a Chantecaille detox clay mask. It has rosemary and jasmine and honey in it and it was absolutely lovely. I love their products. So that sustained me until bedtime and of course I was overtired and I couldn't sleep right away, and what sleep I did have was disrupted by being uncomfortable throughout the night and by some very bizarre dreams.

Whew, even writing this now I am a bit knackered, I just felt the energy drain out of me. Jeez. Today I wanted to slob it again, but I knew the maids were coming, so I postponed their arrival, rebounded and walked Bubble. I have an Angel Feet foot massage with my mother this afternoon. I have no desire to see my mother, but the only way I could get a massage without it costing me would be to invite her. Such is my new budget.

I was so mad when we were at the vet and I realized I had to call my mother so she could transfer the funds to my account so I could pay. I enjoyed waking her up and bothering her. Serves her right to restrict me and now allow me funds for an emergency. But then yesterday I realized that this way of looking at the situation wasn't very mature. And I realized that if I am to be as responsible as I wish to be I ought to always have money put aside for emergencies like this. Pat myself on the back for that one. But I do still carry a lot of anger and resentment toward my mother and I know that I must work it out.

So my list of anxieties: paying for my fall/winter clothes to be taken out of storage, asking my mother to settle my yoga bill, renewing my membership to my lifestyle group.

I wanted to put it out in writing, into the void, so I can be free from dwelling about it, even if for a little while.

Going back to drinking my juices, eating my leftover dinner, and watching the housewives of NJ.

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My Intentions For Autumn
08-31-10 | 17:22

I have a bit of a head cold. Very mild fever, lethargy, snotty head.. Ick.

When PB gets home from work he is going to delve into his computer and work on some personal projects, so no dinner together. Which is fine because we have dinner together every single night. So I want to make something for dinner that is semi-portable. Food that can be eaten on a desk whilst working, and then I thought of an old dish that I used to make with orecchiette, butternut squash, spinach in a white wine sauce. It came from this recipe book that my best girlfriend gave me for my birthday. She and I cooked this dish quite a few times together back when I lived on Gay Street. Remember Gay Street? Home of the twice daily updates, home of the dope addiction, and home of the solitude? Well this dish is one of the positive things I took from Gay Street, and it always makes me think of fond memories when I make it. So it will be with ease and fondness that I will be over the stove tonight listening to The Smiths saying goodbye to August and to this summer. I know Autumn doesn't officially start until the twenty-first but during this in-between time of Summer and Fall I wish to say goodbye to summer and think about the coming season.

What do I want out of the rest of the year? What do I want out of Autumn, what do I want out of the reminder of 2010? I want to commit wholeheartedly to my schoolwork, I want to be mindful of my emotions, I want to be able to study with ease, I want to get A's in both my classes, I want to visit Bear Mountain with PB for a day to see the fall foliage, I want to attend the Harvest in the square, I want to go apple picking, I want to be taken out for my birthday, I want all my friends to make a big fuss over my birthday, and I want my friends and PB to do something unexpected that will make me happy for my birthday, I want to read FACS and be of assistance to my developmental psychology professor (she is my mentor, an example of who I want to become, and the best way to achieve that is to spend time with her, and assist her), I want to take Bubble out for her walks which make her so happy every single day, I want to continue with my therapy, I want to continue to know that I am worthy of having money, I want to save money every month, I want to make plans for my family, and my brother and his family, and PB's family to all get together at one point during the holidays, I want to appreciate what I have, and to be aware of all the loveliness in my life, oh and I want to crunch into at least twenty McIntosh apples between September and November.

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05-05-12 - Smooches!
11-09-11 - On a lighter note...
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09-29-11 - Candy Apples
01-09-11 - Echo fell in love with Narcissus